November 7, 2011 -

John Heald

When I was talking to James Charlton about being the cruise director on the Carnival Magic’s trans-Atlantic crossing I went through with him all the different things that I had learned during the three crossings I have done as CD. Things like you can never have too much trivia be as visible as you can and be ready to meet the one or two very cranky people who should in all retrospect be wearing T-shirts that shout loudly “Born To Moan.” That’s because while 95% of the guests will have the most wonderful time, ask any crew member who has done a crossing and they will tell you that they do tend to bring out one or two grumpy buggers. But so far, James has reported as has Calvyn that things are going well. Yes there have been the usual comments as Calvyn will report shortly plus the usual one about the lack of TV in the middle of the Atlantic. But overall it sounds like the majority of the guests are all having a great time.

Now there was one other thing that I spoke to James about and that was the washing of hands. I told him this because of course myself and 700 guests went through that awful outbreak of norothingy during the Carnival Liberty’s crossing from Italy to Fort Lauderdale. The entire deck 0, the deck where you disembark in port, had many sick guests and crew. It didn’t smell very nice as you can imagine so it should be no surprise that after a while deck 0 was simply known ………as Paris.

The germs were probably brought from ashore and even though I joke about it, that was a very nasty situation and I never want to go through that again which is why we have fleetwide reminders about washing hands with warm water and soap and to use the hand sanitizers as much as possible. And if you look back over the last few years our efforts appear to have been working and James is encouraging these healthy habits on Carnival Magic.

But while the washing of hands thing is being listened to on board I can say that unfortunately it isn’t on land. Recently I encountered someone in a public toilet………no not a George Michael kind of encounter…….it was an encounter with someone at Carnival’s offices in Miami. He did his business, zipped up and walked out of the bathroom without even looking at the sink let alone washing his hands. As he left I remember thinking, “You dirty bastard,” I washed my hands and left to find the chap outside the toilets in the corridor scrubbing his hands like a surgeon using his own hand sanitizer gel. I obviously didn’t say anything but as I walked past him I realised that he must have been worried about washing his hands and then touching the exit door which is why he washed them afterwards. Now being a bit thick I thought to myself that this made sense and was OK. But it took a few moments before I realised that hold on, it wasn’t OK because I had washed my hands and then opened the door, the door he had pulled open without washing his hands. And while he had scrubbed his hands clean I was about to eat my lunchtime chicken salad sandwich with his germs all over my hands. If you think about it, its men like this chap who while protecting himself from your germs doesn’t give a bugger about spreading his own germs onto you.

I remember talking to our fleet senior physician, Dr. John Bradberry, during a discussion about norovirus. He said that the simple washing of hands with warm water and soap can stop the spread of gastro illness but I wonder how many people actually do after having a number one or a number two. Yes of course, I know you do and so do I.  But it’s the other bastards who are the problem. Can you imagine, Bob from accounting goes to the toilet, points Percy at the porcelain and then leaves without washing his hands? He then walks straight to a meeting and shakes hands with some people or worse goes to the office coffee pot and pours a cup of coffee.

On the ships there is a small paper towel dispenser so that you can open the door with a towel and then throw the towel away in the garbage can placed outside. I can tell you that very few guests do this. Yes they wash their hands but don’t know to use the paper towels to open the door with. If bathrooms on land or at sea don’t have these, I open the doors with my sleeve or call Calvyn to come in and open the doors for me. I know a cruise director who never flushes a public toilet because he’s paranoid about touching the handle. The fact that some other unfortunate sod walks in and sees a huge Richard the Third (rhyming slang) sitting there does not bother him at all.

More and more I see people using their own hand sanitizer and wipes. A new one for me was when I was in Publix last week with my assistant Mel and as we walked in she instinctively took a wet wipe out of her purse and wiped down the handle of the trolley. Apparently that’s normal in California where she is from and it makes sense. Who wants to push a shopping trolley around that was last pushed around by someone who had just sneezed into their hand. Yes a bit of dirt on the handle of a shopping trolley won’t hurt, but imagine if that bit of dirt has come from someone who has not washed their hands before heading to Publix and pushing the same trolley around that you will a few hours later.

But there is one more situation that I worry about and one I was never really aware of until Kye came into my life. I have seen kids play on the ships and we can wash our hands all we like but it will be the children that will be our undoing. They’re constantly putting their hands in their mouths, sucking on toys that another child has sucked minutes before. We have regimented and strict cleaning procedures at Camp Carnival but kids are kids and the will still scratch their bottoms and pick their noses before holding hands with other kids as they walk to Lido for some chicken nuggets. So basically unless we stop breeding and unless we employ toilet marshals who have the right to shoot anyone who doesn’t wash their hands………we’re doomed.
Time for today’s Q and A……… we go.

Sara Pardew asked:
Hi, John.

Please can you tell me what the entertainment will be on the cruise on the Magic on the 14th of November. Me and my husband are both ER nurses for Fort Worth and have saved hard to pay for this cruise of a lifetime. We cruised once before and the shows were fantastic and I am sure they will be even better on Carnivals new boat. Thanks John and we can’t wait to meet you in person. You are a riot!

John says:
Hello Sara Pardew.

It’s only a few days now until you cruise and I know that you work so hard and both deserve this brilliant vacation. Here is a list of the shows you will see which I absolutely know you will love.

  • Mon, Nov, 14 Galveston Welcome Aboard Show dep @ 4pm
  • Tue, Nov, 15 at sea Grooveline Mutzie/John Wesley Austin
  • Wed, Nov, 16 at sea Marcus Monroe
  • Thu, Nov, 17 Costa Maya Destination Unknown/ Jason Byrne 8am-5pm
  • Fri, Nov, 18 Cozumel WIN plus Marcus Anthony Mutzie/JohnWesley Austin 8am-5pm
  • Sat, Nov, 19 at sea Carnival Legends

So Marcus Monroe is a brilliant juggler and acrobatic comedian. Marcus Anthony has the most brilliant Motown shows. You have two comedians performing a total of 16 comedy shows including uncensored comedy performances. Then you have three shows featuring the cast of dancers and singers. Win, an interactive game show, Destination Unknown featuring top magician and illusionist Jason Byrne and of course Grooveline, a trip back to the music of the 1970s. So get ready for a wonderful week of entertainment and I look forward to seeing you both on board.

Best wishes.


David Henrick asked:

I suggest John that you start to prioritize the questions you answer. I submitted my request for a table for two 21 days before the actual cruise but it was ignored by you and went unanswered and my wife and me were forced to sit with people we had nothing in common with for the entire five days. If you offer customer service then you need to make sure that you live up to those promises which as far as our sailing was concerned you DID NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

John says:
Hello David Henrick

I know that there are some whose questions come to me after their cruise is over as it was with yours for which I sincerely apologise. Please though let me explain how it works. The beards in the Miami office send me 10 questions each day. These questions are pulled from the Ask John section of my blog and are sent to me in the order they were posted there. Now because I am so far behind there are some that I receive where people have asked me for things and whose cruise is already over. I do the best I can and at the moment I have over 500 questions in my in box. I wish I had the time or that the people in the office who help me with the blog had the time to go through each one and see the date of the cruise, but we don’t. I do suggest to everyone that they post their question here two months before sailing or if they want a quicker response to ask me on my Facebook page where I answer 200 -300 questions a week. I do hope that you had a great cruise and my apologies again that I was unable to assist you with your table request.

Best wishes.


Rebecca Howell asked:

Will you be the cruise director on the Jan 19 cruise from Galveston on the Magic? We enjoyed you so much in May (Med cruise) and hopefully, you will be on the Galveston cruise as well. Have a great day!

John says:
Hello Rebecca Howell

I am so sorry but I won’t be there Rebecca. I don’t get to the ship until January 29 but please don’t let that worry you. Carnival Magic is a wonderful vessel and as you have already experienced in Europe and she will be ready again to give you a brilliant time. Please let me know if you need anything.

Best wishes.


Michelle Hazelwood asked:
Dear John, (or whoever is in your stead while you enjoy family time).

I thoroughly enjoy your blog and delight in reading them. I wanted to thank you for what you’ve written re: 9-11 tributes and silent moments. Your style and wit, compassion and honesty are so personable I believe I have made a mistake in over posting responses, perhaps as a way to pass the time easier until my 10-17 cruises on the Carnival Destiny. I noticed my response to your 9-12 blog, and I believe a reply in the one directly before it was moderated out. I used no profanity, I was not threatening, I did think about flirting with you but appreciate Heidi’s huge contribution to your contentment! I may have been a wee bit inflammatory, however no more so than hundreds of others who comment. I’m at a loss as to what to correct in how I write postings so now am afraid to do so for fear of offending you. I do apologize profusely for whatever it may have been that prevented anything I have written to be omitted. It is never my intent to disrespect you, blog response policies, or Carnival’s. I admire you too much.


Michelle Hazelwood

John says:
Hello Michele Hazelwood

Oh my goodness, please don’t be upset at yourself. I read all the comments posted on my blog thingy and I certainly saw nothing that was written by you or anyone that would have upset me in anyway. Opinions are most welcome here and even though we may all never agree it is opinion that makes the world an interesting place to live and makes this blog so popular with the thousands of weekly readers. I remain here for you and thank you for this wonderful post which I truly appreciated.

Best wishes.


Lassiter asked:

Heald you said today that you won’t discuss how much your salary is but it’s not difficult to find out thanks to the good old internet. The salary for a cruise director ranges from $3,800 – $7,000 per month depending on the cruise line “So I am sure with your over inflated visibility and brand ambassador duties that Carnival must be paying you the top end of that scale or more. So don’t patronize us and when you asked a question and say you won’t reply remember that the internet allows us to know more about you than you can imagine. I am now ready for your servants to flame me but I don’t care. I stand by my opinion as do others.

John says:
Hello Lassiter

I always look forward to your comments in the same way I look forward to finding a small black curly hair in my Caesar’s salad. I won’t discuss my pay and if at any time you have a question about ….oh I don’t know…….cruising……….or if you genuinely need my help I will be here for you.

Best wishes.


Jacqueline Gonzalez asked:

I just got off the Carnival Liberty this Saturday and let me tell you I am completely disappointed. This was my fifth cruise with Carnival and I have never had such a bad experience. Can you please provide me with an e-mail address of someone with high rankings that will actually read my book long e-mail that I submitted earlier today to my travel agent and her Carnival sales rep.? Like I said this was my fifth cruise and not once before have I had any complaints but this time my list just goes on and on. I really enjoy your blog and you FB page. Enjoy your time off and enjoy your girls. Thank you for all the info that you provide us all.

John says:
Hello Jacqueline Gonzalez.

I am so sorry that you were not happy with your cruise and please forgive the lateness of my reply as I see this was posted on September 24. I will send this immediately to someone who will be in touch very soon. My apologies once again.

Best wishes.


Nancy Nadal asked:

My cruise on the Sensation last week was somewhat spoiled because so many passengers were allowed in the dining room in non formal wear. My DH and I were at a table for two and the family at the table next to us was a family and not one of the men had a tie on and the women were dressed as though they were having dinner at Denny’s. Why does Carnival not enforce these rules and make passengers dress formally. IMHO you will lose so many passengers to Royal Caribbean if this continues.

John says:
Hello Nancy Nadal

First of all, please excuse me deleting the rest of your post Nancy as it contained a link to a site that I am not promoting anymore for reasons that have been well explained here. Also well known are my feelings on dress code and how I have a complete lack of understanding as to what that family were wearing would affect the enjoyment of your meal and the quality time with your husband. We don’t require any guest to have to wear a tie and respectfully Nancy if we did, I have a feeling we would lose a lot of guests to other lines. I hope you had a wonderful cruise though and thanks for taking the time to post your thoughts.

Best wishes to you both.


Ian Dey asked:

Reading through your blog I see more and more people saying how great their cabin steward was and so I felt bad that I had not mentioned the amazing Mr. Danilo. Our cruise on the Triumph was full of bad weather and a missed port but the crew was fantastic and nobody more so than Mr Danilo whose smile and gracious hospitality were something that my family and I will never forget. I wonder if you would let the “beards” know please Mr. Heald. Thank you.

John says:
Hello Ian Dey

Thank you so very much for a wonderfully written post that in just a few sentences sums up all we hope our crew will be. I will make sure that the management team on board and ashore will see these words of praise and I hope that despite the bad weather that you all had a brilliant time. Mr. Danilo will be thrilled when he reads this.

Best wishes.


Scooter Cruiser asked:

Me and seven others successfully smuggled our rum runners onto the Destiny today. Take that fat boy. Ha Ha Ha.

John says:
Hello Scooter Cruiser

Many congratulations. My concern though is are you old enough to drink alcohol as your post comes across like it was written by someone who is 12?

Best wishes.


Jim Lazell asked:

Fantastic time was had by all on the Carnival Freedom and a big thanks to you for the table arrangement. My Father’s 80th birthday was something he will never forget and thank you for the gifts you sent him. Everything on the ship was perfect and Perlita who looked after our cabin and Savio and Hilaria our dining room servers were the best we have had in our eight cruises. A special shout out must go to Piet the bartender at the wine bar who invited us to visit him should we ever go to South Africa. He is very funny and we all thought he should be a cruise director John. It was a great time and thank you Carnival and thank you John for making this cruise so special for me and the family and especially my Father.

John says:
Hello Jim Lazell

Thanks so very much for those wonderful words of praise and I am so glad that you all had this great time together to celebrate your Father’s birthday. I will make sure that everyone sees their names have been mentioned and that the senior management knows what an impact these people had on your cruise. Thanks for taking the time to write and I hope we see you all again on another cruise soon.

Best wishes to all.


That’s all for today and thanks so very much for all the comments and questions.

Let’s go back to the Carnival Magic and her journey to Texas. On Wednesday she will be in Freeport and I am still trying to see if the beards will allow me to go and visit the ship. It’s something I really want to do as I know I let some guests down by not being there so even a quick visit will allow me to shake some hands and also maybe some time on stage to say hello.
Let’s see what happens.

James the CD is doing a brilliant job and I have had some wonderful comments from people sailing on the trans-Atlantic that they posted on Facebook. I am communicating with James a lot and trying to help as much as I can.

Over the weekend he got a little frustrated I think because he had started to receive a few grumbles from guests including two men that were quite vicious because the ship didn’t show a college football game. James’s calm explanation that the ship was in the middle of the Atlantic and that there was no satellite coverage of anything at all was met with some hateful words and even one of the men breaking down in tears. I have said it before and I will say it again, I just don’t understand why it is expected that on a cruise, in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean that the ship will show some random college football game and that when we say we won’t be showing it the guests throw abuse at the CD. I find this extraordinary.

Anyway, one of James’ other concerns was that the indoor areas on the ship were very busy indeed with not too many guests outside as the weather wasn’t yet conducive to sun worshiping and so I suggested some matinee movies on the Seaside Theatre Big Screen. And here as seen through the camera lens of Mr Radu is the result.

Can you tell what the movie was?

Talking of Mr Radu, here he is, in his own words.

Dear John,

I just finished my last seminar, this time it was held it in the Spotlight Lounge, and the lounge was full as well. I didn’t expect it will have so much interest. Today I gave our guests tips for taking good photos, information about filters, “the rule of the thirds,” and the most important thing in composition, complete with sample photos from this cruise. Now they will enter their photos in the photo contest, and I told them that the winners will be posted in your Facebook. Here is one of the images taken this morning, middle of the Atlantic, showing the effect of polarizer filter.

Have a great day

Radu Ursu
Senior Photographer

I will show you who won the photo contest by posting the winning entries right here on the blog thingy and my thanks to Radu for doing this, I am sure the guests learned a lot from this brilliant master of the camera.

And now here is someone who makes Richard Simmons look like Arnold Schwarzenegger …………’s Calvyn.

Hello John:

Well here we are half way through the daunting six day sea days and I have to say that it is going great. The Fun Times are chalk full of fun stuff. From water fit classes to Melissa’s and mine spelling bee. Not to mention activities from the spa and art department. Most of the guests are happy and are friendly: The Steins from Nebraska, Angie and Richard, Mary and Jed, Perry and Gretchen, Nicole and Patrick and Steve O, just to name a few.

However that being said there are a few who are a little grumpy. Now it is a different story if someone has a legitimate concern such as “Why isn’t there any two step dancing on the ship?” alright that is a legitimate idea/concern and in turn, James put three sessions in the atrium lobby and it was a huge success, but for someone to make a formal complaint that they signed up first in karaoke; however they were put on second instead of first is outrageous. Alright that was my fault, however I am not going to open up a karaoke session with Debbie Boone’s “You Light Up My Life” I mean really, pass the Prozac.

John, don’t let this rant allow you to think this cruise in any way is going badly, in fact it is going swimmingly, and the teams are all in high spirits and are having a lot of fun with the guests…

The rain is coming down hard over the Indian Ocean and all the lounges are being utilized and the shops are buzzing with activity. Make up seminars are going on and the ringing in the casino makes me wonder how much money they are giving away!

Now I leave you with the most pressing question: Are you coming to Freeport!?

Till I see you next John. Know that I am sleeping with your Blue Tweed Blazer on as it still has your scent.

Scent my arse……….let’s see the activities that the guests enjoyed:


7:00am Sunrise Stretch…………………………Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
7:30am Fab Abs…………………………………Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
8:30am James’ Walking Club………………….SportSquare, 12 Mid
8:45am Daily Puzzles………………………………….Plaza Café, 5 Mid
9:00am Ultimate Mind Game Trivia…….Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

  • Putt-Putt Challenge…………………..Turf on Surf, 12 Mid
  • Bridge for Beginners Series….Northern Lights, 3 Fwd
  • Yoga…………………………………Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
  • Library Time……………………..Books & Games, 4 Fwd

9:30am General Knowledge Trivia….Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft
10:00am Super Trivia (Round 4)……..Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

  • Bean Bag Challenge………………Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
  • AquaFun………………………………….Beach Pool, 10 Mid
  • Intermediate Bridge Lessons….Northern Lights, 3 Fwd
  • Arts & Crafts…………………….Conference Center, 4 Mid
  • Indoor Cycling………………………..Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
  • Puffy Eyes Seminar…………………..Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

11:00am Future Cruise & Travel Talk………Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

  • Connect 4 Challenge………………..Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
  • Dance Class………………….Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft
  • Dodgeball . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .SkyCourt, 12 Aft
  • Introduction to Acupuncture…….Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd
  • Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet……..Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid

11:30am Cooking Demonstration………Prime Steakhouse, 5 Aft
11:45am Cellulite Solutions……………………Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd

12:00pm Scrapbookers Meet………………..Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
12:30pm Under $500 Art Auction & Preview..Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

  • Slot Tournament………………………Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
  • Cribbage Players Meet (Unsupervised)…Conference, 4 Mid

1:00pm Outdoor Photography Seminar……..Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

  • Bridge Play (Duplicate & Social)….Northern Lights, 3 Fwd

1:15pm Beary Cuddly………………Camp Carnival, 11 Mid
2:00pm A Magical World Cruise………………..Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

  • Basketball Tournament………………..SkyCourt, 12 Mid
  • Arts & Crafts…………………….Conference Center, 4 Mid
  • Library Time……………………..Books & Games, 4 Fwd
  • Friends of Bill W. & Jimmy K………..Escape Bar, 4 Fwd

2:15pm Murder Mystery………………….Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
3:00pm 7 Game Bingo……………….Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

  • Bean Bag Challenge………………Magic Lobby, 3 Fwd
  • Tea Time……………………………………Southern Lights, 4 Aft

3:15pm Slot Tournament Finals………Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
3:30pm Movie Matinee: Casablanca….Seaside Theatre, 10 Mid
3:45pm Dancing with the Cast……………Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
4:00pm Afternoon Karaoke……………………Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid

  • Meditation…………………………Cloud 9 Spa, 12 Fwd

5:00pm Afternoon Live TV Trivia………………………Channel 16

  • Guess That Song: Musicals…………Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
  • Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet……..Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid

5:30pm Carnivalaire……………………………Ocean Plaza, 5 Mid
7:00pm Guess the Price of the Painting……….Promenade, 5 Mid

  • Library Time……………………..Books & Games, 4 Fwd

7:15pm An Evening with Peter Max…Gallery on the Way, 4 Mid
7:30pm Superstar Live…………………..Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

  • Austin Powers Dance Class……Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd
  • History of Pop Art Seminar…Gallery on the Way, 4 Mid

7:45pm Decades Trivia: 1960’s…………….Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
8:00pm Cash Craze Bingo………………..Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

  • Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet……..Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid

8:30pm Showtime (Early Seating)……………Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

  • Superstar Live…………………..Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

8:45pm Dance Hits & Mixes……………..Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
9:30pm Karaoke Party…………………..Spotlight Lounge, 5 Aft

  • An Evening with Peter Max…Gallery on the Way, 4 MId
  • Twilight Golf…………………….Turf on Surf, 12 Mid

10:00pm Cash Craze Bingo……………….Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

  • Texas Hold ‘Em Players Meet……..Hat Trick Casino, 5 Mid
  • Motown Hour……………………Vibe Nightclub, 5 Aft
  • Friends of Dorothy GLBT Meet………..Play It Again, 5 Aft

10:30pm Showtime (Late Seating)……………Showtime Theatre, 3 Fwd

  • Carnival Legends Auditions……Spotlight Lounge, 5 Mid

10:45pm Up-Close Magic…………………..Escape Bar, 4 Fwd

Last week I was a grumpy bastard. Harsh but true. I was grumpy to the beards, I was grumpy to my assistant Mel, I was grumpy to my mate Roger and I was grumpy to all of you both here and on Facebook. My grumpiness came because I was supposed to have my wife and daughter with me but her Mum’s slippery bathroom floor put pay to that and Heidi and Kye quite rightly are looking after her at her house in Clogland……….sorry……..Holland. It’s been seven weeks now since I last saw them and I miss them more than this “fat boy” can put into words. By the way, I forgot to ask earlier. Where does the term Rum Runner come from? Is it a pirate thing?

Anyway, back to the family. I call them every day and Heidi will let Kye speak on the phone to me. She is two and half years old now and can string three of four words together. Now I don’t enjoy the weekends much here at the Marriottintercontinentalhaytt. The week days are fine and busy but it’s pretty lonely at the weekends and this past weekend I was feeling pretty awful. Anyway, I spoke to Kye and she said “I love you, Dada.” Well actually she didn’t say that because she is two and a half years old so she said “I low you, Dada.” And then, when I put the phone down……….I cried. What the bloody hell is that all about. I am not a girl, I don’t like college football and I am not Calvyn…………so what’s wrong with me?

Women are OK with crying, it’s in their genes but us men……..well it’s just that we don’t particularly enjoy it. Every now and again, like once every 100 years, a good old cry clears the air, but it is something your average chap wants to do on a regular basis, because it’s bloody well exhausting. Women, on the other hand, can’t seem to get enough of it. Heidi insists on going to see these awful chick flick lovey dovey films where you spend the whole time feeling like your dog’s just died. I remember when Heidi rented the movie Ghost. By the time the credits were rolling, I was ready to kill someone. When I looked over at Heidi, she was crying like a baby and then she says, “Oooh, wasn’t that brilliant, John?” It’s at moments like that when I think that men and women might as well be from different planets. I would rather roast my own bollocks over an open fire than ever have to watch that movie ever again and any man who is found crying at the end of a those kind of movies has no more right to call himself “manly” than Calvyn’s underwear drawer. And now we have “Date Night “as one of the theme nights at the Seaside Theatre. Oh FFS!

I guess there are exceptions when it is OK for a man to cry. Catching your gentlemen’s sausage in the zipper of your pants……tears of pain can be cried here……….telling a joke as a young cruise director on the Carnivale and hearing nothing but silence….. tears of humiliation ………. and John Cleese doing the “German Walk “……..tears of laughter…………and tears of despair when you realise that Megan Fox’s bottom will never ever be yours.

And it’s OK to sit in a darkened hotel room and sob like an Oscar winner when your daughter says ” I lowe you Dada ”

You know there has been a lot of talk this week about the crew and gratuities and while I won’t have seen my family for two months but that’s nothing because most of the crew will not have seen their sons, daughters, wives and husbands or their parents and family for many more months than that. They are missing their families terribly and are using the salary Carnival pays them and the gratuities that that you graciously reward them with to provide those left at home with a better way of life. So thank you……..thank you on behalf of all the crew, who I promise will continue to provide you with the brilliantly fun service you expect and that they truly appreciate everything you do for them.


Your friend,


Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.