WHAT THE CREW EATS

March 28, 2012 -

John Heald

It’s amazing how a beautiful sunny day where the birds are singing, the sky is blue and my hemorrhoids are not itching can instantly turn into a crappy day. And what did it for me yesterday was something that turned the skies grey and made my hemorrhoids feel like someone had poured sawdust on them. Heidi had asked me to “poop to the supermarket” as she was busy waxing her legs or watching Desperate Houseb****es of Orange Jersey and so off I went like a good husband would.

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MIAMI BITCH…..OOPS…..I MEAN BEACH

March 26, 2012 -

John Heald

As you may know, I was in Miami two weeks ago sorting Carnival Breeze stuff out with the beards and while there I decided I wanted to go for a really good meal to say thanks to my assistant Calvyn for all his hard work. We had eaten for most of the week at restaurants that pretty much all look the same, smell the same and whose food all tastes the same. So taking a break from Tony Chili’s and Ruby Roma’s, we headed to Miami Beach for a proper dinner at a very upscale restaurant. It is considered the most popular place in town and the place to be seen and the place for the rich and the tanned. I knew it may not be easy to get into but considering Calvyn and I were heading there at 6 pm and most of the Miami “faces” don’t even get out of bed before 8 pm as it would be very uncool to be seen eating dinner before 10 pm.

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GASTRIC MY ARSE

March 23, 2012 -

John Heald

It seems to me that more and more I am being called fat. Yep, my weight is discussed yet again in today’s Q&A and my bulging waistline seems to continue to fascinate. And not just in the world of .com either because it happens in real life as well. The other night, I went to a friend’s house for dinner and was offered more roast potatoes. “Oh, no,” I sighed, “can’t eat anymore carbs because they stay on me” patting my stomach as I spoke. This was a huge mistake because like all thin people, my host replied that they never have any trouble, “I can eat like a horse and never put on any weight” and as she said that she loaded another heap of potatoes onto her plate.

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I have worked hard these past few weeks and, of course, was looking forward to coming home and spending time with the family. When I say spending time with the family I meant taking Monday and Tuesday off and lying on the sofa watching TV having Heidi bring me food and drinks in between naps. But this was not to be and instead of me lying on the sofa watching the entire West Wing box set while dipping into a huge bucket of KFC, I was told that we were going to spend yesterday at the Bluewater Shopping Mall – or hell, as us men call it.

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Bloggers Cruise 5 Recap and BC6 Announcement

March 12, 2012 -

John Heald

Bloggers Cruise 5: Day 5 (Recap)

March 9, 2012 -

John Heald

Bloggers Cruise 5 – Day 4 (Recap)

March 8, 2012 -

John Heald

Bloggers Cruise 5: Day 3 (Recap)

March 7, 2012 -

John Heald

Bloggers Cruise 5: Day 3 (Morning Update)

March 6, 2012 -

John Heald

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.