CELTIC THUNDER CRUISE

May 31, 2013 -

John Heald

 Like food in Italy, football in the UK and right to bear arms in the USA, music in Ireland is so important to the people. The rich musical tradition that stretches back through the entire history of Ireland and of course compliments perfectly Ireland’s other rich tradition…………pubs. 

And so when I saw that these two brilliant Irish traditions were coming together and doing so on a Carnival ship……………..I wanted to learn more. (more…)

 OK, no time to waste. I have two hours only to write this blog because I have loads to do, shows to host and a new CD to help get ready for the transition cruise to Dover.  Life is pretty hectic for me at the moment with a ship to run and some other stuff I have to prepare for and I have these last few days, quite honestly, only just keeping my head above water. Last night when I was on the phone with Kye saying goodnight, she was telling me how she wants to go ice skating and I suddenly realised that throughout the conversation with my four-year-old daughter I was answering questions on Facebook. Yep, there she was, the most beloved thing in my life, telling me that she wanted to ice skate like she had seen in a Barbie movie and I was answering a question about dates for 2014. I was making vague sounds of feigned interest such as “mmm, mmm, sounds great” ………what a complete and utter bastard I am. I am no better than one of today’s teenagers whose distracted glaze says, “If I don’t read that text which probably says something really important like ‘what’s up dog,’ I might actually die.” (more…)

RUSSIAN TO GALVESTON

May 24, 2013 -

John Heald

 On Wednesday’s blog, I wrote about how we are planning for our Baltic season which starts on June 20 and in that blog I highlighted the ports of Warnemunde and Berlin. So today and with apologies for those who have bugger all interest in the Baltic and won’t be joining me here on Carnival Legend, here is a brief look at the most important and the most eagerly awaited destination where the ship will call…….Cleveland, Ohio……bugger……I mean St. Petersburg, Russia.

(more…)

BUTCH, BERLIN AND BOGS

May 22, 2013 -

John Heald

 

From: LEGEND GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Tuesday, May 21, 2013 5:09 PM
To: LEGEND CRUISE DIRECTOR; LEGEND SHORE EXCURSION MANAGER

Cc: LEGEND GUEST SERVICES; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES MANAGER
Subject: No toilet stops on the Pisa Tour

 

Good afternoon

Mrs._______-from cabin______ was at the desk to say that she was very unhappy with the Pisa tour today. Guest states that there was no toilet stop between the ship and Pisa and there had been no toilet on the coach as she had expected. Guest says she takes pills called water tablets for her swelling in the legs and was in bad discomfort for the 45 minutes she was on the coach from ship to the stop at Pisa. Guest says that there were also no toilets at Pisa and she had to walk into a cafe shop and ask. Guest would like to speak to someone about the tours she has booked in Rome in this regard. Thanks and kind regards.

Guest Services Associate

Carnival Legend (more…)

JUST TUST TRYING TO BE A GOOD FELLA

May 20, 2013 -

John Heald

Want to see how a creamy pastry got me in trouble? Then read on.

 

From: LEGEND GUEST SERVICES
Sent: Saturday, May 18, 2013 2:44 PM
To: LEGEND CRUISE DIRECTOR
Cc: LEGEND GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES MANAGER; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES
Subject: **** – comments made by CD

 

Hi John,

Mr. _______ asked that you contact him, John. He was at your travel talk this morning, John, and was unhappy to hear a joke you made about the Mafia in Italy. Guest is of American/Italian family and would like you to speak with him. Thank you and kind regards.

Guest Services Associate, Carnival Legend
Carnival Cruise Lines (more…)

EVEN MORE SUNSHINE

May 16, 2013 -

John Heald

We had a wonderful birthday party for Kye yesterday. It was attended by Heidi and I and Calvyn and a few of the staff. She had a butterfly birthday cake and a grand total of seven gifts to open. Those seven gifts meant that I had to ask 27 crew members to help me take away all the packaging. Honestly, have you seen the packing that children’s toy’s come in these days, bugger me they are more entombed than a sodding Egyptian mummy. This makes me so angry that my hemorrhoids flare up and my teeth start to itch. I mean why, for instance, does Disney’s Rapunzel doll have to be sold with 12 plastic fasteners that need a Black & Decker power drill to cut? (more…)

 So there I was, chatting with a stunning girl from Latvia with huge breasts………hers, not mine, of course. She seems keen on getting together with me but says she can’t fly to join me on the Carnival Legend unless I send some money for the ticket. So I do. And then, shock horror, I never hear from her again. Obviously, this is not a true story. Honestly Heidi, it isn’t……..well, most of it anyway. But I write this because it does happen and yet very few people will ever report it. “Hello, Mr Police Officer, I’m a 48-year-old fat and ugly cruise director. My teeth are bent, my hair is grey and I’ve been ripped off by a stunningly sexy Latvian who said she found me attractive and wanted to fly to the Carnival Legend and act out chapter five of 50 Shades of Grey with me………in a lifeboat.” (more…)

 In between the two shows last night, I had a 45-minute window to race up to Lido Deck and enjoy two slices of turkey, some gravy and some mixed vegetables, a Caesar salad and a piece of sugar free banana gateau.  Saying hello to the guests who were dining there also and answering a few questions I took my now cold turkey to the back of Deck 9, found a booth and sat down. (more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.