Last week Eric the Beard launched a contest on my blog to for you to submit a slogan for the T-shirt for Bloggers Cruise 6. Now, I know that the prize was a fantastic cruise for two on BC6 right here on the Carnival Breeze, but I was shocked that 260 of you entered. And while that is wonderful and somewhat humbling to see, I am bemused even more by something and that something is why would anyone truly want a T-shirt with my name or picture on it? Obviously, putting your face or name on a T-shirt is OK if you are a superstar like LeBron James, Justin Beaver or Captain James T. Kirk …….but me …….. I am confused.

You see, in my position as brand ambassador, I am aware that I am, in a massively diluted way a replacement for Kathie Lee Gifford while she was as beautiful as one of Mr. Radu’s sunset photos I posted yesterday on Facebook. I though am as ugly as a genital wart. I have always been ugly. This was confirmed when my friend’s dog started humping my leg and I looked down and noticed that it had its eyes closed. So thanks to those who entered the contest and I wish you all the best of luck.

Now we have to continue with T-shirts as you will see from this comment.


Sent: Saturday, September 22, 2012 9:55 PM



Subject: Cabin ————
Hi John

I received a call from cabin ——— Mrs. ——–, asking to speak to you. She was on the Rome excursion to the Vatican today and was very offended, she states, by the T-shirt that another Breeze guest was wearing during the tour. She has photos and wants to speak to you.  Please contact her when you can.

Thank you and best regards,

Guest Services Associate, Carnival Breeze
Carnival Cruise Lines

And so yesterday, the shore excursion manager and I met with this lady, an American guest, who showed us a photo of an older guest wearing a T-shirt that had a photo a cartoonish Presidential candidate Mitt Romney that said “Romney 2012, Feed Me A Stray Cat,” which I must say I totally do not understand.  When she showed us the photo on her camera, I have to say the first thing I thought of was how she must have taken this without the guest knowing and then the second thought was that maybe she was one of those cat obsessive people. I am not a big fan of cats. They crap in my garden and when their tails stick high up in the air, their bottoms look like napkin holders.

But she wasn’t a cat woman. She was upset, for sure, as obviously she is a big supporter of Mr Romney. Yep, she felt that making a political statement on the tour bus and even worse, doing so in Rome and in the Vatican, was wrong and that Carnival “should have done something about it.” Given the way some folks are passionate about their politics, I can see why this lady was upset and I explained to her that obviously there was no way that we could control what other guests on the ship wear on excursions and, obviously, the Vatican police and security did not care either because they let him in and I have heard that they are very strict about dress code.

As I sit here, in my underpants, I am still not sure what the whole cat thing is about but what I do know is that this is a cruise ship thing. Let me explain. If this lady had seen this chap wearing the T-shirt in the lobby of a Vegas hotel or sitting in Ruby Friday’s or Hooters, would she have sort out the hotel manager or the restaurant manager…….of course not.

It’s a cruise ship thing and another example of how the industry is far more prepared to listen and explain and understand and help our guests and is then another example of how the cruise industry’s hospitality shines so much brighter than our land based competitors.

Anyway, the lady left our meeting still upset and still stating that we should check guest’s attire before they get on the excursion bus. I explained that we will do this from now on for sure and we will also make sure everyone has been to the toilet, has clean underpants on and anyone seen in a Royal Caribbean T-shirt, will immediately be arrested, water boarded and have their buttocks flogged by Fun Ship Freddy. I really did say that, hoping to lighten the situation with humour. I failed. She left still upset and I am embarrassed to say both the shore excursion manager and I sat there and just shook our heads. And no…she isn’t getting a sodding fruit basket!

Time for today’s Q and A…… we go

Vera Jensen asked:
Hi John,

I am a single mother with two kids and am desperate to cruise again. I was on the Carnival Sensation 10 years ago but since then I have not been able to go. My question is that I have two kids and I want them to be able to go to camp for as much time as possible because I need some me time. They are nine and 12 years old and I cannot find anything that tells me the hours that the camp is open and what time I leave them there and the latest time I can pick them up and will they do their dinners as well? I want to book the Carnival Destiny at Christmas so can you help me?

John says:
Hello Vera Jensen,

It is great to see that you are ready to sail again with Carnival after all this time. Both Camp Carnival (for the nine year old) and Circle C (for the 12 year old) will open each day at 10 am and will be open throughout the day. Now they will close for dinner so you will be able to have a nice family dinner together but then you can return them to camp as with the Night Owls program (fees apply) there is now late night fun for the kids until 3 am. I hope this helps and, of course, I hope you are able to book. I am sure it will be a wonderful experience and you will be able to mix some “me” time with some family time and all three of you will have a brilliant time.

Best wishes.


Carol Anne Lowman asked:
Hello John,

I know you’re a very busy man but I need to find out which Carnival ships if any will be in Europe for 2014. My DH and I have decided to do a European cruise for our 25th wedding anniversary so, please, if you have any information can you let us know?


John says:
Hello Carol Anne Lowman,

What a wonderful way to celebrate this milestone of 25 years. To be honest, I haven’t heard about our 2014 plans for Europe one way or the other but as soon as I have any news, I’ll be sure and let you know.

Best wishes.


Paulette Edgar asked:

Can you send something to my new son in law and daughter for their honeymoon? They are going on the Carnival Triumph 10/4 and I heard that you send free goodies to honeymooners. They are in cabin 1434 and their names are Danny Bartez and Luna Edgar. Can you get them on the captain’s table as well for their honeymoon!!!

John says:
Hello Paulette Edgar,

I am sure the happy couple will have the most wonderful time on the ship and while I cannot I am afraid seat them at the captain’s table I will send them a little something to wish them the most wonderful time.

Best wishes to all.


Tucretia Loy asked:

On the Carnival Freedom, the webcam is broken. One month it may show a daytime scene, then I will ask Mary or Mischelle to get it fix. Then it breaks again. And now it is on a night scene. Any way you can take a shot at this to get it fixed? And stay fixed?

John says:
Hello Trucretiaq Loy,

Yes, you are correct, of course, and recently we have had a lot of problems with our web cams. They are all fixed now except Carnival Freedom which continues to be a problem but I am assured that this will be repaired as well in the next few days. Thanks for your patience and keep checking, please, as it should be up and running very soon.

Best wishes.


Chantelle asked:

I suggest that on your Facebook, you have a moderator system like Cruise Critic uses. The people who we call mafia members have taken over and the inmates are now running the asylum and we now call them mafia members as you will read here.

John says:
Hello Chantelle,

Just wanted to ask if you have a sister called Lucinda?

Best wishes to you both.


Robert and Gina Pettie asked:
Hi John,

We just returned from our Platinum cruise on the Carnival Breeze and WOW what a fantastic time we had. We loved the Platinum perks and have always thought that the laundry would be something we would not use but we did and it was a great service. Kudos to the crew, especially our servers Hector and Wayan who made each meal so fun. A big shout out also goes to the cabin steward who we called “Smiles” because she always was even at the early hours of the morning as we left for excursions. I can’t remember her real name now as “Smiles” was how we remember her but she was the cabin steward for 7238 so, please let her know. would you, John. There were so many highlights including Dubrovnik which you said would surprise us John and it did and became our favorite port. A special mention must go to the Bonsai Sushi server Lin. We went there three times, she remembered our names and would talk to us like we were old friends and the sushi was excellent, John. The list goes on but before I close, I do want to thank you and Calvin and how we miss your morning shows because you should be on national TV as your chemistry and humor together is something everyone should be able to see. We are already looking at our next cruise for January 2013. Thank you, John, and if you could show this to the young people who made our cruise so special, I would really be grateful.

Robert and Gina

John says:
Hello Robert and Gina Pettie,

Thanks so much for this wonderful post and I am so thrilled you had such fun. The crew you mentioned are fantastic and I can see what a brilliant difference they made to your cruise. I shall make sure everyone sees your words of praise and they will be thrilled. I hope we see you again very soon and if there is anything I can do for you, I will be here.

Best wishes to you all.


Pamela Dieterich asked:
Good morning John,

I will be taking my fifth cruise in September. On a couple of my previous cruises I have received Carnival pins with the ship’s name on it.  However, I did not receive one when I was on the Carnival Conquest last year.  Are the pins a thing of the past? I’ve been trying to find one on EBay but have been unsuccessful. Any suggestions or comments on the pins? Thanks for your help, John.

John says:
Hello Pamela Dieterich,

We had stopped the pins for a while, Pamela, only giving them to the Platinum guests. Now though with the new VIFP loyalty program, we have pins for our Gold, Platinum and Diamond members. These are ship and year specific and I think you will really like them and certainly the feedback we have been getting has been excellent. Please let me know what you think when you sail next and if there is anything further I can do for you, please let me know.

Best wishes.


Gail Francis asked:

My daughter is desperate to be an entertainer on a cruise ship and has applied to Carnival but nobody has responded. What can she do to get heard because she is an amazing singer and should be heard? Thank you

John says:
Hello Gail Francis

Please can you direct your daughter to  This is where you will find all the information on how to apply and where auditions will be held. I wish her much success.  Best wishes.


Christopher Stevenson asked:

Please, John, would you tell me if comedian Will Marfori is starring in the comedy club on the Dream in October. We sailed with him on our last cruise and he was hilarious and such an inspiration. Thanks

John says:
Hello Christopher Stevenson,

Unfortunately Will who is indeed both hilarious and inspirational no longer works on the ships. The last I heard he had given up comedy and was working on other projects. I hope that is not correct because he is so funny. I hope you have a great cruise and enjoy the Punchliner Comedy Club.

Brian asked:

I will be on the Carnival Dream on Halloween. We will be Costa Maya, Mexico for Halloween. Question is there any shore excursions for Halloween celebration in Mexico?

John says:
Hello Brian,

There are no excursions that concentrate on Mexico’s celebration of Halloween, I am afraid, but there will be a big party on the ship which I hope you will be able to take part in. There will be a costume parade and the ship will be decorated accordingly so get ready for some Halloween fun.

Best wishes


That’s all for today. The time is getting closer for the Carnival Spirit to head over to Australia and let’s have a look at how she will get there and who will be entertaining our guests.

Lots of sea days for relaxing and having fun. And, of course, we have the “Not a real day” event which is when they cross the International Date Line and a special ceremony is performed. I will have news and reports about this from the ship. Now we have worked hard to secure lots of entertainment for the Aussies and recently I posted some of the “Aussie-fications” we had made to the ship. Since then, we have been asked lots of questions about rules, regulations and what guests can and cannot do once the ship starts cruising from Sydney. So here then to help you is the first edition of the FAQs for Australia. The good news is that the brilliant Mischelle who helps manage this blog and helps me so much on follow-up questions on Facebook, will be managing the Aussie version. That means Australia has a ripper and bonza Sheila who will make sure she works tirelessly to give the guests a brilliant time…………..thanks, Mischelle.

As I said, this is a work in progress and we will have version two with new additional questions and answers soon. This is a new adventure for us and we want to make sure we get this right and make it a brilliant time for everyone who sails in this exciting and expanding market.

Back here on the Carnival Breeze, we are in beautiful Olbia, Sardinia, today. Sardinia has some of Italy’s (if not Europe’s) best beaches and this is a perfect port after Rome and Livorno to relax and do little or just enjoy those beaches with sand whiter than my inner thigh stretching for miles. Elsewhere, rugged cliffs plunge into the sea and tiny coves and picturesque harbours are what our guests are exploring and enjoying today. The waters really are the deepest blue and Olbia is a wonderful new addition to our itinerary.

Wish you were here…

Now, here’s a subject that most men, including our friend Dwight below, seem to always want to talk about: breasts.  Anyway, here’s Dwight’s question that I got via the blog thingy.

Dwight Lawrence asked:

There was talk on the site that you hate about what we miss about the old Carnival and amongst the list was the old topless deck. This was something that the passengers enjoyed and I am asking on behalf of others for this to come back and the adults only Serenity deck is already on many of Carnival’s ships so you already have the perfect place to do this again. I hope you will not ignore this and pass it on because you say you have the ear of the so-called beards so prove it and bring back the topless deck.

Hello Dwight,

Ahhh, yes, topless deck or booby deck as the crew used to all them. Yes, indeed, I remember them well…….both of them. I should explain for those who don’t know that back in the day on the Holiday, Celebration, Jubilee and I think on Fantasy and Ecstasy, we did indeed have topless decks. They were right at the top, midship, next to the smoke stack and I remember the sign at the bottom of the stairs leading to Knockerville that had a camera with a huge red line through it………NO CAMERAS ALLOWED it said. Now you couldn’t really take stealth photos back then because this was pre-digital and cameras were the size of baby yaks and it would be hard to take a secret photo of a pair of huge pendulous bosoms with one of those Polaroid cameras where the photo comes out the bottom, accompanied by a noise similar to an industrial sized photo copier.

The topless decks were mostly frequented by the dancers, younger guests and those men with moustaches and in Speedos who had “just gone up there to have a look at the funnel” in much the same way when at age 15 I used to read Playboy magazine for the articles on what the rich and tanned were wearing. Nope, I looked at Playboy for a look at Crystal, Age 19 from Montana ……. and I’m sure that’s why most of the men went up there, as well.

Topless sunbathing is a thing of the past, Dwight, and I don’t think the beards will ever bring it back, I am afraid. And besides, if there was a topless deck now, it would be probably like the few remaining topless beaches in Europe…….full of old retired people. And there is nothing worse than looking at an old topless lady, having to bend down toward her toes to be able to rub sun cream on her breasts. Oh, and back to Kate Middleton and the now infamous topless photos ……………it appears that having seen the photos that royal pottery company Wedgewood are to produce a commemorative pair………… of small jugs.


Your friend,


Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.


  1. Sheila Jordan says:

    I sure am missing the Spirit and Stuart Dunn already. Heck, even Guy Imoto and Capt. Volpi! However, I keep in touch with the latter and they have nothing but great things ahead of them. Oh how I wish I could afford to fly to Australia and cruise that new route. So envious beyond words. Just a shout out to you John. You are truly an inspiration to so many and the days and nights are better for us, just because you’re you. Blessings to you and your family.

  2. Joe Bozik says:

    Having googled Mitt Romney and ‘Feed me a Stray Cat’, it’s from an Ironic campaign poster, comparing Mitt Romney to the Wall Street investor/serial-killer Patrick Bateman from the novel and movie “American Psycho.”

  3. DannyK says:

    Good to read about Will Marfori. I was lucky enough to be on what I think was his last cruise on Carnival Glory last November. Too bad he won’t be on the ships anymore. is a video of him.

  4. Marion Cochran says:

    Knew I would get a laugh! Didn’t anticipate quite so many! And, on first Carnival cruise (Fascination,Miami based then) they had a topless sun deck. Hubby couldn’t wait to see the view from up there! Men will be men! Enjoyed the blog and, watch out for those tee shirts! Glad the guest didn’t scratch like a cat!

  5. Linda Sauls says:

    To the masses that DO appreciate you and the patience you have….I have an idea…Please video those meetings with those that complain of things you can do nothing about, then we can put them on YOU TUBE….singers have been launched, TV shows started…..who knows, maybe a new show for you when you retire…call it the “Healds beleive it or not, a compendium of true idiots and misfits”.

  6. Phil Hale says:

    Caught a couple of contradictions in the FAQ for Spirit that you may want to address. 1. Room Service items are individually priced. Thought this was free? 2 Kids in Swim Nappies WEREN’t allowed last week?

    • Bonida says:

      Doesn’t apply here. They have several different rules for the Aussies. Wish we were going over on the delivery. Would be so exciting!

    • Jacki says:

      Carnival has changed thier policy in Australia ONLY (to comply with local law) swim diapers WILL be allowed in the pools.

    • Mary says:

      I believe the policy is different for Australian cruises. That’s why there is a separate Q & A just for them.

  7. Linda C says:

    I boarded Carnival Conquest wearing a very thick afro hairstyle. When we got off in Progresso, it was hot and the afro was not working for me, so I braided it and wrapped it in a scarf. Upon trying to re-board, security hesitated in letting me onboard. They asked me to remove my headress to be sure I was suppose to be boarding. I was cool with it. My point? For security sake would be the only time I would edxpect those exceptional men and women to question what I am wearing. Some people just want to get your attention, John. So you cannot be all that bad! *smiles*

  8. Linda C says:

    OK, since I am first, I will add another – is it too soon to request middle dining room on the Magic, October 28? What time line do I need? They missed me on the last cruise and did not respond until I had returned. Ciao.

  9. Barb says:

    Your comment about the Polaroid camera on the blog today made me really laugh out loud!! Had one of those relics myself. I sailed on the Jubilee in 2001 and have a picture of the door leading to the topless deck. Never went through that famous door!

  10. Patty Martin says:

    I think the t shirt would be cool…The cruise would be really super cool..But I would settle for just the t shirt…
    BTW I have learned to read your blogs at home…So now my neighbors think that the girl that works in the ofice of the property that I work at think that “I’m CRAZY” but hey I did not sign up to work at a an apartment community so that folks will think that I have it all together…hahaha Just joking…Please make mine a large..I love over sized t shirts…Pretty please!

  11. Sue McCleese says:

    Thank you for your wonderful blog….you always give me and others a great laugh! I think you should go by “Captain Underpants!”

    We got off the Dream just as she was going into dry dock (super cruise by the way)..and were with a great number of people who met on Cruise Critic (The Caribbean Drifters). A good number of us purchased future cruise certificates….however, after repeatedly asking the young woman (brunette bob haircut, glasses)whether we could use them on our next cruise which was already booked…she INSISTED yes we could. A number of folks said “are you sure?” Again, she said yes you can use it. So we all bought certificates and now are being told no we can’t. It was why the question was raised in the first place…and now we’re all wondering if it is the old bait and switch? Yes we see on the certificate that it is for an unbooked cruise…but she really pushed the fact that we could all use them on the Liberty. Don’t know if she is told to do this or is it her way of making commission…but she was far from honest. I do believe you will get a number of letters and I know one gentleman is going all the way to the top on this one.

  12. Barb Shugart says:

    The day that someone stands just inside the ship at the gangplank and tells me, “Young lady, where do you think you’re going dressed like that? Go back to your room and put on something acceptable!” is the day I quit cruising.

    I don’t get the cat reference either, so you’re not alone, John.

    Maybe someone should inform her that it is only in modern day US of America that people make such a big deal out of the separation of church and state. Maybe that’s what was bugging her. hahahahahahahah!

  13. Jose says:

    Paulette Edgar, Have you heard of the word PLEASE? You are a typical ENTITLEMENT mentality welfare, free cheese eating, American. When you make a request say PLEASE! What a Rude individual you must be!

  14. Eric Wright says:

    Your mention of the topless sun decksbrought back fond memories of the Celebration and her topless sun deck. My wife and I sailed twice on her and I can personally say the view was magnificent! And yes I’m still married.

  15. Jeanette says:

    Ha ha ha, topless sunbathing isn’t completely gone…a woman at Half Moon Cay was on the floaty mat in the FAMILY beach area near the kids play area and was VERY topless in full view of everyone and anyone from the grand cabana to the families playing on the beach with their children!

  16. Lauren says:

    I’m curious as to what “the lady” was wearing? I have a feeling I might be offended. At the very least, I am sure the Fashion Police should be informed about her…

    Have you considered charging these people for your time to listen to their off the wall complaints? 😉

  17. Susan says:

    I sure do feel sorry for those poor kids whose mother just wants to get rid of them as much as possible at Christmas time.(And I am a single mom, too.)

  18. Michael Weaver says:

    WOW unbelievable that some would want the cruise line to dictate what passengers where ashore! I sure wish a time would come that people would just mind their own business! oh well!

    Noticed something on the Australia FAQ… (not that I will be sailing in that region anytime soon.. DAMN) They don’t get free room service down under eh?

    Lastly, I would LOVE to have your head on a t-shirt! I cruised with you on the Triumph 7/29/2000, and have compared every CD ( Carnival or otherwise ) to you, and sadly none matched up.. but the ones that were close.. were Carnival! (Wee Jimmy)

  19. Luis R says:

    In 2006 there was a topless deck on Carnival Destiny. I cruised there with my girlfriend but she didn’t let me go there. I just wanted to see the funnel up close.

  20. Roy Coney says:

    Love your comment and explanations on why there are no topless decks. it is a shame but at the sametime its neither missed or indeed exciting for some as back in the day.

    interesting read nonetheless, oh! and you may not know me but my wife did come out of the closet cupboard in the end…….!!(toilet).

    keep up the hilarity and how about a joke on the P.A each morning? lol

  21. David Myers says:

    Hi John,
    My wife and and I will be cruising our second time on Liberty next week. Is it true that the past quest party is no longer offered to 2nd time guest. If that is the case, why would it be called a returning guest party?

  22. Rose Marie says:

    LOL topless sunbathing is alive and well on the serenity deck here on the liberty! Left for some food and came back hubby was grinning like a fool!

  23. pete says:

    dear John, just to let you know… n matter what the beards decide about the topless thing, i fully intend to go topless in many areas of the ship. if this offends you in any way, please know that i am sorry, however, if you do not wish to enjoy the sight of my bare bosom, don’t look. it’s just that simple.

  24. Donna says:

    hi John,

    My DH (36&41 yrs old) and I will finally be taking our first cruise ever on 12/2 on Victory… (been together 20years!)
    I have been doing Major research to try and make this the best experience ever.
    My problem is, I think I’m OVER-researching… My mind is a mess! Our main goal is to cruise on a budget…(cruise, excursions, etc…)
    I starting by booking a bal gty room and I’m starting to worry maybe we made a bad choice… Any advice on that?

  25. Tania LoNero says:

    HOw do you add the FTTF to your cruise package John? I am wanting to add it to my Magic cruise I am about to book for November 2013.

    PS- I love your Blogs they are funny and serious at times and very insightful. And also don’t call your self UGLY Please, cause to me everyone is beautiful in their own way! <3 have a safe trip!

  26. Joe Garofalo says:

    John just a quick question i have been sailing with Carnival for the past 25 years. In the earlier days of your blog if someone were to ask you for dining room seating special events and the like it was posted on the blog and the requester had some idea if thier request was received or granted. Now with the way those requests are handled we have no idea if it was received or sent to the ship. would it at all be possible to come up with some method of notifing the guest if thier request was received or forwarded. I truly enjoy reading your blog everyday and if anyone can help you are the man. Thank you for listing and I truly hope to sail with you in the future.

    • Linda C says:

      Thank you Joe Garofalo! I totsally agree. It would be nice to know if our requests are seen or handled before getting on board and not know. You worded it so well. Thanks!

    • Suzy Zervic says:

      I also agree, have made dining requests and once boarded haven’t “found the table for two” as requested, rather for four..and even at boarding and speaking with maitre’d – no two tops available since it was late seating and full. It would be nice if Carnival could have a confirmation system of just receiving request…not necessarily guaranteeing, only that Maitre’d could try.

  27. Jim says:

    If you get an opportunity you absolutely need to join the Carnival crew on a European cruise. We cruised the Freedom a few years back and then last year cruised the Magic. Both were unbelievable. I am sure we will do it again. Booked on the Breeze out of Miami, cant wait.


Copyright 2017 John Heald. All Rights Reserved