TAKING A LIBERTY BY SMOKING

November 30, 2011 -

John Heald

I spent a wonderful 25 minutes last night in perfect solitude. Kye was in bed, Heidi was watching TV and so accompanied by my Andy Macnab book, I retired to the toilet. It was nearly 30 minutes of total relaxation as I read about Secret Agent Nick Stone and his adventures delivering some shock and awe by shooting Somali pirates in the face before having rumpy pumpy with 27 Latvians…………….James Bond, my arse.

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MASHED MONDAY

November 28, 2011 -

John Heald

As some of you may know I have been nominated for a mash potato award in the category of “Business Person You Should Follow Thingy.” It seems that I am up against the godmother of the Carnival Freedom Kathy Ireland who has millions of followers who like her range of beautiful clothing and home goods plus she has I am sure some men who follow her because she is jaw droppingly beautiful. I have met her and introduced her on stage and she is a wonderful lady and a deserved winner of the award.

Let’s see who else has been nominated by cutting and pasting what the people at Mash Potato have written.

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Microsoft My Arse

November 21, 2011 -

John Heald

Hello everyone! Back in Miami where the weather is warm and the welcome sign is in Spanish.

It seems that Carnival and I have both been nominated for an award and Gerry and Micky have promised to buy me an Aston Martin if I win………ok, that’s bollocks but it would be nice to beat Bill Gates. Anyway, here is how to do it as told by a man who understands these kind of things because he has a a beard and goes to Star Trek conventions……..Eric, how do they vote?

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Looking back

November 17, 2011 -

John Heald

Watching James Charlton do a brilliant job here as cruise director on the Carnival Magic reminds me of when I was his age and delivering the Carnival Destiny. James, like so many of the new breed of cruise directors, has the energy of the Energizer Bunny on speed. But as I walk around the ship and watch him work, I am also reminded of how things have changed.
Gone are the days when I could make an amusing farting noise over the PA system or in the middle of boat drill remind the guests that they should not allow the stringed bollocks on their life jacket drag on the deck. Yes, I am ashamed I used to do this and much worse, slipping in British words like bollocks, bugger, sod and git into my daily announcements.

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GOING TO THE DOGS

November 16, 2011 -

John Heald

So in a week’s time I will be home in the bosom of my family and it appears that one of the first things I will be doing will be spending my very hard earned money on a dog. Yep, for those who have been long time blog readers, you will know I have tried over the last few years to put it off but Heidi is like the Borg……..resistance is therefore futile.

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VIDEO: Good Morning from Galveston

November 13, 2011 -

John Heald

SOME OF A BEACH

November 8, 2011 -

John Heald

As you know Heidi and Kye were supposed to be with me this week, a week I fully had intended to spend with them and to enjoy some wonderful family time. I had booked a nice family hotel called The Loew’s and it was going to be just wonderful. Then Heidi had to go to Holland leaving me to argue with British Airways about refunds. And all of this resulted in my now well documented Grumpypants week.

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AWASH WITH MAGIC

November 7, 2011 -

John Heald

When I was talking to James Charlton about being the cruise director on the Carnival Magic’s trans-Atlantic crossing I went through with him all the different things that I had learned during the three crossings I have done as CD. Things like you can never have too much trivia be as visible as you can and be ready to meet the one or two very cranky people who should in all retrospect be wearing T-shirts that shout loudly “Born To Moan.” That’s because while 95% of the guests will have the most wonderful time, ask any crew member who has done a crossing and they will tell you that they do tend to bring out one or two grumpy buggers. But so far, James has reported as has Calvyn that things are going well. Yes there have been the usual comments as Calvyn will report shortly plus the usual one about the lack of TV in the middle of the Atlantic. But overall it sounds like the majority of the guests are all having a great time.

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A LITTLE TEASER ABOUT YOUR LOYALTY

November 3, 2011 -

John Heald

I am feeling very, very grumpy today. It all started with a movie I ordered on the TV in my hotel room last night. No, it didn’t involve Latvian women doing naughty things with a man called Foot Long Tom…….I have seen that one already…….twice. What got me hopping mad was that I ordered a movie called Margin Call about the debt crisis. I was hoping that this movie was going to give me an insight into how AIG spent all my savings at lap dancing clubs and that the movie would show the bastards all losing their jobs and living in a box under a bridge. So I settled down to watch some fine acting from Kevin Spacey and Jeremy Irons when twenty minutes into the movie it froze. Bugger!

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I hope you all had a fun Halloween. I spent it in my hotel room with the door locked and bolted in case a child staying in the hotel decided to knock on the door and say “Hola, tricko oro treato.” The ships on the other hand celebrated in full Halloween style all except the Carnival Miracle which has a nude charter and where every night could be a potential horror night.

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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.