COOL BREEZE…..and my complaints.

May 10, 2012 -

John Heald

Good afternoon everyone.

Tomorrow is move on day for the crew so it’s going to be extra busy for me as I supervise my department and help them move from the hotel onto the Carnival Breeze. It looks like I will have to stay in the hotel over the weekend as my cabin is not quite ready yet as the infinity pool needs to be filled and the Egyptian silk sheets have not arrived from Harrods just yet. OK, that’s bollocks of course. Ketut is getting the cabin ready but so far I don’t have a computer yet as one of the biggest jobs is for our I/S department to set up over 100 personal computers and much, much more. So in order for me to keep working as the wireless system is also not working just yet, I will stay in the hotel over the weekend and hope to move on Monday. This will mean I will be able to continue to keep you updated here and on Facebook.

So, it’s a quick blog today and we start with three more videos from the ship which Peter the Hair and I made a few weeks ago. I hope you enjoy them:


There will be many more photos and videos to come and judging from the comments I received from the ones I posted on Facebook yesterday, the Carnival Breeze is being brilliantly received and I can’t wait to show you more.

I know that a complaint is a gift as people with beards have written about and, yes, we need constructive criticism in order to continue to be the best in the industry. However, sometimes I just feel like taking of all my clothes, turning off the lights and sitting in a darkened corner humming Abba tunes. I won’t bother posting the two comments sent to me in the last few hours where one chap suggests that my Bedtime Story was stolen and that it was invented by the late and very great Dave Armor.

This isn’t true, by the way. It was invented by a CD called Bob Goss in the very early 80’s and back then it was called the Fairy Tale. It was a standard CD skit which Bob gave everyone permission to do and what I did was take the sound effects of rain and wind and add my own “characters” turning it into the Bedtime Story. This post from someone whose name has become synonymous with negativity here and on Facebook suggested not only I refrain from doing this but also — and I quote — “hang up your cruise director hat and your blue jacket and work as an entertainer at a retirement community in Florida.” I also received a comment yesterday complaining about something that if I post here the author will be turned slowly over a spit like a hog roast but it had to do with a crying baby in the dining room and the request for a 50% refund of the cruise.

So, because of this, I have decided to take a seven-day cruise myself on The Epic of the Seas and each day demand lashings of fruit and money. Here is what I will complain about each day.

1. Hello, is that the guest services desk? This is Mr. Heald from the penthouse calling. I was trying to sleep in this morning but there is a crew member working outside my cabin. He’s got a huge tool that vibrates the whole cabin and I just can’t take it anymore.

2. My cabin is right underneath the basketball court. I can’t get any rest because H82Seaugo and Lucinda Lace are bouncing their balls on the deck.

3. Someone has stolen the toilet seat in my cabin. I have spoken to your security officer who tells me they have nothing to go on (that one was stolen and in tribute to the wonderful and much missed CD Dave Armor).

4. I don’t mind the cruise line allowing service dogs on board but it’s the dog poo I find hard to swallow

5. I want to complain about the Lido Deck being slippery. My wife slipped and fell on it yesterday, and now she is pregnant.

6. I went into my cabin and noticed a bad smell coming from my drawers.

7. My assistant Calvin is here with me and is very dissatisfied with the problems with his cabin. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job.


Your friend,


Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

22 Responses to COOL BREEZE…..and my complaints.

  1. unixrab says:

    We appreciate your tolerance and ability to ignore the petty. Thanks for all you do John.

  2. Jane Saunders says:

    Great jokes!!!! They had me laughing out loud in the office. I hope the move onto the Carnival Breeze is a breeze.

  3. Erin says:

    Number five… I’m scared!!

  4. Marty says:

    John could you please spend a little time on handicap features? This wheelchair traveler would appreciate the info. Thanks!

  5. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    Can not wait!!!

    She is going to be amazing!!

    PS: DJ said to just ignore the tourists…

    as I read him what you were dealing with today, his comment was …

    “well, isn’t that tourist a unique combination….rude and stupid.”

    Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)

  6. clint and kelly says:

    hi: john
    very funny and so true, i know you’ll be buzzy
    for awhile–remember only you can prevent forest fires. have fun with your new friends and i hope someday my wife and i can meet these fine people you are getting ready.
    best of luck to you all.

  7. Vickey Allen says:

    Hi John, I’m going to be on my Breeze in August and appreciate you posting pictures and videos of it. I’m looking forward to meeting you and can’t wait to see the beautiful Breeze! Loving your posts!

  8. Mark Levine says:


    I think you get more material from negative comments, but what are people thinking? Really? I thought people went on cruises to relax…Well, I do, anyway!

    I got to thinking about your blog from a few days ago about all the wonderful things included at no extra charge, and I started thinking about toiletries.

    When I cruised on the Conquest out of Galveston, we received an incredibly generous basket of bathroom goodies. Indeed, there were many things I brought with me to get all dolled up that I never used!

    If you have a moment, I’d love a list of what might be included in the bathroom goodie basket: This time around, I won’t overpack my bathroom supplies!

    Have a great time with the new launch!

    • Connie says:

      I’ll be interested in the answer to this, too. I was expecting something similar when I was on the Carnival Magic for BC5 and there was no basket of anything in the bathroom. It was a bit of a surprise when on all my previous cruises there was such a nice variety of items. My husband had forgotten his razor and we thought – no problems – but it was, with no goodie basket. Luckily we were finally able to get one in Jamaica (the gift shop didn’t have any). Until then, he was pretty fuzzy.

  9. Jan says:

    You just can’t make this stuff up. Wow!

  10. Gene & Karen Brown says:

    We just missed you on the Magic last year and wont make it onto the Breeze until next April, hope to finally see you then. Could you say hello to our favorite Head waitress Tatjana Safranj from us.

  11. Bob says:

    My girlfriend, Ana and I are excited about traveling on the Breeze. We will be going on the transatlantic cruise in November. Nearly every day we have two countdowns — 1) reading your posts and videos about how the finishing touches are coming, and 2) The days until we will be welcomed on the Breeze. I can’t tell you how excited we are, but what I can say is that we have already booked our second cruise….LOL

  12. We have been on over sixty cruises, and if there is one thing we’ve learned, its that some people take pleasure in complaining. We have sat at dinner on the first night of a cruise, and listened to people complaining about the food and service before the appetizers were served.

    Life is too short! Have fun!

    Happy cruising from
    Cruisin Susan(

    • Rick Williamson says:

      Andrew or Susan? can I ask you a question? How does one get sixty cruises in and not be over 100 years old? And do things like Yellowstone (where there are no ships) which we also love doing. Thanks

      • Good question, John. Susan and I are hooked on cruising. I’ll be sixty three in June, and since my mid 40s we’ve taken up to four cruises per year. We also find time for Boulder, Sedona, Cannes, and a few other land destinations on occasion. Life is short, why not have fun while we can!

        Best, Andy @

  13. Peter Jacques says:

    Thanks John for the video of the Breeze. I will be on her in Feb. I am looking forward to my cruse and hope you are the CD.

  14. Tammara Goldsworthy says:

    IS ketut the same wonderfu gentleman that took care of my sister and I on the Liberty last year!! We loved him so much!!!

  15. Valerie Phillips says:

    I really think that I have to stop looking at the pictures of the new Carnival Breeze. We have sailed the last three new ships within six months and this year things have changed. Looking forward to the Legend and the Baltics and British Isles. Not such a bad deal.Just on the Carnival Spirit to Hawaii. Amazing cruise. Maybe we can fit a Caribbean Cruise in somewhere.Are we spoilt???

  16. Rick Williamson says:

    Hi John, just wish you would ask us on here that don’t use facbook what their opions are on the subjects that you ask your facebook fans. Since you are asking anyway way not ask the broadest base possible? Thanks, have a great time on Breeze for those of us that will not be on her anytime soon.

  17. The Cruzin2some says:

    Dear John,
    What always amazes me is how fast the ship turns from what we see on these videos into the finished product. Truly Amazing!
    The Cruzin2some

  18. Sharon Monroe says:

    Just remember, John. Don’t sweat the petty stuff and don’t pet the sweaty stuff. Great thanks for putting up with so much and managing not to become a serial killer.!

  19. Lela says:

    At least one evening there is always an opportunity to take a picture with one of the lovely female dancers in a “Vegas” style costume. This is great for the men. Well…., what about us women? I wouldn’t mind taking a picture with one of the male dancers in a “Chipendale” type costume. In fact I’d probaby buy a photo package so I could share it with my friends at home. But, for me to take a picture with a female dancer in costume, sorry, BORING!

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