Merry Christm…… Happy Holidays Everyone.

December 17, 2012 -

John Heald

There are certain things in this world that cost ridiculous amounts of money for reasons I can’t fathom. Take razor blades, for example. Can someone explain to me then why razor blades probably cost about 50 cents each to make, but are so sodding expensive to buy? Maybe they are so expensive as the company that makes them has to pay David Beckham millions of dollars to stand at a mirror shaving with a cucumber shoved down his underpants. There are other things that cost so much to buy that I wonder why they can get away with such baffling sums of money. Batteries, sun lotion and bottled water that has been “flowing through the Swiss mountains for hundreds of years” yet costs ridiculous amounts and come with a sodding sell by date!  Or at least that’s what I thought until I discussed the outrageous price of Gillette razors with Calvyn. (more…)


December 3, 2012 -

John Heald

One of the beards wrote me an email last night from his eye pad. It was 11:20 pm and he told me he was writing it from in bed while his wife lay next to him asleep. Oh, FFS, get a life. What a sad bastard he must be I thought, lying in bed writing emails. But then I realised what an idiot I was because I was reading his email on my blackberry in my underpants with my legs planted firmly under the Intercontinentahyattarriot’s duvet. I then realised that I do this all the time whether I am on a ship, hotel or at home and I do it quite a lot! This is probably not a good thing and will probably mean that I will have less rumpy pumpy than a Benedictine monk. Anyway, it’s now Sunday evening, 11:45pm and I am writing this piece of today’s blog from my bed in my underpants with my laptop resting on my beach ball of a belly. (more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.