URINE LIVE TV

November 30, 2012 -

John Heald

During the CD conference last week on Carnival Breeze we spoke about our commitment to help raise money for St Jude Children’s Research Hospital and their continuing fight to find a cure for childhood cancer. Our objective is to raise $3 million and thanks to you we are well on our way to reaching that goal.

The Groove For St. Jude event is going to be revitalised thanks to some brilliant ideas from the cruise directors and I will be more specific about how this will work in the weeks ahead but look out for news on this at the start of January 2013. There were many great ideas from the CDs and some not so great ideas including one that only I seemed to want to reject. Yep, I was the only negative voice in a sea of positives and while I would do almost anything to help this brilliant organisation there is one thing I will not do……nope………I won’t do what one of the metrosexual, good looking, thin, well groomed bastard of a cruise director suggested……. and that’s a calendar of the cruise directors in different “poses.” (more…)

KIDS IN THE FROG

November 28, 2012 -

John Heald

It’s strange to think that I won’t be a cruise director for a few months after spending seven months in the chair on the Carnival Breeze. I won’t be the CD for BC6, although I will be hosting a Marriage Show and Calvyn and I will host live morning shows for the audience to enjoy. It never gets easier being an older cruise director and especially during the conference last week when I was surrounded by youth and vitality and more hair product than a sodding beauty salon …………..and that’s just the male CDs. (more…)

A STAIN ON OUR RELATIONSHIP

November 26, 2012 -

John Heald

I had originally written the start of today’s blog yesterday. It was a piece about my thoughts on how some of the cruise directors I had spent the last few days and how they dressed, spoke and groomed their dangly bits with scissors and weed whackers and how that made me feel old. But after my experience this morning I decided to press delete on that and tell you about something else that happened to me. As you know, been travelling between Antigua and Miami and then Miami back to the Carnival Breeze and then back here to my room at the Interhyattarriot. During this time, I have worn my beloved blue blazer and my grey dress pants which after examination yesterday, I realised needed a serious bit of dry cleaning especially as I had spilled some fried onion that had dropped out of my sensational SeaDogs hot dog and onto my crotch.

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TWO BIG GUYS IN A COMPACT AND ONE GUY IN THE NEWS

November 19, 2012 -

John Heald

A compact car……a sodding compact car. Are you kidding me? My fat, flaccid arse, Calvyn’s huge oil rig thighs and three suitcases……in a Ford Focus. Oh, FFS. “So upgrade,” I hear you all cry. Ummmmm……….I can’t. It’s strict company policy that no upgrades are allowed and if I did ignore this policy, the lady in charge of the entire company’s travel and expenses credit card bills would not be happy. The lady in question is De and she is the most wonderful lady and has been with us for many many years and we all love her. In fact I think I am right in saying that she has been with the company as long as anyone and is an icon at Carnival HQ. But we live in fear of her because if we lose a receipt, upgrade or do anything that is not in the company guidelines she will be very cross indeed.

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Two Letters

November 14, 2012 -

John Heald

Five straight sea days and meetings with frumpy guests and hosting loads of shows and activities and meeting guests, so many guests who are having the time of their lives is both rewarding but ………….sodding exhausting, as well. Usually a cruise will have one or maybe two sea days and then a port here we have five straight sea days and my job is to pack as much in as I can to those five sea days and be visible as much as possible and that’s what I am doing. There are sacrifices with this such as now because as I sit here in my underpants writing this blog the clock says it’s 6:43 am and I long to return to my bed and to return to the dream I was having about me, a naked Latvian supermodel and Calvyn dressed as a French maid.

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A SEE DAY

November 12, 2012 -

John Heald

There is a young lady who works here on the Carnival Breeze as an entertainment staff member and her name is Stephanie Erb. In an ideal world, Stephanie would have everyone singing their hearts out and she is doing this by forming from amongst the guests something called a Glee Choir. When Stephanie first approached me with this idea, I was a little skeptical but straight away it is obvious that this was a brilliant idea.

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STEAK STORIES MIXED WITH SOME SUNSHINE

November 9, 2012 -

John Heald

So far, touch wood, things are going well here on Carnival Breeze. Today we are in Malaga, Spain and the weather is a bit cloudy and there have been a passing shower or two but overall the cruise is going well. However, as I have said before here on the blog, trans-Atlantic cruises tend to include a few guests who by tradition will be a bit grumpy and who will find things wrong because for them, finding things that are wrong is their favourite activity on board. It is important to note that they are the minority and 98 percent of the guests will have a brilliant time. I should add the price of a 16-day cruise is brilliant value for money, with wonderful food, entertainment and activities all included in the price. Anyway, let me give you an example of what I mean about being grumpy, have a read of this.

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TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY

November 7, 2012 -

John Heald

I have been travelling a lot these past two weeks and will be doing so again and, of course, that means more flights but equally as annoying, more hotels. I have stayed in many different hotels during my job as brand ambassador and though they may all have different names, they are all exactly the sodding same. Now, everyone knows that one of the worst parts of a cruise is getting off the ship. Not just the feeling that the fun is over and that it’s time to go back to work, school or watching Judge Judy for fun but because we have to ask that everyone leaves pretty much at the same time because in just a couple of hours’ time, 3,000 more happy guests will be coming on board ready for their slice of Carnival fun to start. And during those couple of hours, the brilliant and extraordinary state room stewards have to get 20-plus staterooms ready and clean which they do of course and now with Faster to the Fun on some ships, the pressure on them to get the state rooms cleaned is even greater.

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It’s great to be back with a blog today after a couple of weeks away and it will come as no surprise that I will start today by talking about toilets…….actually, it’s not me talking about toilets it’s a lady called Sarah.

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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.