June 29, 2012 -

John Heald

If I have done my job properly and had a good Welcome Aboard show and other stage appearances that have made people laugh, then I take a walk down Promenade Deck. It should take me a few days to get from the bow to the stern because people want to say hello, ask questions or simply shake your hand.

This is still one of the best parts of the job and it certainly massages my ego after I have had been kicked in the bollocks by a chap called Dave and the rest of his Pandora’s Box group on Facebook yesterday. However, while the fantastic feeling of a job well done is achieved by this Promenade Deck walks there is also the chance that you will meet someone who either doesn’t like you or the ship. Now meeting these people is part of the job and I think it’s safe to say I am a good listener and face these comments as a challenge and do my best to turn them around. But worse than any complaint, any negative comment and even worse than someone trying to sell me diet pills that make you crap yourself more than an elephant that’s just eaten an entire field of cabbage. Let me explain.



June 27, 2012 -

John Heald

Heidi and Kye left for home today and I feel sad. I will miss not having them here more than words I am capable of writing can ever describe.

Obviously, I asked Heidi just before she left if she was OK because I know how it affects her and how she hates leaving me here on my own. Her answer of, “I’m fine” is a stock answer that women give to questions when they really are anything but “fine.” This is one of Heidi’s most annoying habits along with wanting to talk after rumpy pumpy. If I am silent for more than 30 seconds, she will ask me, “What are you thinking?” (more…)

I have had Heidi and Kye here this cruise and they have had a wonderful time and indeed for me it has been simply brilliant to have my darling girls with me. Kye is three years old now and still in awe of her father especially when I am on stage holding that magical thing she calls, “Dadda’s mickyphone” which for those who don’t speak three year old English, means Dadda’s microphone. Yep, it’s all cuddles and kisses and I have one proud daughter who loves everything her Dad does. But I am truly aware that as the years role on, that this will change and Dadda will soon be one big lump of an embarrassment to her. I have seen this so much over the years, parents embarrassing their kids on the cruise. So here’s a guide to what parents can do when they take them on one of our Fun Ships to stop their children wanting to never leave the cabin.


Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2012 6:31 PM
Subject: 10*** – Meeting with John

Good afternoon John,

Mr. and Mrs. _______ from cabin 10*** are asking to speak to you. They still have no luggage which was lost by Iberia. We have tried to work with the airline but so far they have not found it. Guests are very angry and upset and are blaming us even though they booked the flight independent to Carnival. They have no insurance and really are upset. Not sure what you can say, John, but maybe you can call them.

Thank you and best regards,

Guest Services Associate, Carnival Breeze

Let me start by saying that I have nothing but sympathy for these guests and they, along with 11 other cabins here on Carnival Breeze, have had the misfortune of the airlines losing luggage. (more…)


June 19, 2012 -

John Heald

I should mention before I start that the start of today’s blog and indeed the end bit may be a different to the usual rubbish I write. That’s because I want to use this forum to talk about my friend and one of Carnival’s finest, funniest and most exuberant cruise directors Mr. Corey Schmidt who died last month.

For those of us who knew Corey, it has been difficult to comprehend his passing. Now, if I were to write this blog responsibly, with adequate research to confirm certain facts, I’d have to ask people about the last time they saw or spoke with or heard from my friend Corey. But I’m afraid to ask his family those questions. I’m afraid to talk with his wife or those who spent the last few years by his side; I don’t know why this happened.

Apologies and Other Horrors

June 15, 2012 -

John Heald

It used to be easy to be a man. Work. Eat. Sleep. Have rumpy pumpy. Fart. Men never had to worry about anything really. The wife would cook dinner and us men never had to be worried about what designer label was written on the waistband of your underpants.

But these days, it has all gone tits up as we say where I come from. Here on the Carnival Breeze, I am surrounded by men with names like Butch, Ryan and Kyle. These are not normal men and neither are many of the men you know. (more…)

All Washed Up

June 11, 2012 -

John Heald

Yesterday, on Facebook, I spoke about how the chief engineers on our ships are unsung and rarely acknowledged. This comment made me think about what other positions on the ships never get mentioned. In the past I have spoken about the medical team, the waiters, the stateroom stewards — or “cabin boys” as they will be called later in the blog. I have written about Ketut who has to clean my cabin and pick my underpants off the bathroom floor. I have indeed praised many crew members before but I have never ever mentioned these guys, the galley stewards, the guys who wash the thousands of plates each and every day once you and I have cleared them of flat iron steaks and chocolate melting cake. Let’s meet some……here are Wahyudi and Suparthono, two of our fantastic galley stewards who make sure we all have clean plates and cutlery and never get the spotlight shone on them. (more…)

Today, I am going to highlight some of the comments we have received from guests about their cruise experience. Now let me start by trumpeting very loudly that in all the 14 inaugural cruises I have been privileged to do as cruise director, that the Carnival Breeze has (touch wood) been the best by a long, long way with oodles of wonderful comments and lashings of praise. Why? Well, because the Carnival Breeze is our best ship yet. The end. (more…)

Good morning everyone and we start today with an English lesson………..for me. (more…)


Part 1




Part 2





Part 3


Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.