February 20, 2012 -

John Heald

Yep, it’s that time again when I am going to talk about me being fat. It’s not something I want to do but the fact that I am blubbery has been pushed in my face like a silent movie cream pie fight ………..that I have no choice.

First came a funny remark from a seven-year-old boy which I believe I mentioned to you on Facebook or the blog last week and I can still hear the little chap ask his Mum, “Why is he so fat?” and I can still remember how much inner strength it took not to tell him Santa wasn’t real and that Fun Ship Freddy was at that moment having rumpy pumpy with Minnie Mouse. Then there is this cruise where we have yet again, as sod’s law would predict, a few members of the “We Used To Be Fat But Then We Drank Loads of Tea That Made Us S**t Constantly And So We Lost Weight And We Can Help You Do The Same” organization ….. They have only been on two days and only seen me so far at the Welcome Aboard Show and the Morning Show but look at this message I received last night from the guest services desk.

Sent: Monday, February 20, 2012 7:32 AM

Hello everyone,

Mrs.______ from cabin 2*** would like to arrange a meeting with John. Guest would not tell me what the subject matter would be but just said that she was sure he would want to meet with her. Please can you arrange for John to meet with her?

Thank you and kind regards,

Guest Services Associate, Carnival Magic
Carnival Cruise Lines

Now I had every intention of calling the guest later today but such was her desperation to meet with me that she arrived back at the guest services desk at 8:20 am asking to speak to me. And so the desk called me and that was me, sitting in my underpants in my cabin listening to her offer to help me. I have had this happen before of course and am used to it and am always polite in thanking them for their consideration. This morning though I was bit put out when the lady said that I was “too fat.” And that got me thinking, not about the fact that this lady felt it was OK to tell me that but also, what was I “too fat” for?

As far as I know I haven’t applied to become part of the UK’s Olympic Synchronised Swimming Team. I haven’t challenged Usain Bolt to race down Promenade Deck. I haven’t decided to become a pole dancer and hope that as I swing naked around a pole seductively hoping that ladies will shove a few dollar bills in my G-string. I am a CD. I walk on stage, tell a few lame jokes. The end. I hope that people judge me by how good or bad I am as cruise director not what size trousers I wear.

One time I was pursued all cruise long by one lady who I must admit had lost loads of weight, 100 pounds or more if I remember correctly and she would not leave me alone. She spent the entire cruise telling me I was fat and would die and that I looked unhealthy and that only her teas could save me. Yet through all of this I remained professional and kind and just politely refused her offer and at no time did I tell her that her sudden and dramatic weight loss had left her looking like the Geico Lizard…. in drag. It’s going to be a long week.

Time for some Q and A……..off we go.

Peter Holt asked:

My wife Jo-Ann and I are Platinum members. We saved and went on the Thanksgiving cruise out of Tampa on the Carnival Legend. A family emergency came up and we had to debark the ship after one day. We debarked in Grand Cayman. Two days later my brother passed away.

Everyone on the ship was great and went out of their way to do whatever they could for us and to this I thank Carnival. This trip did cost us a lot of money and I know we won’t be able to recover it. My question is could you or Carnival do something to make this right for us. Thanks, only asking? Thanks John.


Peter and Jo-Ann Holt

John says:

Hello Peter Holt,

May I first say how very sorry I was at the loss of your brother and my sympathies to you and the family? I take it from your post that you did not have insurance for this cruise which is unfortunate. I will be writing to someone today asking them to take a look at your case and someone will be in touch soon. Thank you for your loyalty and I am so very sorry that your cruise was interrupted by the tragic passing of your brother. I do hope that we will see you and Jo-Ann soon.

Best wishes.


Lance Brezovan asked:

Do you or anyone at Carnival care about customer service anymore? I have written twice to carnival regarding my anytime dining complaint from the Christmas cruise on Dream and nobody has answered me. We had to wait anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes for a table and for the Christmas dinner my partner and me had to wait 40 minutes for a table for two. We complained onboard and received nothing apart from an apology from the woman at the front desk who couldn’t speak English but that was it. This was our first Carnival cruise and unless something is done to satisfy (we expect at least $200 credit) us it will be our last.

John says:
Hello Lance Brezovan,

I am glad you took the time to write to me because it gives me the chance to apologise that nobody has written to you and to also explain about why the delays happened. Your Time Dining is becoming more and more popular and at certain times it does get very busy. The most popular time is between 7 and 8pm and on the Christmas cruise where the Carnival Dream had 4,400 guests onboard I am sure that this was the case. The ship has spaces for 1,400 on YTD and if a big majority of those come at the same time then yes, there will I am afraid be a wait.

Now personally I think 15 minutes is a reasonable time to wait for a table but 40 minutes is too long so we will work harder there however, again, I must say that at Christmas families to tend to sit longer enjoying the meal and that special family time so this may have been part of the reason that you had a 40-minute wait before being seated. I have spoken to our guest services team and I’m told that we really can’t compensate for this but I do hope that reading this will help you understand what happened and along with my apologies the fact that hopefully you had a great time will have you thinking about returning to Carnival again. Thanks for your understanding.

Best wishes


Amanda Klint asked:
Hi John,

This question is actually regarding my parent’s cruise on Carnival Miracle on May 22nd. The cruise is a Christmas/60th birthday present from my mother to my father, and my mother has not had the best experience with sales so far. I feel somewhat responsible as I am booked on Carnival Miracle on April 28th, and after some convincing and gloating from me, she booked the trip for the 2 of them. After beginning to fill out the form online, not completing b/c she was not yet positive, she got a call from the sales department, who convinced her to book over the phone. She wanted to book a balcony room, as in their 5+ cruises the most they’ve had is an ocean view, and usually interior, (I have raved about the balcony experience). Anyway, the issues she’s had is that her sales rep didn’t allow her to pick her stateroom, and didn’t even give her the room number or booking number after she paid! It took her two emails and waiting the entire next day to get the room number, and then another day and two to three more emails for him to give her the booking number. I think that there are better rooms available in that category, but she’s become fed up with dealing with sales/customer service at this point. I really want to make sure they have the best trip possible (they really deserve it), and was hoping you might be able to have someone who is working to help her have the best experience, get in touch with her. Her name is Chris Klint, and I believe it is booked under John Klint, currently in room 6128. Hopefully since it’s so far in the future, you might be able to help out.

John says:
Hello Amanda Klint,

First of all let me apologise that it has taken me so long to answer you as I am way behind in my blog questions. We certainly want your mother to have the best possible cruise and so I have sent this to someone who I know will help you here and be in contact with you to make sure all is well. Please let me know if there is anything else you think I can do to make Mum’s cruise the best vacation she has ever had.

Best wishes to you both.


(John) Stephen Jacobs asked:

Hi John,

My partner and I are taking my brother, his wife, and their kids on Carnival Magic, March 11, for my brother’s 50th birthday. This is also a long-promise special trip for the two kids. Our dad was a captain in the Merchant Marine. When I was a kid I used to spend a lot of time on the bridge, even getting to man the wheel when the ship was going up the ship channel between Galveston and Houston. Unfortunately, my dad retired (and subsequently died too young) for my brother to get to have any memories of my dad’s ship. Does the behind the scenes tour goes up to the bridge? Is there anything else available that my brother and his kids could do to really experience what it’s like from the crew’s point of view. We’re in cabin 7459 and 7433. Thank you John.

John says:
Hello (John) Stephen Jacobs,

It will be a pleasure to welcome you and the family here on the wonderful Carnival Magic. The Behind the Fun excursion will indeed take you to the bridge where you will meet the captain and then it’s off to the engine control room to meet the chief engineer as well as a look behind the crew only doors that you will find fascinating. Now the tour does sell out so please buy it from the shore excursion desk on day one and then you are guaranteed that you and the family will get to participate in this great event. Please drop me a not at the guest services desk so I can send the family a little something as well. I am sure this will be a brilliant cruise and I will see you all soon.

Best wishes.


Julia Suarez asked:

My boyfriend and I are going on a cruise on the Carnival Sensation. We are both big people and don’t want seats with arms at dinner and was told to write to you to not have chairs with arms or a booths. I don’t know what details you need so here is my cabin number and it’s the same for Manni as well R114.

John says:
Hello Julia Suarez,

Thanks for letting me know and my thanks to my colleague in Miami for looking up your details because I see that you are sailing next week on the 23rd. Anyway, I have asked the maitre d to give you a table, not a booth and for chairs with no arms. I wish you both a wonderful cruise and Have fun.

Best wishes.


Lester H asked:

I really enjoy your blog and thank you for all the time you spend keeping everyone informed. I wanted to pass on my thanks also to the crew of the Carnival Victory who were the friendliest crew I have enjoyed in my five Carnival voyages to date. My cabin steward Joy was if you will excuse the pun a real joy and her smile and good wishes each morning were the perfect start to the day. Our waiter Zusanna and her two assistants were also so much fun and made each night’s dinner very special. Outside of the cruise being over too quickly I have no complaints and we are looking now to the Carnival Breeze in Europe possibly in September.



John says:

Hello Lester H,

Thanks so much for the kind words for what seems like a ship that doesn’t get as many mentions here as other ships. I have no idea why that is but it’s great to know that you had such a wonderful time and the crew you mentioned will be thrilled when they see this. I will be on the Carnival Breeze in September and it would be a “joy” to see you there as well. Thanks again and if there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.


Jack Simeonoglou asked:

First of all let me say again how nice it was to meet you on the Carnival Magic TA! During our upcoming cruise, the Carnival Pride out of Baltimore on February 26th, our granddaughter Ashlynn will be with us. Ashlynn will be four years old while on the cruise…Although four years old Ashlynn will celebrate her first birthday having been born on leap day February 29th. I’m wondering if possibly the maitre d can be made aware of this big birthday and announce it to the guests and welcome all the diners to sing Happy Birthday to Ashlynn?

Thanks again for your consideration.


John says:
Hello Jack Simeonoglou,

It was a pleasure to meet you as well and I am pleased to see you will be sailing with us again on the Carnival Pride next week. Now I can’t I am afraid have the dining room sing to your granddaughter because obviously if we do this for one person the maitre d would have dozens of requests for it. However, I will tell the maitre d and ask the waiters sing this at the table for you and I will send her a little something as well.

I wish you all a brilliant time.


CruisngGator 123 asked:
Mr. Brand Ambassador,

It is obvious that your cheerleaders are blind to the cuts that Carnival continues to make. It is also obvious that Carnival is looking for a new base customer, someone of lower class who is more interested in paying a low price and happy to receive sub-standard food and service. Your Facebook page is nauseating and the gaggle of cheer leaders who pounce on anyone who dare say anything negative about Carnival or you should get a life. You won’t post this I know but it should be a reality check to you and Cahill that many of us have noticed that Carnival is not the cruise line it was once.

John says:
Hello CruisngGator 123,

I have been sitting on your comment for a week or so now trying to decide if I should post this or not. Reasons not to include the fact that you haven’t used your real name but instead are hiding behind a reptile fetish and also posting it means that I will be accused of only doing so to allow other readers to say the things to you that I can’t. I mentioned on Facebook the other day that I now, thanks to people like you, despise the word cheerleader and the vision of a beautiful lady in a short skirt and with perky…… ummm….pom poms has been ruined. However, the main reason I decided to post this was to let you know that I disagree with what you say and that we’ve made some really terrific changes to the product – Guy’s Burger Joint, Cherry on Top, RedFrog Pub, among countless other enhancements – while still continuing to offer the same value for money fun cruise vacation that continues to attract thousands of guests to our ships each week. I know my style of writing and my Facebook page is not for everyone. But the people there are passionate about Carnival and cruising and they should make no apology for that.

My Facebook page has become everyone’s Facebook page and now people are helping each other with questions and that’s great to see. Opinions are welcome and encouraged and I have seen some hearty discussions taking place there as well which again is something that has enhanced the page. We have 22,750 people there as of today and I hope that number will continue to grow. I also hope that you have cruised with us recently so that you can see that our core elements of value, quality and, of course, fun still remain. I still send you my best wishes even though parts of your post make my teeth itch.


Kevin Neilson asked:

Can you tell me if distilled water is available on the CCL ships? I need this for medical reasons!!

John says:
Hello Kevin Neilson,

Yes indeed it is and can be ordered through room service. Please let me know if there is anything else we can do for you and have a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.


Craig Delaney asked:

My wife and I are new to cruising having only been on two cruises. Our first cruise was aboard the Carnival Dream which was awesome. You were our cruise director and made one hell of an impact on our future decision to do more cruises. The following year we cruised on board that “behemoth” from RCCL and found it uninspiring and really nothing more than an overpriced disappointment. In 2013 we will return to cruising on board the Carnival Breeze. Will you be sailing on board this ship once it is sailing and if so do you know when? We would love to book when we know we will be truly entertained. We love you and all the Carnival staff we sailed with aboard the Dream.

John says:
Hello Craig Delaney,

Well after a certain comment just now this was music to my ears. Yes indeed I will be there with you on the beautiful Carnival Breeze and I hope to see you there and that we can have some brilliant fun together sailing in Europe. Thanks again and if you have any questions please let me know.

Best wishes to you both.


OK, that’s all for today and let’s see who is sailing with us shall we on this cruise, my first as CD here on the Carnival Magic.

Guest Count: 4,420

Non US:

  • 81 from Canada
  • 23 from Mexico
  • 9 from the UK

And here is where we are going and who is entertaining them:

  • Sun, Feb, 19 Galveston Welcome Aboard Show dep @ 4pm
  • Mon, Feb, 20 at sea Grooveline Cowboy Bill Martin /Just June
  • Tue, Feb, 21 at sea Activities / Deck Party Cowboy Bill Martin /Just June
  • Wed, Feb, 22 Montego Bay Destination Unknown Jason Bryne A Kiss Goodnight 9am-6pm
  • Thu, Feb, 23 Cayman John Heald talent Show And Bedtime Story 7am-4pm
  • Fri, Feb, 24 Cozumel Win Anthony Acosta/ Tony Esposito 10am-6pm
  • Sat, Feb, 25 at sea Asad Mecci and Carnival Legends Anthony Acosta/ Tony Esposito

So we have Asad who is a hypnotist, four very funny comedians, three shows featuring the cast of dancers and singers and some fat bloke doing a bedtime story. And last night the fat bloke did his first stage show since October last year and I was as rusty as 1971 Ford Pinto but I had a great time despite a sodding cold. It is great to be back on stage and thanks to the audience who were so much fun and reminded me just how brilliant a Galveston audience can be. I will hopefully have a few video clips of some of the characters I meet later in the week here on the blog thingy.

My assistant is 6 foot 4 Calvyn Shawn Champagne Martens who is as camp as a row of tents and one of the funniest most extraordinary men I have ever met. Guests adhere to him immediately and his extraordinary wit and talent allow are very evident in the morning shows we host together. He is very funny as I said and one day will be the most eccentric, most hilarious CD we have ever had, yep, he is that good. He gets multiple comments that he looks like “The one from Modern Family” or someone yesterday called him “Ross the Intern.” Regardless, I call him a friend and it’s a joy to work with him …despite the fact that he walks the ship humming Cher songs all day.

Let’s take a break from the Carnival Magic and visit the Carnival Spirit where our senior photographer and great friend of the blog and our Facebook page Mr. Radu is currently sailing.

Here is a selection of brilliant photos taken of the open decks. I hope you enjoy them.

After the show last night I had a walk around the ship and it seems that spring break is here already…………isn’t spring in March or April or did they move it? I was informed that it is Presidents Day weekend and so we have hung a huge flag in the lobby and being a holiday we have lots of kids and teens onboard including many it seems of college age which has surprised me.

After the show Calvyn my assistant and I walked around the ship pausing to look inside the Vibe nightclub. We saw a group of 20-somethings who seemed to be from a less privileged background and had decided to spend the family money on a cruise. This meant that there was no money left over to buy the lads new pants that fit so they were wearing Dad’s instead which meant that their underwear was in full view at all times. Calvyn told me these are called baggies ……..and it was “fashion.” Fashion?! How can advertising that you cannot afford trousers that fit be fashion? How can showing you underpants be fashion? How can having the crack of your arse on so much display that old ladies are putting quarters in there thinking it’s a slot machine be fashion?

These low trouser riding lads were eyeing up a group of 20-something girls who were unable to afford clothes as well and as they could not pay for a skirt had decided to wear belts instead.

Obviously the Carnival Magic bar staff has to ask these lads and lassies for ID before serving them drinks. This never happened back in the late 80’s when I was in the bar department because back then you could tell who was 21 and who was not. The problem is I have reached the age where I am no longer able to tell how old kids are. I had no idea if they are 21 or 15. Regardless there they were last night in the Vibe nightclub, grinding and “Slappin Their Bitch Down” and Dropping It Like They Are Hot in their short skirts and hot shorts and low riding arse crack showing trousers.

And there I stood, in the Vibe nightclub, feeling so bloody old, trying not to look out of place in my JC Penney blazer and polyester trousers held up by a pair of suspenders, with a snotty nose, a pink eye and a towering man who has posters of Richard Simmons and Bett Middler on his wall and whose hand will occasionally pat my bottom.


Your friend,


Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

64 Responses to FAT CHANCE

  1. jerry calvert says:

    John, you bring sunshine to my day!

  2. Rick says:

    Ha, great finish. Hope your eye gets to feeling better.

  3. Melissa King says:

    Isn’t there something in the contract about no solicitation?

  4. jgeraci says:

    Good to have you back!
    I have to agree with you about Calvyn. He is the very BEST!! All you CDs had better look out because he casts a BIG shadow.
    He’s such a delight!

  5. Sandra Greene says:

    Hello John, I, too, am “fluffy” or decently endowed as you. I am here to say that more than size , personality and outlook have soooo much more to do with longevity. I have arrived at the age of 65 and have buried many lovely slender friends whose outlook on life and celebration thereof was much less positive than mine. Buck up, give those naysayers a stiff lip and joke on!! That has helped me win many a battle. Sailing on the Magic to Key West 01/13/2013!

  6. Stan Foster says:

    Why do people feel the need to stop you with this, is just plain nuts, however I go back to when I was 12 and think of I may be fat but your ugly and I can go on a diet. My opinions are not always the same as yours but on this I feel the quests are crossing the line.

  7. Ellis Leija says:

    John, I can’t even begin to imagine how much crap you have to wade through to do your job. We’re a group of 16 sailing the Magic April 29th. I look forward to meeting you just to shake your hand, fat or not! Keep up the great attitude.

  8. duane says:

    @Lance Brezovan you have to be joking right? A $200 credit because you had to wait for anytime dining. Get a life and get overself. You must be the big minow in the your mud puddle. Do you request a credit because you have to wait at your local resturant or McDonalds?

    • Linda says:

      Thank you Duane!!! That dude is in another world! One that does not exit!!! Wow! Did he really demand a $200.00 credit? Puhleeze!

    • Dan says:

      Darn you Duane you took the words right out of my mouth….

      Hey, just a sec… John- another poster made a post about a post before I could say the same thing on the post. I expect 200 dollars.

    • Rick Williamson says:

      right on Duane! I also can’t for the life of me understand people on here that think just because they daughter is going to college or it’ her 4th birthday or our 40th anver. John should send them something to their room or have them on stage. People your on that great ship going to where ever on VACATION! Be glad you have the time and money to do it. And stop asking for handouts. You have been around Oboma to long.

  9. Lissete says:

    First of all, Lance Brezovan, you can always take traditional dining and not have to wait at all. I am a huge fan of Your Time Dining. I am well aware that at times, I may have to wait for a table. When I do, I do not expect anyone to pay me for waiting!I would also love to know how he came up with that $ figure.

    My husband has been approached by Herbal I don’t have a Life reps at grocery stores. I do not have to be polite like you do. So I go off on them. Mainly I tell them that fixing weight is way easier than fixing ugly. And then I tell them that they’re ugly… and rude! Which I guess makes me rude too, but it just ticks me off.

    I don’t envy your job at all!

  10. Cazimir Cristea says:

    Hello John,

    We had Asad last year on Glory, he is good, liked the shows, special my kids during the “sleeping” secession.

  11. duane says:

    @CruisngGator 123 you are a very small man to hide not to use your real name. You are more than likely a troll who has not been on a Carnival Cruise. You imply that the people on Carnival Cruises are low class. Well, I certainly would not consider myself low glass nor thousands of others that cruise on Carnival. I have met doctors, lawyers and many other professional on my Carnival cruises. The reason we chose Carnival is that they provide an excellent holiday expericene for the most part and that they have been able to keep their prices reasonable just goes to show that they take into account all families economic status. Have there been cuts and changes? Yes but not to the degree you suggests and the changes they have made have been great. While cruise lines seem to be stuck in the status quo. I suggest you take a Carnival cruise before you comment on Carnival.

  12. The Cruzin2some says:

    Dear John,
    My beautiful inside and out Nancy has lost One-Hundred and Seventy-five (175) pounds and has never told anyone that they are fat because she remembers when she was overweight how much it hurt when people would call her chubby, fluffy or anything else to put her down. These people who do this say they are doing it to help you. They are not! They are doing it to sell you something or to make themselves feel superior. They are not!!!!!

    You are just fine they way God made you my friend and please tell them,to quote Mr. Gordon Ramsey, PISS OFF!

    The Cruzin2some

  13. Stephanie says:


    You shouldn’t hate the word cheerleader!!!

    I’ve been called a Carnival “cheerleader” for years! One of my friends commented that I should go to work for the company since I’m always gussing about how much I love Carnival!
    I have been cruising since the 80’s and have cruised several different lines,but Carnival is my favorite.
    My friends,family and clients love hearing about our Carnival cruises and all the fun we have onboard.I have talked many of them into cruising with me on Carnival and they all loved it!

    And as far as those negative posters on CC and FB who call you that, they should know that there are several more of us (than them) that are on CC adnd FB,who love you and Carnival!!

    We now sail with a group every Sept who met on the CC rollcall board, we had such a great time together on that 1st Carnival cruise,(on the Liberty with Butch)that we decided to make it an annual event…something we all look forward to all year long.

    My fiance and I actually have a B2B booked (Carnival cruise 15&16 for me,9&10 for my fiance) on the Freedom this Sept with our CC “family” joining us on the 2nd leg and we can’t wait!!!

    So take heart, John, that there is a
    whole bunch of us on CC and FB who love you and look forward to hearing you “cheer” about Carnival!!!
    Keep up the good work,
    PS Hope you get well soon!

  14. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    I often wonder if the same tourists who do not buy cruise insurance (and then want Carnival to pay for their irresponsible behavior when something goes wrong)….

    would ever dream of calling the Ford Motor Company to give them a new car, if their Ford Mustang was damaged in a crash?

    IF you can not afford to lose….

    you either insure it or don’t buy it.

    Then Lance Brezovan thinks waiting for 40 minutes deserves $200?

    No one made him select YTD. He could have booked traditional and had no wait at all.

    Oh, I forgot this is not a blog about personal responsibility.

    I beg of Carnival to never respond; just so that we travelers are not burdened with having to be on the same ship with that tourist.

    Followed by Julia Suarez who forgot that while words like please and thank you are not required for “demands”….they are certainly required for “requests”.

    As for Gatorboy, his mother has obviously allowed him computer time again before she taught him how to be a decent human being.

    We shall pray that his deficiency is just immaturity and not a permanent character flaw. But I had to guess, I would say it is the later.

    No wonder you are ill this week. Just having to deal with these kinds of people would certainly make me sick.

    Thank goodness you have Calvyn to save your sanity!!!

    Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)

  15. Tammy in Texas says:

    John, another great blog! Thank you so much for sharing your insight with us! I would like to address the following letters:
    Peter Holt, our deepest sympathies for your loss. But I don’t see why you’d think Carnival owes you anything. You are a Platinum cruiser, so that means “this isn’t your first rodeo”. You know the risks of NOT purchasing insurance. I personally think you should be embarrassed to ask Carnival to “make it right for you”….

    Lance Brezovan, Really….REALLY??!! There’s no way in heck you deserve any amount of credit! I honestly, honestly, HOPE that Carnival calls your bluff. I would hate to be on a cruise with you and if you never cruise Carnival again, I’ll never have to worry about it! Did you NOT stop to think that there might be some wait on CHRISTMAS?? Perhaps if you had been more open and NOT requested a table for 2, you’d have been seated sooner. THINK ABOUT IT! DUH!! If you wanted to be alone with your partner on Christmas, why the heck didn’t you stay HOME?? Hello…..

    FFS John!!! I don’t know how you put up with this! I swear, JUST ONCE I’d like to see you say what you are THINKING….Love ya!

  16. Rita presnell says:

    Lance, don’t hold your breath on the $200 reimbursement!!! Do you expect a refund every time you have to wait at a restaurant?? Totally unacceptable!

    CruisingGator123……if you are too chicken to use your correct name you shouldn’t be posting on this site. While carnival may have adjusted their services to better serve the client they have in no way cheapened the product! And if you think those who cruise carnival are lower class perhaps you would be better suited for one of the more pricey cruise lines! Us real people don’t want to be associated with snobs like you!

  17. Ellen Schonbach says:

    John, I have had it with the rude people who keep talking about your weight. What is wrong with them. Does our body weight make us the people we are…I think not. You are the nicest,most generous person I have ever know. I want to tell you to just ignore these rude people but deep down I know it hurts you. We love you and hope you will always know that there are people around you that think you are special. Ellen and Dave

  18. Linda C. Brown says:

    I love your blog today & your answers to the questions. I am stalking everything I can while wishing the days away until my birthday cruise on the Miracle, March 25-April 2!

  19. Loretta says:

    Distilled water is different than bottled water.

    • Janey - OKGIRL says:


      Distilled water can be ordered from room service on all Carnival ships, I’m sure that’s what John was referring to.

      I do believe there is a charge for it though which he probably should have mentioned.

  20. David Thomas says:

    Around here we tell the kids whose pants are hanging low if they know what it means. We tell them it is indicator for those in prison that they are available to be their galboy.

  21. Josea says:

    Sir Lance Brezovan,

    Sorry you had to wait 15 minutes for anytime dining but I am curious as to why you think you deserve $200. Why not $2,000? No one likes to wait, but it is part of life. Can you advise as to how you determined $200 for 15 minutes?

  22. Bruce C says:

    I heartily concur with Peter Holt. We were on the Carnival Magic on its 3rd Mediterranean cruise in May last year. Sadly, two days after sailing we got news that my younger sister had passed away. John, you and the Carnival team could not have been more helpful, allowing us to contact home whenever necessary. Your sympathy and understanding was greatly appreciated as we were a long way from home in Australia. You may remember me, The Poorest Australian.

  23. jill walenga says:

    Hi John, we missed you being on our Jan 29 Magic Cruise! My hubby and I will be sailing on the Spirit March 2, this will be our Platinum Cruise and we will be celebrating our anniversary! Only thing that would make it even better would be you as our CD, but I know your’re on the Magic,,,,, so maybe a nice ship on a stick???? THANKS JOHN for everything you do!!!
    Jill Walenga Cabin 7212

  24. zena says:

    Hi, just a positive note, I am finalllly getting to go on the cruise I’ve dreamed of all my life! On june 3 we’re taking the carnival magic to the caribean. We will be celebrating our 30th anniversary. Not only have we raised four kids but we are raising our two grandchildren now, also, both of us will be returning to college in september. Just wanted to say that life is always got something good to look forward to!

  25. Jeff says:

    Just wanted to let you know that the staff on the Magic was awesome! The waiters where great! We sailed on 2/12 had the best time with Carnival! My family loved it!!!

  26. Dorinne says:

    John, I lost nearly 100 pounds a couple of years ago and I don’t feel the need to go around preaching to others. That’s incredibly rude and shows that no matter how much weight someone can lose sometimes they’re still just a huge a**! I gained about 10 pounds on the Imagination in January by eating everything I darn well pleased because, hey, we were on vacation! Please ignore the horribly rude people like her and sit down to enjoy a piece of chocolate cake with me next time we’re onboard! 🙂

  27. Teresa Wachs says:

    These rude people need to be STOPPED. It is never appropriate to comment on a person’s weight, hair sytle, color, nose, feet or any other part of them. I think the comments on your appearance are so out of line that we should have a contest to discover the top ten most clever ways to tell these people that they need to shut up and go away without getting you fired :):):):
    I love your blog and can’t wait until the blogger’s cruise. Best wishes.

  28. Chris Yust says:

    Hope you are feeling better. take care of yourself.

  29. Cruiser Dave says:

    We experienced similar YTD waits as Lance on our December cruise on Valor. Lobster night had a 45 minute wait, and we were given a pager to call us back to the dining room when a table became available. It never even occurred to us that we were hard done by, it was just the nature of first come, first served dining. We did resolve to go back to our usual late time dining next time around in order to avoid any waits, but we were glad to have tried YTD. It was on us to weigh flexibility against a fixed reservation, and for us, the latter has now won out. Now about that $200 credit….

  30. Martha says:

    I was delighted to learn through your blog today that distilled water is available aboard ship, as I also require it for my CPAP breathing equipment. I had inquired, several years ago, about this and was told it was not available, so since then I have had to carry it with me. This will lighten my carry-on load. We have cruised six times with Carnival, and I’m hoping for at least one more this year, if our health remains. I also want to say thanks for all you do for Carnival passengers, and for the laughs you inspire on your blog and on facebook. Keep up the good work and ignore all the frogs who keep croaking nasty things.

  31. Debra says:

    John…It seems periodically you will come across some idiot who feels the need to tell you that you are overweight. The child,he was just being brutally honest as most young children are but for the adults, they are just plain idiots. As I continued to read your blog and scrolled down to Asad who is the hypnotist maybe the next time some ding dong decides to attack you about your being why not try and find a way to get them on stage and have Asad hypnotize them into thinking they are fat and then have someone go up to them to degrade them, video tape it and give it to them for a souvenier. (If only!) 2ndly for gator meat what type of class of people is he…obviously the lowest class, full of crap and lives in a swamp.

  32. Jim Pogue says:

    My wife, her sister and husband and I were on the Magic on the 1/15 cruise.

    The size of the boat was perfect for balancing the extra food with easy exercise getting to and from everything. This was not a problem for us at all. The food was excellent along with the great MDR service. One comment on the “entertainment part” of the MDR service, where we were sitting it was very dark when the lights were flashing on and off. We enjoyed the singing, but still wanted to be able to see the food as well.
    Our cabin steward simply was outstanding, we simply could not have been happier with the service. We had a fog delay on returning to Galveston, which I know caused all kinds of problems for the crew, but you couldn’t tell that from their service while we waited. They continued with the same friendly, let’s have fun attitude until we stepped off the ship.
    As I was getting ready for the trip I missed that the Magic did not have a Guy’s Hamburgers and was disappointed for 20 seconds, because everything else was great. A hidden treasure was the Tandour offerings.
    James was the CD and the entire entertainment staff was great. The shows were totally entertaining, and the show room is amazing with all the fabulous staging equipment there. There aren’t many shore based rooms with this level of staging equipment available.
    A small issue was with the elevators during embarkation and disembarkation, but that is like asking the mall to provide enough parking for everyone on Christmas Eve. The tendering at Grand Cayman is a bit of a challenge on a relatively short shore day, but not anything to stop the fun.
    Finally, a note from one who carries a few extra pounds, my weight doesn’t change who I am or how I act towards others. It would be nice if others were able to do the same.

    Keep up the great work.

    • Linda says:

      Hi Jim!

      You should have been on there in December! James made it snow in the atrium! It and he were awesome!!!!

  33. Karen L says:

    John, I don’t envy you having to “play nice” with obnoxious guests who have the audacity to comment on you weight. They should be enjoying their cruise, instead of harassing the CD. You have a larger-than-life personality that fits beautifully into your body just the way it is. Don’t let the rude-niks get to you; they’re in the minority.

    I look forward to seeing you (and Calvyn) on the Breeze in Aug.

  34. Kara says:

    John, I really wish you and Guest Services could point out the No solicitation policy in the ticket contract.

    “Oh, you’d like to speak to the Cruise Director? What is this in regards to? Oh, you don’t want to say? Well, let me please advise you that if you tell him about any pills, teas, creams or programs that will help him lose weight, he’s allowed to toss your butt off the ship.”

    You should simply tell each and every one of these people that approach you that you are currently taking whatever they are selling and don’t you look marvelous because of it. (And then kick them off the ship.)

  35. Patty Estill says:

    Please excuse my blunt ness here:
    Screw those people who want to tell you how to live your life! Number 1, it’s really none of their business. Number 2, life is too short to not eat what you want, drink what you want, be who you are, etc. Number 3, see number 1!

    I’m not sure who is worse: people who have lost weight or people who have quit smoking. The “I know everything and can SAVE you” groups. Bah! Be who you are, John. We love you just that way!

  36. Lorrie says:

    John, Tell your obnoxious guests that you have a medical condition and you’re working with a doctor. End of discussion, it’s a confidential matter not to be discussed with outsiders. That might shut them up and have them mind their own business.

    • Linda says:

      He does not have to and should not reply in any way to them. If he is happy with John, let the nay-sayers carryon. If you answer a fool too many times, you will appear to be a fool yourself. (Not calling either of you afool, by the way!)

  37. Rhonda Kight says:

    My husband and I are taking our grandaughter who is 15 and her friend who is 14 on their first cruise July 22nd on the Carnival Magic.Just wanted to say Thanks for all you do.My husband and I went on The Conquest last year had a GREAT time everyone was super can’t say enough.

  38. Kris P says:

    Hi John – nice to see so many people saying positive things ! Always easy to complain and gracious to praise. Comments regarding your physical stature are nothing but RUDE! I wonder if these same people apporach skinny balemic people and try to sell them weight on! Remember just consider the source

  39. Debbie McPherson says:

    Hi John, Love reading your blog and your facebook posts. Last summer I made reservations for the 21JAN12 Dream cruise out of Pt. Canaveral. I booked a room for my husband, my granddaughter and myself and a room for my daughter and her fiance. I paid $250 deposit for 4 people. My daughter ended up not being able to cruise so I had to call and cancel her room. I was told that there would be a $400 credit (100 was non-refundable). However, they will not give me the credit. They said it would be under my daughters name. I want to book another cruise for this summer and want to use this $400 toward my booking. Why won’t they give it to me when I booked the room and paid the bill. It makes no sense to me. In cause you need this info my daughter’s name is Jessica Morgan and we are from Canton, IL. thanks!!!

    • Rick Williamson says:

      Lady it’s like they said! It in HER NAME! She would get it back. Surly she would give the monet back to you her mother right? Now if you payed by credit card AND you havn’t paid it. Call the card company and get it stopped.

  40. Wendell Pendell says:

    John, if you lose any more weight, I won’t have anyone to stand next to in photos!

    I can’t imagine trying to lose weight on a cruise ship with all its food available. Like being a monk trying to keep his vows in a whorehouse I suppose.

  41. Annette says:

    I have been cruising Carnival since the last voyage of the Mardi Gras. I’ve been on 2 inaugral cruises with you, (Destiny and Triumph. You are by far the best cruise director ever. Anyone who would criticize your weight has very little self esteem of their own. Beauty, charm and witt stem from the inside out and keep in mind that God doesn’t make any junk! My husband and I will be on the Breeze Dec 8th. I hope that you will be on there as CD as this would make the cruise perfect.
    Thanks for all you do,

  42. Bart de muynck says:

    I will be on the Spirit in July in Alaska. What ages do kids have to be to ride the green thunder?

  43. Scott says:

    We cruised the Magic on 2/12, and were sad when we got on board and found that you weren’t CD for our trip. Hennie was excellent though. We did catch sight of you on the first formal night moving through the dining room. Our tablemates were confused when my wife stopped mid-sentence to turn to me and ask “Is that the back of John Heald’s head?” Maybe we’ll catch you on our next cruise.

    Calvyn was by far the funniest staff member on the ship, I loved his sense of humor, and his dance towards the end of the cruise (no spoilers) left me in tears from laughing so hard.

    We loved the Magic, and we’re glad that we were able to cruise on it out of Galveston.

  44. Eric Bunch says:

    Dear John,
    I am writing to ask you and carnival to keep seaking out the so called working class people to go cruising ( I fall in this catagory of people! ) I work as full time truck driver , part time farmer and a vol fire fighter as well as a Vol EMT IV ! I Have never cruised with rccl and never will .I worked really hard this summer to save up the money to take my 2nd cruise in march on the conquest and bring the family along for the ride But I would love to see a discount for people that risk there life for the safety of others such as in my oppion miltary ,police , ems and fire(how nice would it be to have these guys on your side if needed cause I know that no matter where you are in the world you are always a EMT , firefighter, police officer an not to forget the best of all our military forces ! Sincerly Eric Ps Thanks John I have never followed a blog a day in my life I have a new found hobby LIKE I HAVE THE TIME LOL!!!!!!!

  45. Laurie says:

    HELP!!!! We are west coast cruisers and I know I should not start another blog but you are taking all of our ships!!! What is going on?? 2013, we only have the Inspiration? You are taking the Splendor to New York, the Spirit to Australia. Is Carnival abandoning the WEST COAST??? Please let us know why….

    • Jim Wadstrup says:

      I asked a very similar question a couple of weeks ago, and have not seen any mention of the reasoning. During the Alaska season, it looks like our choices are 3 or 4 day cruises all the way to Ensenada. There has to be enough demand for another ship here on the west coast.

  46. Cheryl says:

    As I write this, we are sitting on Serenity deck overlooking Ensenada harbor on the Inspiration. Love your blog and we just laugh at all the silly people who complain about dumb stuff. One guy was just yelling at the towel attendant regarding the disgusting rock music being played here where it should be serene… Lol… Some people are never happy! We love everything about our cruise experience because WE WANT IT TO BE GOOD! Thanks for all you do to help those who need help!

  47. jack says:

    john i was on the magic august 2011 and you made my first crusie the best i will have as my mum didnt enjoy it thank you and tell mel from the behind the fun tour thanks you were grate thanks

    is breeze same size and dezine as the magic please email me your answer at jackwestham@gmail.com

    thanks john you the best

    from jack

    A 10 yearold

  48. janet says:

    We are proud to say:
    “We love John Heald and his social networking”
    “We love Carnival”
    “We love the food on Carnival, in all of the food venues”
    “We just plain love cruising on a Carnival ship”
    We started cruising in Oct 2007 and will be going on our 15th and 16th cruise in April and can’t wait for the B2B2B cruises on the Carnival Legend in Aug/Sept of 2013 to the Baltics etc.

  49. Martha says:

    I so needed a good laugh John!! Thanks!!

  50. Sharon says:

    Here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

    CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

  51. Becky says:

    With the new timeline, I am missing stuff, I think. I must be missing some of Mr. Radu’s photos. It seems like the Feb. photos are the last ones shown. He does such brilliant work and shoots shots that are so enjoyable to view. Why haven’t there been any since Feb, please?

  52. Tess says:

    Is there a website, or a way to get statistics on a cruise’s passengers. For instance counts by age, marital status, citizenship, gender, etc?

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