November 19, 2012 -

John Heald

A compact car……a sodding compact car. Are you kidding me? My fat, flaccid arse, Calvyn’s huge oil rig thighs and three suitcases……in a Ford Focus. Oh, FFS. “So upgrade,” I hear you all cry. Ummmmm……….I can’t. It’s strict company policy that no upgrades are allowed and if I did ignore this policy, the lady in charge of the entire company’s travel and expenses credit card bills would not be happy. The lady in question is De and she is the most wonderful lady and has been with us for many many years and we all love her. In fact I think I am right in saying that she has been with the company as long as anyone and is an icon at Carnival HQ. But we live in fear of her because if we lose a receipt, upgrade or do anything that is not in the company guidelines she will be very cross indeed.

Our President Gerry Cahill once lost a receipt for a business lunch and De took away his company credit card for a week and, as extra punishment, made him stand in the parking lot at Miami HQ for three hours, in the hot sun, wearing only his underpants, holding a sign that said “I must not lose a receipt ever again.” Then there is the mysterious story of a lady who worked for Carnival for some years. She apparently decided to upgrade her car rental and she also added a GPS and the fuel option! She had worked for Carnival for some years but mysteriously soon after she upgraded she mysteriously disappeared. We were told that she had left the company and had become a nun but we all knew what had happened. She had broken De’s laws and was probably either in a Gulag in Siberia or was swimming with the fishes.

So not wanting to be whacked by De Soprano I didn’t upgrade and that was me, having to drive with my knees wedged into the dashboard and my face pressed up to the windscreen as though I wanted to lick it clean with my tongue. I then had to drive through hell….. or 836 West as it’s known in Miami. You know, life is indeed full of frightening things and along with seeing myself naked in the mirror and seeing your wife reading Lorena Bobbitt’s life story, driving in Miami is as frightening as it gets. Now we Brits have this image of the average American driver. They are wearing cowboy hats and boots and drive cars the size of a small African country. This is based on TV programs we all watched as kids. The one I will always remember watching is Cannon where the man mountain who played this TV detective had a car longer than a Fantasy-class ship.

This image does not apply however to 836 West which is the road I have to take to get from my hotel to Miami HQ where the CD conference will be taking place. On this highway to hell, the amicable driver in the cowboy hat turns into a machine gun-wielding maniac. This is mostly applicable when you try and turn off 836 West when your exit suddenly appears. In the UK we are overly efficient and signs will tell you your exit is 88 miles ahead and on 836 West the sign for 87th Avenue which is the exit for Miami HQ tells you, “Turn now you f****g idiot, it’s here you blind limey bastard.” Now, God forbid that you are in the wrong lane and you indicate to move over because the man or woman that is gripping the steering wheel with its claws will not slow down and will not let you in. If you dare try and move over regardless, you will be treated to a symphony of horn blowing and a varied number of hand gestures some of which to this day I do not understand because for the most part the hand gestures are in Spanish.

OK, time for some Q&A and then I will pop up to see the lovely De Soprano and lavish her with chocolate cake and ships on sticks and a Carnival Breeze T-Shirt and try to get her to authorise a slightly bigger car for me because, honestly, when people drive next to Calvyn and I in a Ford Focus they look, point and laugh. Oh, joy. If she says, “no,” I may take the chance and do it anyway and if you never hear from me again, you know that I have been whacked and am buried in her garden being pooed on by her cats.

Here are today’s questions.

Elizabeth Gardener asked:

This is a table for two request for the cruise coming which will be my platinum cruise. It is unfair that because I do not have a Facebook page account that this request may go unread and even though I am a VIP, I won’t get the service I deserve from you. The customers who write on your blog should be given as much instant response as the customers who write on Facebook and that this does not happen is unfair and unjust. I am cruising with my partner on the Carnival Dream 12/22.

John says:
Hello Elizabeth Gardener,

I apologise for not answering until now but I am glad I found this question before you sail in a months’ time. I will ask the maître d to assist with your table request and I wish you both a wonderful cruise and a big thank you for your loyalty.

Best wishes.


Wayne Crossman asked:

My DW and I just returned from our 30th anniversary cruise on the Carnival Miracle. We both walked away with a feeling of good, not great. Nothing that would make us storm away from Carnival, but nothing to make us chose Carnival over others. I’ve logged my thoughts and concerns to guest services. Today, I received two responses — one addressing my concerns and another that starts out just like the first one but then starts addressing something that doesn’t sound familiar. The second one starts with “Mr. Crossman” but after the boilerplate sections. addresses me as “Mrs. Peters.” Now, unless I had some radical surgery in the midst of the email (which I think I would have remembered), this was a good example of what’s happening. To answer the obvious question, Mrs. Peters is not my wife. I won’t bore you with details, nor do I want to get anyone in trouble. If you’re interested enough in my thoughts, the emails were both titled POCM-SS-MI-10102012-1 CARNIVAL MIRACLE 09/11/2012. If you’re interested, I’m sure you’ll be able to pull something out of your bag of tricks and find my original submission of comments.

One item I didn’t mention to guest services was my nightmare of finding the cab stand after the cruise. I was given bad information by a worker in the terminal which snowballed into a panic attack (from Mrs. Crossman, not Mrs. Peters). When I emailed the Manhattan Cruise Terminal, they said they were your employees. The answer to my question, “Are the taxis right here or downstairs?” I was told, “Right here downstairs.” I know you field a lot of complaints and, hopefully, as many compliments. Like I said, Carnival would still be one of our choices. We’re trying to figure out if we should take our two cruises to slide into Platinum status before the grandfathering period ends. I know we’re only Gold shareholders, but I do thank you for being a great brand ambassador.

Thank you,

Wayne Crossman (aka, Mrs. Peters)

John says:
Hello Wayne Crossman,

Firstly and most obviously I need to apologise for the glaring mistake of addressing our reply to you using completely the wrong name. I am glad to see you had a good time but, obviously, we need to investigate what your concerns were and work hard to fix them. I have asked a colleague to look into your comments and make sure they are addressed to you this time using the correct name. Thanks then for taking the time to write and I will as I said make sure we look carefully at your concerns. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have anything you need.

Best wishes.


Alann Benteke asked:

Having recently cruised on the Carnival Fantasy I must tell you how impressed I was with our cabin steward, Clifton. On formal night my wife was crying because she lost an earring that her sister had given her for a wedding gift. She searched high and low for it bit it was not to be found. On the way out to dinner, she mentioned it casually to Clifton and when we got back to the cabin there it was with a note from Clifton saying he had found it under the bed. This really made my wife so happy as you see her sister passed away from cancer just six months before the cruise and obviously the earring had huge sentimental value and I wanted you to know what a wonderful employee Carnival has in Clifton the cabin steward for U77.

John says:
Hello Alann Benteke,

This was a joy to read but let me start by sending you and your wife and family my sympathies at your loss and I can understand, of course, why that earring had such sentimental value. I will make sure Clifton and his supervisors read your wonderful words of praise and I know Clifton will be proud to see his name in writing here. I hope we see you both again very soon.

Best wishes.


Mary Mason asked:


Regarding the table numbering request from a post back in August: My husband and I sailed on Carnival Victory last week. Numbering the dining table is already being utilized and we absolutely appreciated this! While this was my husband’s second cruise with Carnival and my third, we had the most spectacular time. It’s by my own fault it will now take me a week to recover! 😀 Wishing we could join you for the Bloggers Cruise!!!


John says:
Hello Mary Mason,

I am glad you found the table numbering easy and I am so happy to know you had fun. I hope we will see you again soon and we will miss you both on BC6. If there is anything I can do for you please let me know.

Best wishes.


Kurt Muller asked:

I am from Germany. If I cruise with ou Carnival will you have German people to help me understand what we ask and want?

John says:
Hello Kurt Muller,

Yes indeed we do. Each ship has a German-speaking guest services associate who will be on hand to answer every question you have. We also have the menus in German for you. I hope we do see you on one of our ships soon and if I can help please let me know.

Best wishes.


Michael Fern asked:

Mr. fat cruise director. How come when you book a suite with Carnival that compared to other cruise lines who give you free dinners in specialty restaurants and even butler service with Carnival you get nothing. Sucks to be you!

John says:
Hello Michael Fern,

I do know that we allow our guests that book suites to have priority boarding and priority debark and that the rooms themselves are spacious and make wonderful places from which to call home during the cruise. I can’t say for sure but I would guess the prices of our suites compared to lines that offer butler service would be different, as well, of course. I hope you get to enjoy a cruise with us in a suite very soon and my apologies for being fat.

Best wishes.


Lynn Bryant asked:

We were on a Carnival cruise in 2010 on the Carnival Liberty, Todd was the cruise director, and is it true that he will be the cruise director on our cruise this November on Carnival Dream?, I digress, In the lobby bar every evening, their a duo team, she sang and he played the piano, I cannot for the life of me remember the name of the talent, can you find out the name of the group, the woman, had a fabulous voice, that rang out all over the ship when she sang, and she sang a wide variety of songs. I pray they are, many people are asking.

Thank you.

Lynn Bryant

John says:
Hello Lynn Bryant,

Todd is currently on a leave of absence and your CD will be Jaime Dee who I know you will enjoy. The duo you are referring to are called White Mouse and are indeed fantastic. They will be back with us in the New Year on Carnival Magic. Please have a wonderful cruise and let me know if I can help with anything.

Best wishes.


The McDermotts asked:

We will be on the Breeze cruise of 11/24/12 and are a family of 4 staying in 7423 and 7437. Can you hook us up with a table for 4? We are devout Christians, Mr. Heald, and always say grace and prayers before supper and find that when we do other passengers at the table pour scorn on us. Please then can you arrange a table for the four of us? It would be nice if more of your passengers would give thanks out loud before eating and they can start by using this simple prayer

Matthew 6:9-13 after this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever. Amen. Thank you and God bless you.
Kevin, Valerie, Matthew and Simon McDermott

John says:
Hello Mcdermott Family,

I have asked the ship to assist you with your table request and I am sure we will be able to help you. Thanks for the kind words and I wish you all a wonderful cruise.

Best wishes.


Steve Owen asked:

Just wanted to send a note concerning our recent cruise aboard the Carnival Dream. We were on the 9/22/12 cruise, which was the first cruise since the Carnival 2.0 upgrades to the Carnival Dream. We loved the changes and had an incredible time, while we celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary. We were thrilled to receive the bottle of champagne (which was received from Steve, our cruise director), an amazing and unexpected touch! We absolutely loved the steakhouse and dined on two separate evenings there. Please allow me to recognize the amazing experience that Ekatrina, our hostess from the Scarlett dining room provided to our party. One of the members of our party, my sister in law, has very special diet needs, each and every day Ekatrina made certain that the chef prepared her meals in a special manner to enable her to enjoy the dinners as much as the rest of us. She even made certain that the meals we enjoyed at the steakhouse were also prepared specially for her. We have never experienced a more caring and professional approach that we received from Ekatrina. If you can please forward this note to her detailing how much we appreciated her devotion to making our cruise spectacular. With exceptional service like this we will continue to be lifelong Carnival loyalists.

John says:
Hello Steve Owen,

As always it is so wonderful to read your review and I was so happy to see that you enjoyed the upgrades on Carnival Dream. All the crew you mentioned will also be very happy to see their names here and to see how much you enjoyed their wonderful service. So thanks to you and thank you for your loyalty and long may that continue.

Best wishes.


Elaine Davis asked:

My family and I were on the Carnival Freedom leaving out of Fort Lauderdale August 19, 2012. My husband left $438 inside our cabin on debarkment day. We just took a chance and filled a case with missing property. Low and behold, we received a check for $438 in the mail a month later. Carnival’s crew is really a class act and we really appreciate their honesty and integrity. I also wrote about this on the Cruise Critic board and will spread our happy story all around. Wish I knew which steward turned the money in so I can write a personalized letter commending him or her.

John says:
Hello Elaine Davis,

Yipeeeeeeeeee. Sorry, just felt like shouting that out loud. Thanks for taking the time to write and even though we don’t know here who found it the ship, I will make sure they see this post from you and your thanks. I am so happy this had a happy ending.

Best wishes.


Marie Wolff asked:

Me, my DH Bob, and, two of our friends are sailing on the Carnival Breeze on BC6. We are looking to do the Deluxe Lobster and Champagne cruise in Antigua. As I have breathing difficulties and cannot do much climbing or long distance walking, and, my friend has arthritis and has pain walking, I would like to know if the catamaran will stop at a dock for us to disembark, or, if not, can we stay on the boat? I hope we will be able to do this excursion as it looks wonderful. Thank you for your attention to this matter and for all you do for your cruising friends.


John says:
Hello Marie Wolff,

I was just there a few days ago and even spoke about this tour during my Fun Ashore talk. The answer is yes, you will be fine and the shore excursion manager says you should have no concerns. The tour sold out here quickly and from the description, I am not surprised. I hope you have a wonderful time and I will see you on BC6.

Best wishes.


That’s all for today and thanks to everyone for their comments and questions.

So here I am back in Miami again after what I think was the best crossing I can remember for a long time. Yes there were some miserable people and, boringly, I will say again that there always are on a trans-Atlantic because it’s the law. I have shared with you some of the stories here and on my Facebook page and the last one of the grumps I dealt with was on Saturday, the day I left.

That morning I sat with Ana, the guest services manager, and listened to a chap tell me how NCL was better than us. Everything was better there, the food, the service, the passengers, the ship, the shower curtain, the duvets, the toilet paper, the entertainment, etc., etc., were all better on NCL.

He had demanded this meeting and we obliged him and I have to be honest that in the 45 minutes we were with him in Ana’s office he talked for 42 minutes of that time. And he talked in such a condescending voice only stopping to look down at some notes he had made listing why we were crap and NCL was not. And then the punch line because he then, out of nowhere, said that because of our inferiority that we owed him a 50 percent refund of his cruise. And I should say before I forget that while we listened and respected his views and even agreed that we needed to look at the volume of the shows and on Lido Deck (I wrote about that on Facebook last week) we did not give him a 50 percent refund or anything else for that matter.

He then told me how the cruise director on NCL’s Epic was the best and how, “I could learn a lot from him.” As he said this, he looked at me as if he expected me to thank him for this and shake his hand for telling me I was a terrible CD and that the chap on NCL was so much better than I was. Now he may be but did he really expect me to thank him for telling me I was not a good cruise director. Yep, I was grateful in the same way that a turkey is likely to give you a high five the day before Thanksgiving.

But Mr. Epic, along with a few others, was the minority and this crossing had sunshine and calm seas. We had great entertainment and Calvyn and I had so much fun at the seven morning shows we hosted which by the third show had a live audience who came to see it. The crew of the Carnival Breeze were outstanding and now have a busy few days ahead as they get ready for US Coast Guard, a full immigration check, VIP parties and, of course, the first group of cruises from Miami. I want to thank the crew most of whom have been here for the European season and did a brilliant job and I have no apprehension in saying that this ship will soon be number one in the fleet because of the crew and because she is simply our best ship yet and on six- and eight-day Caribbean cruises, I have no doubt she will be at the number one position.

So what about me, what am I up to? Well, tomorrow we start the cruise director conference and here is who is attending, have a look at the names and see how you have cruised with.

  • Barnes, Risa
  • Baxter, Jen
  • Bird, Karl
  • Boennighausen, Kirk Benning
  • Brierley, Gary
  • Burn, Malcolm
  • Calabrese, Brad
  • Cassel, Steve
  • Charlton, James
  • Deitsch, Jaime
  • Dunn, James
  • Heald, John
  • Knisley, Steve
  • Lee, Willie
  • Loyer , Brent Mitchell
  • Lyons, Skip
  • Mayes, Jeremy
  • Neumann, Goose
  • Noonan, Kevin
  • Roberts, Chris
  • Santley, Paul
  • Serrina Do Couto, Felipe
  • Valente, Ralph
  • Linton, Troy

Stuart Dunn is in Australia, Todd Wittmer is on leave and Josh Big Sexy is on Carnival Glory’s first cruises since dry dock. During the conference which by the way moves to the Carnival Breeze on the 21st, the acting CD’s and the ACD’s will have their chance to shine and I wish them all the best of luck. I will have live Facebook updates on what we are all talking about so hope you will have time to stop by.

On Wednesday, I will be hosting something ummmmm………………huge. More on that later.

This is one huge turkey and I will have photos of it later this week. Sounds like this is going to be a fun event and of course it is all for a wonderful cause.

For those of you by the way who are sailing on the two-day cruise please make sure you come and say hello. I will be in the conference for some of the time but stop by the Limelight Lounge on embarkation day between 2:30pm and 3:30pm and we can say hello and take a photo together and I wish you all a wonderful time.

So it appears that our beloved Guy Fieri’s new restaurant in New York has been in the news because a food critic from the New York Times. Now I haven’t been there, of course, so I can’t really comment on Guy’s restaurant but what I do know is that his burgers on board our ships are simply historic and very, very popular with our guests – like upwards of 1,200 burgers a day! I was never a huge fan of burgers you know, especially fast food operators like McDonald’s. OK, I know for some I am treading on hallowed ground here by daring to say anything bad about Ronald and his golden arch but I can’t help myself. I eat them very rarely and although my huge rotund stomach may suggest otherwise, there are many other things I would prefer to put in my mouth before a McDonald’s burger. I know I’m in the minority here know that because for many of you reading this a Big Mac and fries is as comforting as a hug from your mother, and as tasty as Megan Fox in stockings and suspenders. But given a choice between a Guy Fieri burger and a Big Mac, I know what I would have.

And it is obvious that our guests agree, thousands of them in fact. I watch our crew serve glistening burgers and Guy’s signature onion rings to our guests and the look of anticipation is a joy to see and the look of total utter joy as they take that first bite is even more so. I spoke to a guest here on the Carnival Breeze about it. He is a Diamond guest and someone in his early seventies and he told me how fantastic the Guy’s burgers are. He said it took him back to the 1950s and his memories of the burgers he would eat then. I have no idea what Guy puts in his recipe as I know bugger all about food but his burgers hit the spot, and if you put his special sauces on the burger it hits your shirt, then your pants and then drips onto your shoes. Brilliant! So to Mr. New York Times food critic, I want to say this. The Guy Fieri burger holds pride of place in my mind as the best hamburger I have ever eaten by a landslide, a simple but delicious one of a kind patty that is the best thing I have ever put in my mouth and yesterday many on Facebook agreed. Why then are Guy’s burgers so popular? Well I think the simple answer is that it gives our guests exactly what they want, the best burger in the world. The end.

And one last thing about my car hire experience and that is we are strictly not allowed to rent a GPS unit and this means if Calvyn and I get lost, which we will we will have to ask for directions. Asking for directions is something that as a man I hate to do. Having to stop the car and ask someone implies that they are smarter than me which of course they are not because I am in my nice air conditioned car while they are enduring 88 degrees of heat. However, there have been times when I have to swallow my immense pride and ask someone for help. And in Miami where some of the roads and highways and one way systems seem to have been designed by a 12-year-old, I have to ask for directions a lot.

Over the years, I have made up my own set of rules for this, if you ask where somewhere is to a member of the carless society….. Or in Miami the Car-los ….. society…Get it? Car-los…..ha ha ha ha……and they start with the word “err”……….bugger off immediately ……..just drive away……because they don’t know and if you listen to them past the word “err” you will spend the next five hours driving around in circles ending up in some shanty town where you will be attacked by the local gang for driving through their turf.

The problem is that if you do find someone who does indeed know where you need to go and starts describing the route you are still buggered. This is because it is (as Heidi will tell you) a medically proven fact that when asking for directions, men cannot hear anything past….“you turn left at the McDonald’s” and then our brain just shuts down …… we can’t take in the information because we are thick and too proud to admit that we had to ask some carless person where to go.

One of the reasons that the Germans never invaded the UK was not just the brave allied troops but because the German troops got lost. They invaded Paris and then said ”Wo is ze England” …….”Ich bin losten”……..they couldn’t ask the French because they, of course, were all hiding.

And the biggest problem is, of course, when Calvyn and I drive up in our compact car with our faces shoved against the window and our thighs stuck together through super glue fat sweat, anyone we ask for directions will be too busy laughing their arses off to give us directions.

I will be back tomorrow, live, from the cruise director’s conference


Your friend,


Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.


  1. Debra G says:

    Hi John! Just a couple more days before our little 2-day cruise on the Breeze! I don’t have anything witty to say or any special (or unspecial) request. I just want to meet you and say hello! You won’t be able to miss us. My husband is exceptionally tall. We’ll look for you! Can’t wait to meet you!

  2. T says:

    Is there any way to find out the nationalities of a crew before cruise. I ask for no other reason than curiosity.

    I’ve always wanted a young british or australian butler

  3. Denise says:

    Love reading your blogs John. I was really looking forward to meeting you on the 24th sailing. I am sure we will have a wonderful time regardless. I have to say that the post from Michael Fern really bothered me and I am so sick of the lack of respect. It seems these days the more you offer the more people try to take advantage.

  4. Tristis says:

    @Elizabeth Gardener: Speaking for the other passengers on your cruise, I sure hope John is able to help you with that table for two request!

    @Michael Fern: Feel free to book a cruise with any other cruise line you wish, but if you choose Carnival again I hope John is able to help YOU with a table for two request as well!

  5. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    Please say hi to these wonderful Cruise Directors (and two that were ACD) we have had the privilege of cruising with.

    We are looking forward to Nov 22nd!

    Barnes, Risa
    Baxter, Jen
    Brierley, Gary
    Burn, Malcolm
    Calabrese, Brad
    Cassel, Steve
    Charlton, James
    Deitsch, Jaime
    Heald, John
    Knisley, Steve
    Loyer , Brent Mitchell
    Mayes, Jeremy
    Neumann, Goose
    Noonan, Kevin
    Roberts, Chris
    Santley, Paul
    Serrina Do Couto, Felipe

    Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)

  6. Lisa Piratzky says:


    We’d like to see a picture with you and all The Beards while you are at the conference. Also, I did not see Matt Mitcham on the list? Is he in hiding? LOL

  7. Barb says:

    We had a wonderful cruise on the Liberty in October to the Eastern Caribbean and we had looked forward to eating some Guy’s Burgers. However, my 22 year old son (who does have stomach issues) ate a Guy’s burger the first day and it was much too rich/fatty for him. He could hardly eat any dinner that night. So, for some, they might be great, but we stayed away from them after his experience.

    Otherwise, we had a blast. Our room steward Ketut was terrific, as were our wait team Song, Aldreen and Made. Absolutely Brilliant, as you brits would say!!

  8. John and Susan says:

    John….I’ve been on the EPIC and I know it is not nice to speak of other lines however, that ship looks like it was designed by someone on acid. Besides that,Susan and I found our cabin to have a carpet that looked as though someone had drip dried all over it. We asked others with us about their staterooms and they said the same. The stateroom layout was awful to say the least. Somehow, I didn’t think to ask for a 50% discount. As for the guy who opened his comments with “Mr. Fat Cruise Director”, HEY BUDDY GROW UP! He is just another internet brave guy hidden behind a keyboard.
    You know me John, when I don’t like something Carnival does I say so. But, I never do it out of spite or to personally insult someone. I know you can’t tell him so I will….Mr. Fern….BUGGER OFF!

    John & Susan from Frisco, Tx

  9. Steve O says:

    Dear John,

    I was SURPRISED to see “my” review (Steve Owen). Guess I thought I was the ONLY guy with that name 🙂 I read along thinking I bet John is SHOCKED that I’ve actually been married for 30 years, yet I’ve never brought her along on a cruise. I was happy to see that we had a good trip.

    Your old buddy,
    Steve Owen (aka Steve O)

  10. Benjamin Buczynsky says:

    Hello John,
    I love your blog and look forward to your posts about Calvyn, underpants, and all things Carnival! I have a special request,
    I am sailing on the Carnival Paradise on 11/22 and am sailing with my cousins. We have always eaten thanksgiving dinner together but my cousins are booked for the late seating and we are booked for the early seating. They called Carnival and tried to switch to early seating but the agent on the phone said that there was nothing she could do about it. I was wondering if you could change my cousins who have the same last name as me to the early seating? That would be great! And if you could tell Brittany the ACD on the Carnival Dream that Ben says hi that would also be fantastic! Thanks!

  11. Tom Cantele says:

    Big John, Kathy and I are going on the Dream on 12-22 12. I have a pic of you and I am sure it will also enjoy the cruise. Happy Holidays

  12. Linda C says:

    To the McDermotts:

    Shame on you. You are Christians – you should be happy to sit in the midst of non-Christians and let the light of love emanate. We sit at tables with non-christians every cruise. They have been happy to join in with our blessing the meal. We should live the life, not look down on others who are not “there yet.” WWJD?

    • DMI says:

      I’m sure the original poster meant no harm and I can see their point. To belittle them for their sincere beliefs is a little harsh. Surely we can all get along with our beliefs without comment.

    • Dave says:

      I had a couple like that at my table after they said their prayer i asked if i could do my hebrew prayer i said it in hebrew then translated it for them everybody was fine with it

  13. Shelley D'Anjou says:

    I just want to say Thank you for being you!! I had a very crazy day and it’s nice to sit down and have a great laugh!! I am picturing you in the focus…it’s quite the picture!!

    Thanks again!
    Shelley D’Anjou

    • Sharon says:

      Hi John,
      I cant believe that some people are so rude and uncaring as to call you names…..After 38 cruises you are the only CD that I can truly say I would pick a sailing for no other reason than to sail with you.
      Reading your blog always makes me smile, you are an amazing individual.
      Live a little and upgrade the car….one life LOL

  14. GarettsNana says:

    Getting lost while trying to return a rental car at 2:30 am in Miami convinced me a GPS was a life saving purchase. The area where the rental car lots in Miami are located is absolutely terrifying, even in daylight. Downtown Miami at night is not any better.

    Suggest you buy your own GPS so you don’t have to depend on Calvin to navigate for you.

  15. Doug S says:

    Hi John,
    It was great seeing you on the Carnival Breeze during the trans Atlantic. We only have 2 more days before we must disembark. It has been a terrific cruise. Thank you for helping us with our reservations for the chef’s table. A real wonderful experience. Thank you also for the anniversary gift you sent us. The Carnival Breeze is going to be a very popular addition to the fleet.

    And the Guy’s Burgers are good. In fact, I’ll have one for lunch tomorrow to tide me over until my next Carnival cruise!

    Doug and Kay

    ps Butch is doing a good job since you left.

  16. Ralph says:

    Elizabeth Gardener and Michael Fern,

    Your lack of manners…….is only exceeded by your arrogant attitudes! Are you related to each other????

  17. Sarah S says:

    I love your stories John, and your story today about being in the little ford focus reminded me of the movie “Just Married”. It is about a couple of Americans who go to Europe on their honeymoon and get stuck with – not a compact, but a European Compact – far more tinier! Reading through your story of you and Calvin squished up together it was not hard to picture if you have seen that movie!

  18. Hey John –
    Could you settle an argument I’m having with my wife? I claim that Carnival Bars are all closed from 4am to 8am. She claims they never close. Who is right?

    Jerald Pendleton

  19. Eileene says:

    John, your compact car dilemma is both funny & sad. My company is strict in its travel policies, but they are also sensible. If you cram two large (tall OR heavy) men in a compact car, you’re inviting serious injuries in case of a wreck. That means higher insurance costs, which the company pays. So Carnival’s not being logical, here – maybe De could understand that. As a travel planner for my group, I make sure the big guys get a car that better fits them… that way, there’s no need for an upgrade. Problem solved!! 😀

    Excited to hear what comes out of the CD Conference, and I think it’s a brilliant idea to have it. I’ll be watching this space and Facebook!

  20. Elliott says:

    Darn it, Have to get off the Carnival Breeze tomorrow morning. Wish that I had brought my Carnival Picnic Basket with me to pack in a dozen of Guy’s Burgers to take home. Those are the best Burgers ever!!! Had a most enjoyable Transatlantic cruise, will enjoy the Ports Of Call DVD when I get home…

  21. Mike says:

    Now I’m a little upset that I have to wait till Jan to try Guy’s burgers and onion rings. I’m very much looking forward to it. Apparently NY times fellow was looking for attention and is getting a lot of it.

    As far is McD’s is concerned I find the product in the US to be much worse than the Canadian product; I really find that every time I’ve had in US to be of poor quality so I can understand why you wouldn’t like it. Of course comparing a Guy burger to McD’s is like comparing a Focus to a Rolls Royce. It gets the tummy filled, but not in a high quality or luxury way.

    I’ve notice a lot of other fast food joints stepping up the game here in Canada to offer a higher quality product over a fast throw it into the bag way; I have a feeling we can thank Guy and other similar burger joints for this shift towards quality and now Carnival also.

    Haters will hate; Carnival offers a great product and value. Keep up the good work.

  22. John Nagle says:

    My wife and I were surprised when you and Calvyn left the Breeze in Antigua. I wished I could have had a cigar with you during one of your “Under The Stars” evening.. We ae having a great time and it was a pleasure meeting you, we enjoyed the champagne you sent this morons on our last day before Miami. I will hold you to that Montecristo you promised me!
    John and Debbie

  23. Pat and Dennis Murphy says:

    We have sailed with you and Calvyn twice, on the Magic and the Breeze, much to our delight. Wish we could get the “Morning Show” online back here in the states. It is quite hilarious and very entertaining. And for some reason, “Guy’s Burgers” was our favorite eating place on the Breeze last July..don’t know why the burgers are so delicious, but they are indeed. We will miss you while sailing on “The Pride” over New Year’s, but wish you and the family the happiest of holidays.

  24. Barb says:

    John, perhaps Carnival will switch to a car rental company that gives free upgrades. We have rented from National and Alamo many, many times and we always get a free upgrade. then De would not be able to complain and you and Calvyn would be more comfortable. Also, buy your own GPS … they are pretty cheap.

  25. candace says:

    I did a 23 hour road trip to Galveston with three teenagers, me and my hubby in a toyota tacoma to come and see you on the magic last february…talk about tight! But it was worth it every bemoan, every stinky foot in my face, every hold on to the “oh sh*t” handle when teenagers drove…nasty mcdonalds, even worse subway..and then heaven on earth on the magic! Loved every minute, well except Jamaica, but nothing you can do about that. Really do appreciate what you guys and gals do to keep us entertained to the max on cruises! Thank you!

  26. Craig "Bigdog"Johnston says:

    It’s our last sea day here on the Breeze and I just wanted to tell you how much of a pleasure it was to meet you and Calvyn. I am aware now more than ever just how difficult your jobs are. Sometimes I simply can’t believe what comes out of some of the passenger’s mouths?!?
    To put it bluntly, you have to put up with some really “Special” people and for that alone you earn your pay.
    Thanks again for making my announcement during your morning show….my life really does continue to be better because my wife does NOT listen to me. 🙂
    Just one more little tidbit for you to make you laugh. Someone onboard started a rumor that you we in trouble because of the morning show and that you had been ordered off the boat by the Beards….lol. I think it might have been 6’3″……she did have a Cheshire cat grin on last night.


  27. Nancy Houchens says:

    John (and Calvyn),
    We were disappointed that you had to leave the Breeze and really missed The Morning Show the last 2 sea days. Thanks for all of the laughs the two of you gave us on this great TA cruise. While you are at the CD conference, see if you can get more of the CD’s to do TOGA parties. I think the last one we did was on the Liberty about 3 years ago – what a blast! I don’t think there is any chance of bringing back the Fairy Tale or Men’s nightgown contest, is there? Ahh – those were the days!

    The Breeze is spectacular and like on all of Carnival’s ships on which we have sailed (this was my 25th) the crew was outstanding. I would like to mention that Jose (our room steward-10268) and his helpers were absolutely phenomenal.

    Robert & Nancy Houchens

  28. Paul Salata says:

    John, why not get your own GPS unit which you can carry from car to car. You can down load maps to it for a particular destination, you will be visiting.


  29. William Heck says:

    Dear John:

    You are sure a gem. Fantastic blog.

    There is a thingy under the seat that will let you slide the seat back so you can let your nose recover from being mashed against the windshield.

    I drove the Miami maze recently and went past Carnival HQ. Didn’t really intend to, but Siri was in a foul mood and took pride in running me in circles. Did you know that the Hampton Inn in Doral has a street address that matches three other places? Twice Siri said, “arriving at your destination on the right” one was a house, and the other I forget what it was.

    Guy’s burgers are really good.

  30. Bob Baughan says:

    John I have looked everywhere and cannot find out why the Dream did not get a Guy’s Burgers. If anyone else knows please feel free to tell me. Your blog cracks me up everytime I read it. Keep up the good work.

  31. Jackie Trepanier says:

    Hi John,
    We just got off the Breeze on the TA. Have to say, the staff on the Breeze was the most friendly and professional of any Carnival ship that we’ve been on (16 total). It was a wonderful cruise and we enjoyed every minute of it! Loved your morning shows as well! Thanks so much!

    • Sue says:

      Our family of 2 or 5 (depending on who goes with us) always says a prayer before eating and have never had problems. Sometimes it is a conversation starter.

    • Bob says:

      Just got off the Valor and had a brilliant time.

      Hope whatever techie researches the Crossman/Peters issue also contact poor Mrs. Peters. She must be thinking the Carnival did not care about her problem.

  32. Michael says:

    love the German… ”Ich bin losten”
    It’s hard to believe they wouldn’t pay for GPS, but maybe they expect you to have it on your phone?

  33. Personal for JH from Michael Brewer says:

    Hi John. You said let you know when we cruised on Carnival again. December 2 on the Conquest. One week from today!

  34. Heather McCall Caballero says:

    John – Hope you get this before cruise is over. We are aboard Breeze Nov 24 sailing and Mariana (the 5 yr old) received her Platinum card. She was looking all around cabin booking 677tg1 to see if by any miracle she and her brother, also Platinum received a little gift like a trophy or something. If you get this message prior to disembark, we would appreciate a trophy or trinket to recognize her Platinum status! If not, she is having fun aboard regardless. Take care – disappointed you were unable to sail. Maybe next time

  35. Steve Janzen says:

    Greetings, John.
    It was great to share to pond crossing with you, John. Here’s a thought. It’s time to invest in your own GPS. My garmin is a life saver. We are booked on Carnival Breeze in Jan/Feb 2014, hope to see you there.

  36. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    Having a great time on the Breeze. The 2 day just ROCKED!!!

    And seeing you and Calvyn was so much fun.

    And to think it started with our family having our own private Blogger’s Cruise 1.05 in 2008 after you got off the BC 1 and on the Imagination with us!!!

    And A YEAR LATER meeting the other Blogger’s on BC 2!!!

    Can’t wait for BC 6!!

    DJ’s Zinger of the Day….

    Amy ( 6’3″) warned us that the Hasbro game show had Mr Potato Head on the screen so that DJ would not be surprised….

    DJ said “Well, as long as he doesn’t show his french fry or leave a potato log on the stage…we are good to go!!”

    Later tonight he added…”When Mr and Mrs Potato “get together”…they make mashed potatoes and if they are not careful…9 months later they will have a spud!”

    Linda (Mom of your friend and co-author DJ)

  37. hubert akers says:

    Hi John, I just got back from a 7day Carnival Legend cruise, It was the worse time i have had on a cruise. My family goes every year.

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