WEINERS AND BARBIES

July 31, 2013 -

John Heald

My daughter Kye no longer loves that purple bastard dinosaur or the bag of sausages sometimes known as Peppa Pig. Nope, they are gone and forgotten because my daughter Kye, aged four …….. now loves Barbie. She watches the movies with sickly titles like Barbie and the Red Shoes, Barbie in a Mermaid Tale, Barbie Does Dallas and Barbie Divorces Ken. And she has the Barbie Dream House and the Barbie Cruise Ship and lots of Barbie clothes for her Barbie dolls while Ken lives in a cardboard box in the shed. It reminds me of when my sister played with her Barbies and what I would do to them when she wasn’t looking.  I chopped their hair off and gave them a bath in the toilet. I pierced their ears with a huge safety pin. I painted their nipples blue and one had the same number of legs as Paul McCartney’s ex-girlfriend. I hate Barbie just as much as I hated Barney. Yesterday, I called home to wish Kye goodnight and tell her I love as I always do and she insisted on singing a song called “She’s the Queen of the Waves” which, of course, is from a Barbie movie. (more…)

 So as everyone else is still talking about Prince George……so will I. And just in case Prince William reads this blog (why wouldn’t he?), I thought that as George reaches a week old, I would give Will some advice. Yes, he will be surrounded by butlers and nannies and queens and servants but they won’t tell him the most important thing about being a father. And that is Mr. Prince……. now that your wife has had a baby, you can never ever be in pain ever, ever again. You see Willy, my daughter is now four years old and since she came in to our life, no matter what illness I have, it doesn’t matter anymore. (more…)

SHOW ME SHOWS

July 17, 2013 -

John Heald

I was talking with a fellow cruise director a few days ago and as we chatted on the satellite phone — me in Dover, UK, and my colleague just waking up in the western Caribbean — he told me about the difficulties he had recently gone through, thanks to Tropical Storm Chantal. It wasn’t the storm that had caused him difficulties — no, it was a couple of guests who went beyond the usual disappointment that every guest feels when a change of itinerary occurs and became abusive and angry. This is, as the great Welsh, hip-gyrating Tom Jones says, “not unusual.” Not only on Carnival but on every other cruise line in the world………maybe with the exception of P&O because Brits never complain about anything in public. But seriously, on every ship that is affected by Mother Nature, there are people who do not and will not understand that the cruise lines make these changes to avoid ……..ummmmm………….how do I put it ………. ummmmm……ummmmm……oh, yes, I know…………..DEATH! (more…)

NO FLY ZONE

July 15, 2013 -

John Heald

 

Yesterday while the Carnival Legend was bobbing about in the beautiful harbour of Tallinn, Estonia, I headed up to the spa for a haircut. Actually, that’s bollocks. Because in today’s metrosexual world, it is impossible for this cuddly cruise director to have a simple haircut. Nope, what I have to do in the Carnival Legend Spa……… is have my hair “styled.” Actually, that’s not true because I could go to the crew barber. As I mentioned in a blog some weeks ago, each ship has a crew barber who after he has finished doing his real job – be it a waiter, cook, captain, etc. — he will go down to a small room below deck and cut hair. Now when I was on Carnival Breeze, the chap who did this was excellent. He got the clippers out and, five minutes later, you looked all clean and tidy and with a haircut that looked good. (more…)

IT USED TO BE THAT EVERYTHING WAS EXCELLENT

July 11, 2013 -

John Heald

In recent years, when I would walk around the ship I would see toddlers and younger children who were not enjoying the fun at Camp Carnival playing with teddy bears, toys and whatever is on the table……..knives, pepper pots and bits of food. Fast-forward to today and you will see kids aged as young as two ignoring the fascinations of a straw and a glass of ice and instead concentrating on their eyepads. My gorgeous daughter, Kye, is now four but from aged three she could navigate from start up to shut down, accessing her Peppa Pig cartoons on YouTube, the iplayers and game programs I had installed for her. (more…)

 One day, there won’t be any cruise ships. Obviously not in our generation or even maybe the next or indeed the one after that, but one day man will move from A to B using personal jetpacks and vacation on the planet Uranus and hardly anyone will care about cruise ships. Seriously, think about it because mankind will have come up with something better. It’s happened before, after all. Every day, I sit here in my underpants thinking up new things to write to the thousands of you waiting to click on my latest bunch of bollocks about my life as a cruise director and cruising in general. And maybe this blog is being stored on a vast computer somewhere and maybe this will be the only way future generations will know what cruising was all about. (more…)

BREAKFAST IN BED

July 3, 2013 -

John Heald

 

We start today with some room service.

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ANGER MANAGEMENT

July 1, 2013 -

John Heald

 Good morning from this, the last day of our first Baltic cruise. Tomorrow we will be in Belgium and more on that later but, overall, it has been a huge success and the ports, as always, steal the show. I won’t say that there weren’t challenges. I had a guest who hated, truly hated the live German Music and Bavarian Food Party we did on Lido deck. The rest of the guests are still talking about it but this guest is so upset that it’s all I can think about when anyone mentions the words, “oompah” or “bratwurst.” I felt genuinely sorry for him as for reasons I won’t go into here, it was a party that made him so angry, he cried real tears. It’s at times like that you forget the 2,000 and remember just the one and then as a cruise director you find yourself second guessing if doing a party like that was a good choice or not. (more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.