COOL BREEZE…..and my complaints.

May 10, 2012 -

John Heald

Good afternoon everyone.

Tomorrow is move on day for the crew so it’s going to be extra busy for me as I supervise my department and help them move from the hotel onto the Carnival Breeze. It looks like I will have to stay in the hotel over the weekend as my cabin is not quite ready yet as the infinity pool needs to be filled and the Egyptian silk sheets have not arrived from Harrods just yet. OK, that’s bollocks of course. Ketut is getting the cabin ready but so far I don’t have a computer yet as one of the biggest jobs is for our I/S department to set up over 100 personal computers and much, much more. So in order for me to keep working as the wireless system is also not working just yet, I will stay in the hotel over the weekend and hope to move on Monday. This will mean I will be able to continue to keep you updated here and on Facebook.

So, it’s a quick blog today and we start with three more videos from the ship which Peter the Hair and I made a few weeks ago. I hope you enjoy them:


There will be many more photos and videos to come and judging from the comments I received from the ones I posted on Facebook yesterday, the Carnival Breeze is being brilliantly received and I can’t wait to show you more.

I know that a complaint is a gift as people with beards have written about and, yes, we need constructive criticism in order to continue to be the best in the industry. However, sometimes I just feel like taking of all my clothes, turning off the lights and sitting in a darkened corner humming Abba tunes. I won’t bother posting the two comments sent to me in the last few hours where one chap suggests that my Bedtime Story was stolen and that it was invented by the late and very great Dave Armor.

This isn’t true, by the way. It was invented by a CD called Bob Goss in the very early 80’s and back then it was called the Fairy Tale. It was a standard CD skit which Bob gave everyone permission to do and what I did was take the sound effects of rain and wind and add my own “characters” turning it into the Bedtime Story. This post from someone whose name has become synonymous with negativity here and on Facebook suggested not only I refrain from doing this but also — and I quote — “hang up your cruise director hat and your blue jacket and work as an entertainer at a retirement community in Florida.” I also received a comment yesterday complaining about something that if I post here the author will be turned slowly over a spit like a hog roast but it had to do with a crying baby in the dining room and the request for a 50% refund of the cruise.

So, because of this, I have decided to take a seven-day cruise myself on The Epic of the Seas and each day demand lashings of fruit and money. Here is what I will complain about each day.

1. Hello, is that the guest services desk? This is Mr. Heald from the penthouse calling. I was trying to sleep in this morning but there is a crew member working outside my cabin. He’s got a huge tool that vibrates the whole cabin and I just can’t take it anymore.

2. My cabin is right underneath the basketball court. I can’t get any rest because H82Seaugo and Lucinda Lace are bouncing their balls on the deck.

3. Someone has stolen the toilet seat in my cabin. I have spoken to your security officer who tells me they have nothing to go on (that one was stolen and in tribute to the wonderful and much missed CD Dave Armor).

4. I don’t mind the cruise line allowing service dogs on board but it’s the dog poo I find hard to swallow

5. I want to complain about the Lido Deck being slippery. My wife slipped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

6. I went into my cabin and noticed a bad smell coming from my drawers.

7. My assistant Calvin is here with me and is very dissatisfied with the problems with his cabin. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job.


Your friend,


Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.