HORSES, WILLIES AND BEEPS

August 31, 2012 -

John Heald

There are some who would say that they resent being told what to do in the world we live in today. Don’t smoke, don’t eat too much salt, no right turn, keep your dog on a leash, correct change only, hold the handrail, watch your step, mind your head, don’t throw bulky objects into the toilet…… it is absolutely true that you can spend an entire day feeling scolded. Get off a plane and the flight attendant’s voice is nagging over the loudspeakers: “Remember to take all personal belongings with you.” My car bollocks me with a nagging, irritating alarm that dings loudly if I don’t fasten my seatbelt the second that I have switched on the engine. I have mentioned before about things that beep and how that beep is yet another way to tell me what to do……..and the worst of all is that bloody dishwasher. When it’s finished washing the mugs and plates, it makes a beeping noise. And if I don’t empty it immediately, it beeps again. And then again. How stupid is that?

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CONDITIONING AND THE AIR TO THE THRONE

August 27, 2012 -

John Heald

Hello, everyone. This is going to be just a quick blog as my arm is still under the care of the doctor and I want to ease into writing again slowly. My arm does feel better but the doctor said I have to be “careful” or I may need surgery again, which I want to happen in the same way I want Captain Hook to give me a rectal exam. While I was away having my carpool tunnel thingy taken care of, some of my Facebook friends wrote a couple of fantastic posts as if from our dog Breeze. They really were fun to read and, obviously, I thank those responsible for writing them.

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I had already started writing today’s blog a few hours ago as the ship sat overnight here in Venice. While I was asleep, I dreamt of running the 200 meters final representing the UK. I had been neck and neck with Usain Bolt and we crossed the line together but the judges gave Usain the gold medal because his gentleman’s sausage had crossed the line before mine. Anyway, I waddled over to the computer to find a message telling me that during the night, some “new software ” had been installed and the computer had “restarted.” My half written blog had gone. (more…)

THE LEGEND OF LONDON

August 8, 2012 -

John Heald

There is no doubt that the Olympic Games have done wonders for the city of London and the tens of thousands of people who have flown in from all over the world to visit and see huge Russian women with legs the size of truck tires throw a hammer around a field. It’s been great for me because we have had the BBC coverage of the games which I know upset one lady last cruise who felt it was biased to the British athletes but overall the games have been truly enjoyed by the vastly international 4,600 guests. Indeed, when Usaine Bolt won the 100 meters final on Sunday night the cheers from the packed Lido deck were, I am sure, heard in Jamaica.

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There is a book called “Women Are from Mars and Men Are from Uranus” or something like that and, judging from what’s happened here on the Carnival Breeze in the last four days, the author of this book was sodding well right. Within hours of the ship sailing from Barcelona on Thursday, a guest from Canada had contacted the guest services desk and had requested immediate debarkation as he and his partner had decided they hated each other. Now, obviously, he had to wait until the following day when we were in Marseilles before he got off the ship as we were at sea. Luckily, we had one open cabin for the night as some guests had missed the ship in Barcelona and would rejoin us in Marseilles and so, after four years of being together, he buggered off back to Toronto leaving his partner on her own to cruise without him for 11 days. What a true shame. (more…)

We have a procedure here on the ships that when a crew member is not well, he or she will go to the ship’s doctors. Now if the doc thinks the crew member cannot work, he or she is what we call “signed off,” meaning that they cannot work until seen again by the doctors and pronounced fit for duty. This is obviously an important procedure as you don’t want a sick crew member making your chocolate melting cake, do you? Seriously, we have very strict guidelines for crew when they are ill and the medical staff on the ships provides them with brilliant medical care and I thank them so much for doing so. Usually, when I am informed about a crew member being signed off work, I am not told why as that is, of course, confidential information. Sometimes, though, the crew members will tell me themselves and, indeed, such was the case a few weeks ago.

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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.