May 30, 2012 -

John Heald

With thanks to the wonderful people of Fincantieri for allowing me to post this stunning video, I invite you to see ……………your Carnival Breeze.

On behalf of everyone at Carnival Cruise Lines I thank the incomparable men and women who have built this fantastic ship, a ship one day I hope you all see for yourselves.

Can You Hear Me Now?

May 29, 2012 -

John Heald

These days many flight attendants I have met on planes seem to be more like security guards with nice hair rather than the “Is there anything I can get for you, sir?” attendants of old. This, of course, comes from the world we live in and we have to listen to what they say in much the same way we ask our guests to do on the ship. One of the sure ways to upset Susan or Quentin, the flight attendants, was to use your cell phone while on the plane and anyone found with their phone not in the mysterious “airplane mode” would be thrown to the floor, beaten over the head with the in-flight magazine and tied to their seat until landing when they would be arrested before being driven to Guantanamo Bay accused of being a terrorist. (more…)

As you know, I went home recently for my daughter’s birthday and while I was gone, I left a certain person in charge…..yep……my assistant Calvyn Sean Champagne Martens. Now, overall he did a great job but I made a huge mistake…..I gave him the key to my cabin. Now let me explain why this was a mistake.


Interview with Carnival CEO Gerry Cahill

May 22, 2012 -

John Heald


May 18, 2012 -

John Heald

Here is the schedule for June, July and August and I will have the rest of the year as soon as I can. May I take this opportunity to thank all my Cruise Director colleagues for their continuing hard work and their dedication in making sure you have the most fun possible.

CD Schedule Summer 2012


May 16, 2012 -

John Heald

On Friday, I will fly home for two nights to celebrate my daughter’s birthday. I made a promise to her after missing her first and second birthdays that I would not miss another and thanks to the beards, I will head home on Friday and providing Ryan Air doesn’t fly me into a mountain or poison me with their in-flight sandwiches, I will return Sunday morning to the ship.


May 14, 2012 -

John Heald

Let me ask you a question. Why the heck do people who I hardly know put an “X” at the end of their emails? I have never kissed these people and never will. You have never had rumpy pumpy with these people yet…….they finish their emails with a kiss. Most people now seem to feel that it’s the law to send electronic kisses, not only to people they work with, but everyone else as well. It used to be that “best wishes” sufficed but now routine messages, even to someone you have never met, must end with an electronic tongue down the throat. I would guess that nine out of 10 women who write emails to me from Carnival’s land and sea operations finish with a kiss. And this happens so much that I worry that an email without kisses means this person is angry with them.


COOL BREEZE…..and my complaints.

May 10, 2012 -

John Heald

Good afternoon everyone.

Tomorrow is move on day for the crew so it’s going to be extra busy for me as I supervise my department and help them move from the hotel onto the Carnival Breeze. It looks like I will have to stay in the hotel over the weekend as my cabin is not quite ready yet as the infinity pool needs to be filled and the Egyptian silk sheets have not arrived from Harrods just yet. OK, that’s bollocks of course. Ketut is getting the cabin ready but so far I don’t have a computer yet as one of the biggest jobs is for our I/S department to set up over 100 personal computers and much, much more. So in order for me to keep working as the wireless system is also not working just yet, I will stay in the hotel over the weekend and hope to move on Monday. This will mean I will be able to continue to keep you updated here and on Facebook.

So, it’s a quick blog today and we start with three more videos from the ship which Peter the Hair and I made a few weeks ago. I hope you enjoy them:



May 9, 2012 -

John Heald

Stephen James Caulker asked:

Heald: Urgent!!! On my cruise on Carnival Magic there were no workers checking IDs to get into the Serenity area and I know for a fact that there was a family who was next to me who had a son who was 19 and you said in today’s blog the minimum age to get into Serenity was 21. I know he was 19 because they were talking about what he wanted for his 19th birthday. There must be deck boys checking the ID of all the passengers so that it is 21 which is what you said in your overinflated blog today!!! The sign should say “Teens not allowed!”



May 7, 2012 -

John Heald

I have done many boring things in my life. I’ve seen the musical Mamma sodding Mia. I have played Scrabble. I’ve sat through a three-hour training session on board about safety shoes and how to pick up a box. I have been in an all-day marketing meeting where beards utter words like “blue sky thinking” and “raising ideas up the flagpole and seeing which way the wind blows” and I have watched Sex and the City 1 and 2. I am therefore an expert on boredom and how deeply it can affect my ability to stay calm and not want to poke my own eyes out with a toothpick. Some people are able to fall asleep when they are bored. But not me, I just get frustrated and for some reason when I check my sugar level and I am bored, it goes up. When I am bored, I get mad — mad at the man who dreamt up these ridiculous marketing words and the plonker who thought it would be a good idea that a movie about three women and a horse who live in New York and have rumpy pumpy with their bras on. (more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.