July 30, 2012 -

John Heald

There has been lots of debate on my Facebook page and, indeed, here on the Carnival Breeze amongst the guests about the opening ceremony of London’s Olympic Games. For the most part I thought it was a piece of typical Britishness. Eccentric and slightly bonkers. A few bits were far to PC for me though and none more so than when the helicopter (we will speak more of that in a moment) flew over the statue of Winston Churchill. Did you see that bit? It was so right that the great man was recognized, yet there was something strange about the great man’s mouth because the cigar between his lips had been taken out even though it’s on the actual statue. I am sure this had been done so as not to promote smoking. I am not sure if I can find the words to say how angry this makes me….and how utterly stupid this is. It’s the same as showing the camp fire scene from Blazing Saddles, yet taking the fart noises out so all you have are a group of cowboys lifting their bottoms slightly off the ground.



July 27, 2012 -

John Heald

Before I was a cruise director or a bar waiter even and before I worked in the city of London as a…well, actually, I have no sodding clue what I did, I worked for a local newspaper in my home town of Southend selling advertising space. It has been nearly 30 years since I did that for a holiday job while I was at college and I hated it and what I hated most of all was cold calling. Calling local companies and seeing if they wanted to advertise their business in our newspaper was a dark and lonely job that usually left me with the ringtone resounding in my ear hole. For these reasons, I always try to be nice to cold callers when they contact me.

So during the show last night, I took some people from the audience for some pre-show fun before the Divas revue. It included a young couple who, when I asked for their names and where they were from, they replied they were from Denver, Colorado. I then shocked myself by instead of saying, “Are you having fun?” or “What’s your favourite port so far?” or “Bugger me your wife is gorgeous, are they real?” I went straight into the, “I am so sorry, how dreadful, it’s awful, I hope they cut his bollocks off and shove 50,000 volts through his arse.”

I would like to blame the guest who demanded that we pay for his cold medicine last cruise for the fact that I now have a stinker of a cold myself but, unfortunately, I had it before I had a close encounter with this Petri dish of a chap. In between his shouting session about how Carnival would “live to regret not giving him free medical care for the cold we gave him,” he sneezed and gave leviathan coughs and both the guest services manager and I both wished we were wearing Hazmat suits. But, unfortunately, I cannot blame my mate Mr. Nyquil because I have had this sodding cold for some days now and each year, since becoming diabetic, I seem to get one like this every 12 months. Bugger!



July 19, 2012 -

John Heald

Last week, someone posted a photo on my Facebook page. It showed a Carnival ship in space, taking a cruise around the moon. It was a great photo and I have been thinking about this the past few days and have been asking myself if indeed this is the future of cruising?



July 16, 2012 -

John Heald

Sent: Friday, July 13, 2012 9:17 PM
Subject: 7319 – ——— – wants to meet you tonight, John.

Good evening,

Please be informed Mr. ———– would like to meet you at 8:15am tomorrow, John, before he goes ashore. He is unhappy with the fact that he has had to pay for cold medicine in the gift shop and is requesting a meeting. I have explained you are busy at that time at the party but he was most insistent. Can you meet him? Kindly advise if possible to arrange it?

Thank you and kind regards,

Guest Services Supervisor
Carnival Breeze
Carnival Cruise Lines

Oh, joy. So off I went to meet a man who was very upset at having to pay for cold medicine in the shops on board (more…)


July 13, 2012 -

John Heald

This week, there have been many great articles from the brilliant Gene Sloan, the esteemed writer from USA Today, and other writers who wrote about the Carnival Splendor and her being the…well hold on, rather than me waffle and badly paraphrase his brilliance, let’s all have a look at the following post from our friend Vance.

So, Wimbledon is over for another year and no, we have three weeks of rest before London hosts the Olympic Games where our opening ceremony will consist of a double decker bus, David Beckham in a pair of Speedos and that other British institution Simon Cowell introducing some Bollywood dancers. Yep, compared to the opening ceremony China gave us four years ago, this will look like it has been produced by the London Retired Ladies Knitting Association. (more…)

The Grey Man

July 9, 2012 -

John Heald

I rarely pay attention to what other people are reading but over the last few days here on Carnival Breeze I have noticed a pehenomonan………a fernoman………..a phernoma………..something is very, very popular here and it all started with this comment from a guest.



July 6, 2012 -

John Heald

One of my favourite things to do is to host the Marriage Show as it sharpens my improv skills and mostly because I get to meet people like this wonderful couple. The song at the end is both funny and poignant and a message I personally have taken to heart….laugh it off.

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.