Looking For Trouble

May 8, 2014 -

John Heald

Last night was elegant night and that meant some but certainly not all of our guests were dressed formally and that, of course, included some very beautiful ladies………….by the way, remind me to talk about elegant night and what we have to do to make it better please. Anyway, so there I was standing in the lobby with the captain and a few senior officers when this absolutely stunning – I mean drop dead gorgeous – supermodel twenty-something walked past. She was well over six feet tall and her long wispy black hair fell perfectly over her shoulders and down her back. I once dated a girl called Wendy.  She had long black hair all down her back……none on her head………..just all down her back. However, back to the story. This lady was perfect and all eyes were on her as she swished past us and I admit to all the readers of this blog and, indeed my wife, that my head followed her as she strode past.

I wasn’t alone. In fact, everyone, including some women, were doing the same – she was just that stunning.  The entire episode lasted about 10 seconds as I quickly returned to saying hello and shaking hands with guests.  But then, I got my very first bollocking from a guest since starting here as a cruise director ………. it only took two days.

A lady guest appeared out of nowhere and this is how the conversation went:

Guest:  “I saw you staring at that lady – you were very obvious and I think that it was unprofessional.”

Me: “Oops, please don’t tell my wife, ha ha ha.”

Guest: “It’s not funny,” and, shaking her head, she went back to her bar stool. I could see what she thought of me and that really upset me because I realised that she may be right and yet it was ………… well…………..natural. But these days in the PC world that we live in people are expected to become robots, immune to the beautiful sights around them.

I have been thinking about this a lot these past few hours and I wasn’t even sure if it was right for me to sit here and tell you about it in my blog. In my defence, this woman was incredibly beautiful and I was not the only one to admire her beauty and maybe the guest was correct, it was unprofessional of me to stare.

Yep, I should have controlled myself but I’m a human being and this beautiful lady caught my eye. But when I put my name tag on, it doesn’t magically turn me into a Benedictine Monk and I guess I could have and should have been a little less obvious. I actually didn’t think I had been that obvious but according to the guest who complained to me I had been and so irate was she with me that she refused the complimentary drinks I offered her and when I asked for her name and cabin number she stood up and walked away. Yep, I am really making an impression on the guests here — FFS.

So now I feel rotten and wanted to tell you how disappointed I am in myself and that after just two days as a cruise director again I have a guest who thinks I am a sexist, leering, mouth- breathing sex maniac with no more right to live on God’s green Earth than a dung beetle.

I will be looking for this guest and do my very best to use my experience and all the fruit on the ship to turn her around with another sincere apology. Talking of apologies, I also need to apologise to the bar waiter who as the supermodel walked past me, spilled a full tray of drinks ………………….in his accident report he made to our security department, he states that he allegedly, “tripped over the cruise director’s tongue.”  Oops.

Time for today’s Q and A, here we go:

Rob Ince asks:
John: I have cruised with you twice now and find you very entertaining.  I will be cruising on the Carnival Liberty from Port Canaveral on August 22 with my mom and two sons.  This will be my mom’s first cruise and I know she will love it. Her birthday falls during the cruise on August 26 and I was hoping to make dinner reservations at the steakhouse for her, but I don’t want her to miss elegant night either.  Can you tell me which nights are elegant nights on that eight-day cruise as well as when Camp Carnival is open?  My boys are 11 and eight and while they like steak, I don’t think they belong in the steakhouse. Thanks so much!

John says:
Hello Rob Ince

Thanks so much for the kind words and I am glad to see you will be cruising with us again. The elegant nights are on August 23 and 28. I hope this allows you to plan accordingly and if there is anything else I can do please do ask me here or on my facebook.com/johnheald page.

Best wishes to all.


Sarah Marcus asks:
I have now sailed on four Carnival cruises. Each cruise my table assignment gets worse in the dining room. Why is it that I am getting worse locations in the dining room because, on the Carnival Sensation my husband and I were put at a table right next to the exit! I am starting to think that we were put there because of our skin color. Our next cruise will be cruise five on the Carnival Fantasy June 7 so what does a gal have to do to get recognized for a good table in the middle of the dining room?

John says:
Hello Sarah Marcus

Thanks for writing to me and I should point out that table assignment is not based at all on the number of cruises someone has done and certainly not on what you alluded to, that I assure you.

It is a very complicated set of facts and logistics. I think the maître d’s thoughts are that there is no such thing as a “bad table” and, regardless of where you are seated, that you will receive good food and superb service. Please remind me if you can four days before your cruise on my facebook.com/johnheald page about this concern and I will chat with the maître d and see what we can do for you. Have a great cruise. Best wishes.


David Fernley asks:
Why does Carnival allow passengers to sing ultra-religious songs at their talent show? My family and I were subjected to such a thing last week on our family vacation cruise on Carnival Victory. I must say that I am shocked that the Carnival staff allowed this to happen. Religious songs should be banned because this is not the pace for passengers to express and push on others their faith when you have such multi-faithed passengers on the boat. This left me with a bad taste and we actually left the talent show as did other passengers we noticed.

John says:
Hello David Fernley

Thanks for writing to me and I never like to see one of our valued guests so upset so let me start with an apology. It is a very difficult situation because, while I understand what you are saying I would also like to point out that to tell a guest that they can’t sing a song that may have some very special meaning to them would result, I am sure, in further heated conversations. I think the answer is to try and enjoy the music for the few minutes it is performed and then move on and hopefully you will enjoy the rest of the show. This is one of those subjects that will divide opinion as I have seen when I raised the subject on Facebook. Thank you again. Let me know if you have a follow up to this and, of course, I do hope you and your family had a great cruise and that we will see you again soon. Best wishes.


Rebecca Warneford asks:
John: Love cruising with Carnival and was really concerned recently when reading a comment on Cruise Critic concerning my cruise this weekend. This is the last cruise before dry dock. The person on Cruise Critic mentioned she was on one of Carnival’s ship the one before dry dock and everything was closing down. If this is the case I hope buffet and bars will not be closing until the end of my cruise. Could you make a comment about this?

John says:
Hello Rebeca Warneford

I apologise if I am answering this after the fact and you have already completed your cruise. This is not correct as I am sure you saw for yourself and that everything was open and the staff gave you the best of service. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Best wishes.


Gina Helm asks:
Hello John: My husband and I, plus our family, are cruising on the Carnival Dream out of New Orleans leaving May 18. We usually leave on the Carnival Magic out of Galveston since we live in Houston but we want to go on some different ships. Can you tell me some great things about the Carnival Dream like best dining choices, etc.? BTW, we are celebrating our 12th anniversary on this cruise which is wonderful because our first cruise was our honeymoon on the Carnival Inspiration when it was out of New Orleans back in 2002, so we are very excited. We are working on platinum status and hope to have it by the end of next year! So we will be booking another cruise soon.

Gina Helm

John says:
Hello Gina Helm

Well, she is a great ship — the first in her class and has a brilliant steakhouse which is a must see during your cruise. She has one of the very best shows in the fleet in Dancin’ in the Street and don’t miss any of the Lido areas for lunch including the pasta bar, of course. I want to thank you for your loyalty and please if you can on May 17 send me your cabin number on my Facebook page (facebook.com/johnheald) and I wish you both the best of times. Best wishes.


Scott Eckmyre asks:
Hi John,

Curious is to why, in the buffet restaurants on all Carnival ships, staff refuse to give anything but a “sliver” of prime rib?  My wife and I have been on eight Carnival cruises and have encountered this experience on each cruise. When I approach the server at the carving station I ask (and usually show the individual) for a thicker piece of prime rib but unfortunately I end up with a very thin, small piece?  Why will they not give bigger piece if a guest asks?  Seems ridiculous to make a guest return three or four times to get additional piece of prime rib.  I understand the cost is high with prime rib roast but this is just ridiculous.  By the way, on turkey, roast pork, lamb or just about any other night the server is more than willing to give half the “roast” to a guest without a request?

John says:
Hello Scott Eckmyre

Well, thanks for writing as I have never seen this one before. The simple answer is that the chefs have parameters to follow as do you, I am sure, at work. Now, I just asked the chef here on the Carnival Miracle and he made a great point when he said, “thick cuts are often left and wasted.” But saying that, if you ask for more you should get more and that is definitely our policy. So please do ask and, if anyone refuses, please speak to a uniformed manager on Lido or let the guest services know. We are here to give you as much as you need and I apologise if that has not been the case. Best wishes.


Paul Chettino asks:
John please dump the communist news network that is called CNN. It is an embarrassment to America and should be replaced with FOX News. I am a Carnival junkie with 12 cruises under my belt but am also a news junkie so I struggle when on a Carnival ship. Please consider my request which would be met with many yells of joy from my fellow shipmates for sure. Thanks

John says:
Hello Paul Chettino

I think I have written before how I really find the American news stations fascinating and how diverse and politically motivated they are. Anyway, the CNN channel is part of our package that is provided to us by our satellite supplier and, at the moment, I am afraid we won’t be changing to FOX News. Hopefully you can survive during the cruise on CNN and the other network news. Thanks for your loyalty and I do hope we see you again very soon. Best wishes.


Shari Routh asks:
We’ve nearly always booked Early Saver cruises (seven to date!) because we have to sail when our family of six and their spouses are all able to.  I’ve noticed that Carnival is only lowering the price this time if Carnival chooses the cabin which we early savers are not allowed to price match.  Does this mean that someone who pays $400 less (as of today’s price for Carnival picks cabin) then me will get a cabin equal to mine or even better (like a spa)?  Feeling kind of sad 🙁  Thanks for all of your continued help with our questions!!  We appreciate your blog!  Shari

John says:
Hello Shari Routh

Please do not be sad and let me say that, while I really do not begin to understand the complexities of rates and the different booking options, I know someone who does and have asked them to contact you. I hope that this is OK and you can be happy again and I am here if you need anything.  Best wishes.


Alexander Seward asks:
John, my question is about the mini-bar/refrigerator. On my upcoming cruise in June on the Carnival Freedom, I was thinking about either purchasing a drink package or simply bringing water on board. I have looked everywhere, but can’t seem to find the answer. If asked, can the room stewards empty the mini-bar so I can put in the water, or is there someone else that needs to asked this? Thanks for any assistance.

John says:
Hello Alexander Seward

The Cheers package is superb and we are seeing more and more people take this option. I have always thought that lugging on a case of water is such a chore to save a dollar or so but, hey, that’s just me. Please, can you write to me the day before your cruise on facebook.com/johnheald and I will be happy to ask the stateroom steward to empty the mini bar. Best wishes and have a brilliant time.


Ron price asks:
John:  My wife and I are loyal Carnival cruisers. I have been trying to get her to go on an Alaskan cruise as we live 60 kilometers east of Vancouver, BC. I have also introduced her to your Facebook posts which she loves reading daily. The issue is we live surrounded by mountains and ocean and she is really a big fan of the southern heat destinations. Could you help me to sway her? I have used the no flights angle already and I think it moved us closer. Thank you.


PS our son has joined the crew aboard the Carnival Pride as a DJ. He loves it…we miss him:-)

John says:
Hello Ron Price

I do hope that your son is having fun and totally understand how much you must miss him. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you or for him. Alaska is amazing, stunning and like no other cruise I have ever done. I hope you and your wife will both read my Facebook page and see the photos there which will show you what I mean. I hope then to see you here in Alaska and if you or your good lady have any questions please let me know. Best wishes to you all.


Jesse asks:
Hi John: We are in the process of planning our next cruise and was just wondering what ship you will be the cruise director for?  I know you are doing the Alaskan cruise but for how long?

John says:
Hello Jesse

I will be here until the last Alaskan cruise in September and it would be brilliant to see you here. Please let me know if you have any questions. Best wishes.


Alina Calderin asks:

I am curious what exactly will be added to the Carnival Victory during its 2014 dry dock. I am getting conflicting information from the general booking staff. Most tell me the refit will be fresh carpet and a few added venues, but on Cruise Critic, someone posted that it will a big refurb similar to the Carnival Sunshine, and that there might even a renaming. What’s the true story?

John says:
Hello Alina Calderin,

It is interesting to read this because the speculation on Cruise Critic is certainly incorrect and nobody should be saying anything because we haven’t announced anything just yet. I’ve asked the beards this very question last week and they are still deciding what upgrades the ship will receive. She will be in dry dock for only two weeks starting March 26, 2015 so she will not get the same work as we did on Carnival Sunshine. I promise to let everyone know as soon as a decision is made as to what she will receive.  Until then…Best wishes.


And that’s all for today. I will be back with more on Friday

So here I am, back in the saddle again and trying to remember, after seven months away, how to be a good cruise director. Certainly as the drum rolled and Julian, the musical director, introduced me on to the stage for the welcome aboard show there was a moment of squeaky bottom time but once I was out there under the lights and with mic in hand it all seemed to go well. I heard laughter and my flow and timing, although rusty at first got better as the show went on. With the Welcome Aboard show my object is always to make stars out of the people on stage. I want them to be recognised and become part of the cruise story that I tell and tell each week. And there were some great characters on stage with me and I was actually more nervous about my travel talk for Alaska, because when you talk about ports your information needs to be correct and given in such a way that the guests see your passion for them that they decide to book a tour and experience these excursions for themselves. Now this is easy for me when I am talking about ports I have been to numerous times but I am still learning about Alaska so I think with time my talks will get better. Certainly guests are buying tours and seem to be sharing my excitement and I will share some of their highlights with you over the coming weeks.

Michelle, the naturalist is the cream on top of what I do and she is someone whose knowledge is worth so much and really does enhance the cruise. I will thank her for all the help she has given me so far by sending her a huge basket of tofu and buying her a new pair of sandals. Yesterday she jumped on the PA system and told the guests that there were four hump back whales on the starboard side very close to the ship. I was in my cabin, which is on the port side and, as I was deep into Facebook and in my underpants, I couldn’t be asked to go over to the starboard side to see a few fish.

It looks like I wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to move:

Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2014 3:27 PM
Subject: ICare tasked to our attention Cabin #5299

Good Afternoon

Please note the following ICare case, Please update the ICare notes accordingly.

C – Mrs.——–came to GS upset that the whales seen today could only be seen on the starboard side. Mrs____has a suite on the port side and feels that the ship should have been turned so that all the ship could see.

Mrs. _____kept stating how much she had paid for the cabin and that she should have been able to see them . It was explained that the ship has to keep going to the first port and that we could not turn each time and that there were plenty of chances for her to see whales. Guest would like to speak with Captain or Cruise Director. Task number 29811A61

And so I start my four months as cruise director and I do so by upsetting a guest who didn’t like the fact that I was admiring a stunningly beautiful lady and making another mad another because Moby Dick was on the wrong sodding side of the ship.

I really have nothing else to say but…………………Oh, FFS!

Wish you were here.



Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

79 Responses to Looking For Trouble

  1. Tammy guess says:

    There is nothing wrong with admireing a beautiful man or woman, so long as you are not lusting after them. I’m sure she would appreciate the admiration.

  2. Tom Bryant says:

    John – Everyone else in the room was looking, she was just jealous because no one would look at her. But you can’t say that. Sort of like what Winston Churchill said to some lady who told him he was drunk. He said, “Yes ma’am i am drunk. But in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.”

  3. Bob D says:

    Going on the “ronterage” cruise 9/15

    Bless u my man for paying attention to the beautiful sights around you. and FFS, that pax with the issue about it ought to loosen her view on life.. love reading you on FB. U do a fantastik job.

  4. Shell says:

    I love your posts and blogs. You make me laugh with each one. I love your honesty. So what if you stared at a beautiful lady. If it was an attractive man I’m sure the guest who got upset with you would have stared. Or if everyone stared at her I know she wouldn’t have asked you to stop. My theory is you can be on a diet and still look at the menu. Enjoy life, ignore other or you will be miserable like that guest who complained.

  5. brandi drewry says:

    Heres the deal looking is perfectly normal the moment someone does the whistling or the cat calls its too much… It is only my assumption that the beautiful lady prob is aware she is beautiful and prob appreciates others think so as well… my advice to you is dont caudle someone who is so bitter that she makes a negative thing out of something positive…

  6. Tony Carrender says:


    We are planning a short notice cruise on 12 June out of Port Canaveral. Is it possible to have an empty fridge so we can use it to store our personal drinks. We went on a cruise last year and had Gumbie as our cruise director. He was awesome.


  7. Lisa says:


    I recently came across your blog and thought it a good forum to send you a comment to pass on to the “beards” if you will about my recent cruise on the Freedom to Aruba. First and foremost, we (my husband and I) had a truly fantastic time. We were both pleasantly surprised with Carnival as this was our first cruise with Carnival having only cruised with the “competition” before.

    I do feel that I have one “legitimate” gripe with something on our cruise, however..one that I did write a comment on following our cruise (but figure it can’t hurt to write to you and hope that you pass it on to the “beards” too). While on the Freedom, all of our bedding was made from down. That is a down comforter, down pillows, etc. All of said bedding is also washed together with all of the linens from the dining rooms…Now, while this seems to be a “green” practice rather than wasting electricity and water by washing each separate, it further compounds my problem. My problem being that I am allergic to down….So, after sleeping on the down pillows with the down comforter, etc., I then go to eat in the dining room where the linens have been washed with the down materials..I didn’t realize it until then, but washing something that does not contain down with something that does, some of the down material is passed onto the non-down materials as I had an allergic reaction each and every time I went to the dining room!

    When I finally figured out why I couldn’t breathe very easily while in the dining room, etc., after asking our waiter and our housekeeper, lol,they both tried to accommodate us… we discovered that there we no non-down bedding on the ship..something we were both completely shocked to hear as I thought having an allergy to down was fairly common.

    Not to fear, however, we have already booked another two cruises on Carnival where I plan on bringing my own hypoallergenic pillow and really good allergy medicine. It would be helpful, however, if hypoallergenic bedding was available on each ship and that the linens were washed separately. Please make this “beard” speak.



  8. Louis Lessner says:

    Hi John We are sailing on the Legend on Aug 17th and would like to know who will be the CD.
    When we booked it I you were the CD. Thanks

  9. Nissa S says:

    We sailed with you on the Freedom (I think…) and at one of your activities there was a guy named Dick Little. I don’t know if it was staged or not, but my mom, my hubby, and I were in tears from laughing so hard at your responses. You never know when you will be…stimulated. We’re on the Valor in July, hoping we might be joined by the best CD in the biz!

  10. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    Sounds like “Minnie” has family members onboard….oh joy!

    Linda (Mom of your friend DJ)

  11. John Allen says:

    Hang in there Big Guy.
    I really would like to know just what the Guest relations desk does?
    Why do You have to put up the BS.
    Where is the responsibility of the other Department heads and Why does it carry over to YOU.
    Regarding the Guest and the Primo Guest,
    The other complainer would probably be upset at Statues in Rome and The Paintings on the Ceiling of the Cistine Chapel.
    Just take it from where it comes.
    Always believed:
    You can please some of the people some of the time. But newer all of the people all of the time.
    Moral there will always be Idiots complaining about something.

  12. John Allen says:

    Just as a follow up. Did anyone take a picture and get a release ?
    The BEARDS would probably take time looking also.
    Forgetta about it!

  13. David Bourque says:

    Sunglasses @ Night….

  14. Ron I. says:

    I bet if Fox News just had articles and videos of Megan Fox’s bottom then it would be immediately available on at least 1 ship.

  15. Jolasveinn says:

    Shame on you John for taking in some “Eye candy”,but at the same time I am guessing you must have been the other lady’s “Eye candy” if she was looking at you long enough to see everything.

  16. Marie Wolff says:

    John: I do not see the need for you to apologize for admiring a beautiful woman. You are not dead. I think the lady? who approached you was out of line and that she should apologize to you for her attitude. I’ll bet she is a shriveled dog faced woman and was very jealous of the beautiful woman.

  17. Roger Tollerud says:

    I think the lady, and I use that term advisedly in her case, who was upset by you and others admiring a beautiful young lady is absurd. The world is full of people who are looking for a reason to be offended and are not worthy of your time!!
    See you on the 17th of June!
    Roger T

  18. Margie Tracy says:

    I only have one word for both instances……


    People you are on vacation, enjoy yourselves. I’d give anything to be in your shoes on a ship.

  19. Laura says:

    Hi John
    The older lady was probably just jealous,
    of this younger women

  20. robert says:

    The woman who told you that you should not have looked at that beautiful woman. should have had a few more magical adult beverages and minded her own business. I am sure I would have looked too and I would have come over to you to say that I agreed with you.
    Happy Cruising.

  21. Sharon Wolfe says:

    Oh good grief to the woman bent out of shape because you looked at a woman. Every red blooded male does it. It doesn’t matter what your job is. Personally I would be more grossed out if you looked at another male (just saying). That your wife knows and you only looked is not a crime. I tell ya there are a lot of cruisers who need to relax.

  22. donna says:

    John would have probably google eyed her to and you should have told the old bitty Offs lady she was beautiful and there is nothing wrong with admiring beauty in any form…weather it be mountains,

    flowers or people…

  23. Stormy Bailey says:

    John, I think the lady who scolded you for admiring a beautiful woman (even if it was obvious) is being unfairly offended.
    I have told my husband that I do not expect him to act like a dead man and never look at a woman, as long as he does not do this when I am around (that to me is offensive, it only took one time for me to get that point across :0). Men do admire beautiful women, it is as natural as anything else they do (and women are just a quick to notice a great looking man – we just know how to do it better and not get caught).
    You should not feel guilty if all you did was look and I really don’t think you should waste your time or energy on the woman that is upset. She clearly is not interested in an apology or attempts by you to appease her, so let it go unless you want her to have the satisfaction of making you squirm… Instead spend your energy on the other guests and making someone happy that will actually appreciate you for it.
    Good Luck ;0)

  24. Missy says:

    John, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging a beautiful woman. Heck, I’ve pointed them out to my husband on occasion. It does not mean anything other than you are a man. Don’t give it another thought. That lady needs to get a life.

  25. Rick Drake says:

    We have cruised twice to Alaska on the Carnival Spirit; and both times Michelle was the naturalist. We are delighted to here that she will be the naturalist on our September 10th Miracle cruise. And looking forward to seeing the rusty cruise director also. :>)

  26. James Eager says:

    As for the “staring” – you are human. Reasonable people understand looking is not touching. The turning the ship is that people don’t have a clue of the costs involved. When filming “Final Countdown” the director wanted to turn the carrier to do a shot again due to the placement of the sun. The cost was roughly $50K. A cruise ship is almost half the size of a carrier, so if the passenger wanted to pony up the $25K, then go ahead and turn the ship.

    • Margot Wright says:

      As an alternative to turning the ship, the lady could have stirred herself enough to go to the Lido deck or any open deck on the other side of the ship and seen the whales herself. Whales do what they want, and there are no guarantees that they will decide to be on your side of the ship.

  27. John Mattingly says:

    Hi John,

    With respect to the “lady” who jumped you because you looked at the beautiful woman: I believe you said you offered her free drinks and she refused. You’ve done enough. Forget about it. Some people are just that way and will not be satisfied no matter what you do. BTW, you did nothing wrong in taking a look at the beautiful woman.

    Regarding the lady who wanted the ship turned so she could see the whales: That is just plain silly. Apparently, she thinks the world revolves around her. Forget it and move on.

    You have a tough job sometimes, John. But thanks for being there.

  28. Doris says:

    I will be on the Miracle on June 10. I enjoy Carnival a lot I am a dimon personh have had alot of fun I need your help getting mine and my sons familey at the sane table I am on early seatting
    if you coulded help thank you.

  29. Teresa Cooper says:

    John please don’t waste any more efforts to apologize to the woman who told you you were unprofessional for noticing the lovely lady. She’s probably just mad that no one stares at her anymore. You didn’t do anything offensive. And that passenger who complained about table assignment-not everyone thinks a table in the middle of the dining room is best. Some prefer tables by the windows. And no one knows your race when they are making table assignments so that was a dumb thing for her to allude to. Gosh, I’d be happy to be sitting anywhere in a Carnival dining room right now!

  30. Patricia Charle says:

    Well, so you looked at a beautiful lady…as long as you didn’t wolf whistle, drool, snap your fingers and make hootchy-kootchy noises…it wouldn’t have bothered me. Perhaps the irate lady wish SHE had that kind of attention. Can’t please them all. I have seen stunning people like that…ones that are just numbingly beautiful….never mind gender…I will look.

  31. Gene Owens says:

    Your stories on Facebook and in your blog are priceless. I imagine you are tempted to think that after your many years with Carnival you have heard/seen them all – and then the sun comes up on another day and another tale of life at sea. Keep on publishing them!

    My wife and I sailed on the Carnival Pride from Baltimore last January and we are booked on the repositioning cruise in March 2014 bringing the Pride back to Baltimore. When you announced that Carnival was retuning to Baltimore and mentioned the repositioning cruise, I though you made a comment that you were considering sailing on that one. I hope that is true. We’d love the opportunity to spend a couple of weeks on the Pride along with you.

  32. Jennifer Hug says:

    John, congrats on being back in the CD chair. And as for the lady you complained about the whales being on the wrong side of the ship, tell her to move her feet to the other side of the ship to see them.

  33. Rob Davis says:

    Hi John…regarding the stunning woman, the complaining woman was the one who was wrong. We are all human and no one is a robot, and you can’t just turn it off & on. This stunning woman was quite obviously beautiful beyond the norm, so why all the fuss about looking at her? I’m sure you weren’t the only one, cruise ship staff included. As far as me…as a married man, I just say “I’m married, not dead”.

  34. Well I guess things never change do they John? Those two ladies were a pain and I wouldn’t even give it a thought. First of all, a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman. When I see a beautiful woman, I look. So what if I do? You mean that women don’t look at handsome men with a hard chest? Yes they do. Now the other lady on the starboard side of the ship. Is she crazy? Turn the ship around so that I can see the whales because I paid for a suite on this side of the ship. How pathetic some people can be.
    As far as you being a CD, and remembering what you use to do, you won’t lose it at all. It’s like when you made love for the first time. You never lose it. Ha,ha,ha. Have a fantastic time in Alaska.


  35. Jim Munkittrick says:

    John, You must have never gotten the busband manual!!!!! Page 83: When staring at a beautiful woman, who is not your wife, if anyone approaches and repremands you,,,,here is your reply:
    Sir/Madam, I am insulted! I stare solely to compare that lady to my wife, and then thank the good Lord, my wife is better!

  36. John R Matzke says:


    I hope you were not being serious when you talked about the lady that chastised you about staring at a beautiful woman; young, not so young, or older than air. She was probably just angry because no one has looked at her like that or complimented her in a very long time. Can you imagine what her significant other(HOW’S THAT FOR POLITICALLY CORRECT), if she has one, goes through every day of his/her/its life. I know that your job requires a lot more tact and diplomacy than I could muster in 10 minutes of my 35 year career, but you need to live by the old adage: “Illegitimi non carborundum”. It is the human version of water off a duck’s back. You cannot make all the people you meet love you; so don’t waste you time on the few that don’t. It will drive you nuts faster than anything else.

    Looking forward to meeting you next week on the Miracle. I will be the guy who just walks up to you and says “Illegitimi non carborundum”.

  37. Jim Anderson says:

    It’s great to see you getting back in to the swing of things as CD! Great stories today. Perhaps you could tell Mrs. ___ that you have spoken to the whales representatives and that they will try and hit Both sides of the ship next time.
    Can’t wait for next cruise!
    Jim Anderson

  38. cathy says:

    I just could not let this go concerning the man complaining of a lady singing a religious song. If we all complained about what was being performed, it would never stop. A lot of songs offend me from today’s world, I just grin and forget about it. It should a free world where we can express ourselves. Some people just love to complain.

  39. steffany christopher says:

    A few yrs back while in a mall A tall Stunning young lady walked thru the mall (prabaly on her break) the whole mall was stopping and staring at her. My husband and I both were in Awh of her. She gave off such a natural beauty inside and out it was amazing to see and see everyone. You weren’t a perv just as stunned as everyone else when someone who is a natural beauty with grace and poise its as close to perfection we will every see but were blessed to have seen.

  40. Elizabeth says:

    The Beautiful Lady wanted to be admired. She would have been unhappy if you hadn’t admired her. The woman who jumped to complain was very rude. Was she also a bit ugly?

  41. Bond says:

    As my wife and I were sitting around the dinner table with her reading the “Looking for Trouble” blog, we both found ourselves laughing. No, you are not the wretch of the seas, you are however a man. In the words of the famous comedian Tim Allen “Men are Pigs”, and living up to our nature we at times act like pigs. However, if there is a stunning woman walking by and by our very nature we “pigs” often have our eyes drawn to beautiful women. What harm is looking at them? That is so long as the wife does not mind too much, and you get beaten by her purse.

    WHO CARES that you looked at a creature of beauty. I say “keep looking and remain alive, you are married, not dead!” Way to go my fine sir. When we are on the ship we will be sure to find you and buy you a drink, may I recommend a sex on the beach?

  42. Joel Funk says:

    Hey John! Here are my thoughts on your blog. Why does this woman care that you and probably several other people in the area were looking at this woman?! I seriously think she was jealous that no one was looking at her!! Some people just want to find something to gripe and moan about.

    Joel Funk

  43. Debra Gaynor says:

    Hi John,
    I just had to comment on your post. I find the passenger’s behavior rude and uncalled for. As a woman I find it flattering when men look at me. I can’t say I’ve turn a few heads and I do not find it sexist or belittling. I suspect the complaining passenger was jealous.

  44. Debra Gaynor says:

    Hi John,
    I just had to comment on your post. I find the passenger’s behavior rude and uncalled for. As a woman I find it flattering when men look at me. I can say I’ve turn a few heads and I do not find it sexist or belittling. I suspect the complaining passenger was jealous.

  45. Luis R says:

    People need to be more tolerant of other religions and stop trying to impose their own beliefs in others. David Fernley, by leaving the talent show you were disrespectful to the performer. Respect and be tolerant of other’s beliefs if you are going to expect the same from others on you.

  46. willie williamson says:

    Paul Chettino, please do not speak for other guests. There will be yells if Fox news were on board. But certainly not “Yells of Joy”.

    • Debra Suhadolc says:

      I agree! Fox News is the GOP. CNN is not biased like FOX. I also have 12 cruises, 98 sea days, like Paul.I don’t watch much TV on a cruise but I sure would hate to have FOX News as the option if something important was going on.

      • Mike J. says:

        In my opinion, if you think that CNN is not biased then you are the liberal media and/or have been completely indoctrinated by them. Please check the Media Research Center online where you can read tons of documented examples of CNN’s bias. Fox News is not perfect but with all the other organizations leaning left it’s nice to get some balance for the right. Cheers! 🙂

        • Debra Suhadolc says:

          Mike J, I should have stated CNN is not as biased as FOX. That’s what I meant when I stated, “CNN is not biased like FOX”. Thanks for bringing this to my attention. I realize all news stations are biased in one way or the other but I feel FOX goes over the line.

  47. Tom Marron says:

    The rule in our house is look but don’t touch. We have been happily married 30 years! Keeps the spark going!

  48. Eric says:

    First you are correct you are a human and male! I am a gay male and my head has often been turned by a beautiful woman and at times a handsome man. Beauty is beauty and is designed to be admired! Now tongue on the floor tripping the server might be a little too far! So would the cat calls and loud whistles but turning of a head for a moment to admire is nothing! Being PC is difficult! When I first started reading your posts and blogs several years ago I had to remind myself of this and remember that as a British citizen you have a dry and incredible sense of humour! Keep up
    The great work I love the wit! I start and end every day trying to read your posts!

    • bill says:

      I think you should hae included a picture of her so we could all judge for ourselves!!…..and tell the old bat to pi– off.

  49. Karen says:

    There is nothing wrong with admiring a beautiful woman, man or child. When we stop admiring beauty in any form we become less human.

  50. Mary Dagostino says:

    You are amazing and your stories are entertaining! Keep up the good work. More people love you than hate you, that’s for sure. Thank you for all you do. You make our lives so much better. We get the much needed rest from stress that we need when we cruise and then we can come back home and begin again. Thank you for your contribution to making that happen for us. Your picture of you and Kye is just adorable.

    Harry and Mary Dagostino

  51. Caroline says:

    When women dress to the nines like that, they do it to be noticed. That’s the whole point; for people to look at her. There’s nothing wrong with wanting attention or giving attention.

  52. Raq03 says:

    I wanted to comment on elegant night and how to improve it. We 5 just sailed last week on the splendor. Our first carnival cruise. I was disappointed with the elegant night. That night I dressed myself, 3 boys and hubby. We all dressed very nice. But once we left the room we saw lots of people not dressed or undressed. It was a downer. Then all around the ship in every corner there where people asking u want a photo. It felt as though it was done so we would spend money on photos. It was hard to walk around. Then when we entered the dining room it was not done up. I was expecting an element formal affair. Maybe dim lights, have waiters in a dressier suit. I would of liked the ship to have been done up. Also the tables always in the dining room are so close together you get bumped all night. I was worried i might get spilled on. Its hard to be dressed up and in nice shoes but no where to get around people. For us it was also hard to enjoy it was done after 2 days of docking and sightseeing. We where exhausted. My youngest ended up crying from being tired and I had to leave. I mention this because we where at sea. For 3 nights it would of been nicer one of the first nights when we where all fresh and excited for something to do. On this
    Cruise they do 2 elegant nights. By the 2nd time because of disappointment we just went to the Buffet. I hope this helps.

  53. Marilyn says:

    Hi John,
    We will be sailing with you in Alaska this summer along with ten family members. This will be our 7th or 8th (or more) time cruising with you and look forward to our family being entertained by you and your wonderful staff. Our last time with you was for three back-to-back cruises on the Carnival Legend last year, bringing her over to New York. Anyway, there was a wonderful musical director on the Legend named Julian and we’re wondering if the Julian you mentioned recently is the same. We also think a few other Carnival “faves” are on the Miracle now so we truly are looking forward to seeing all soon. You guys are great!

  54. aimee parsons says:

    John, be serious. Obviously, I am not advocating staring at women non stop, but like you said, its only natural to look. When I catch my hubby looking at a woman, I usually snicker. And when I am on a cruise (which I will be in 8 days 🙂 I love to people watch! It’s quite a hobby between the two of us. She should have taken your free drink offer, I think she needs to loosen up! Sheesh!

  55. Ronald Moyer says:

    I can’t believe the nerve of Sarah Marcus to hint that she was getting a “Bad location” table because of the color of her skin. It is so easy nowadays to play that card to get what you want nowadays. Every seat and table in the MDR has to have somebody sitting there and it is just the luck of the draw where you are assigned. I hope John does NOT make arrangements for her to sit in a prime spot on her next cruise because then her sneaky tactic worked then. I think they should put her in the worst spot just to show they will not be manipulated into giving her that prime spot. Shame on you, Sarah!

  56. Karen says:

    John – you should not at all feel like you owe this woman anything for noticing a beautiful woman! Sounds like this lady is a nutcase. Please please please don’t make her feel like she is right by sending her any kind of gift at all!

  57. John Everitt says:

    My wife and I will be sailing on Miracle to Alaska in June. Since Ketchikan has been scratched due to propulsion problems we were told certain accommodations would be given us, including a 25% reduction in price on our next cruise. Well, we have placed a deposit of $50 each on a cruise in August. We did this prior to learning about Ketchikan and would like to know if we will be able to take advantage of the 25% reduction on that cruise?

  58. Roberta Gerlach says:

    Just disembarked from the 4/28-5/6 2014 cruise on Miracle in Alaska. The onboard naturalist, Michelle, was a real perk, educating all in clear and interesting fashion about the surroundings and wildlife. We were equally impressed with the onboard National Park Rangers who made the Glacier Bay passage truly a wonderful experience. Did an Alaskan cruise 10 years ago on another line and that did not compare to this experience. All worked, even the weather, but I really cannot give you credit for that.:-) We were truly blessed with amazing sunny, warm days. Service in dining room, Joey, Jhohni and Angel, and from our room steward, Edy, Cabin 5117, was exceptional. We especially enjoyed SeaBrunch. We had sailed on a TA Repositioning from London with you on the Legend, but this trip outshone that one, although shorter. Entertainment was outstanding, as well. The best surprise was the “Luggage Express” program which made it possible to place our luggage outside the stateroom and then collect it after flight transfers in Tampa. What a great idea and so reasonable.

    For next time: Guest Services personnel seem to be the least aware of critical information on the ship. I spent 3 different visits there attempting to verify the Luggage Express and each time, the staff member just read the flyer back to me. In addition, there was inadequate communication regarding the charges, so we were unaware of whether or not we would have the $25 luggage fee per bag, and how it would be paid. They need more knowledgeable staff on that important desk.

    Finally, I heard you mention in your afternoon chat that you were promoting a Baltic cruise to “the powers that be.” We would dismayed that Carnival would no longer be cruising in Europe; we live in FL and have had enough Caribbean at this point. Please let us know if Europe will return in 2016. Flying to the Far East is too pricey for us to consider.

    Thanks for providing the means for Miracle to present a great cruising experience.

  59. Tony says:

    OMG John, this post was hysterical!

    As someone in the customer service profession, lord knows how many times I have done the same. While women are a little more well behave than we are; would she had reacted the same if it was a woman looking a little longer at a man? If they would only understand that it is thousand of years of genetical information that we cant just reverse. I know that because lord knows how many times I have done it thinking, “don’t do it.. stop.. stop now..what if someone is watching.. ” But NO! Logic never wins against the force.

    And by the way, what kind of cruises are you on that someone would make you do that? That is not happening to me on my cruises (unless we dock in Monaco).

  60. Connie Noonan says:

    Hello, On August 10th my husband and I will saling on the Carnival Dream out of New Orleans. I had polio as a child and need to use a wheelchair some times. We booked an inside cabin and was wondering if there were cabins any better for people with disabilities. This is our third trip with Carnival and love you guys!!!

  61. Bill O'Steen says:

    John, My wife and I have loved all our carnival cruises, and have always used the Early Saver program. We are looking for our next cruise to leave from the west coast in late 2015. Why are there no scheduled west coast cruises for this time period yet? We are just 1 year from the 2015 Alaska cruise season, and they are usually up well before now.

  62. Richard says:

    I will be taking Cruise 13 on the valor in June and found the elegant night very disappointing. We spend a great amount of time to elegant and get ignored by the Cruise director and crew. “Butch” was THE grand host but subsequent directors seemed to puff up the title. last cruise: The freedom’s staff was great except the Director and entertainment section.

  63. Talliana says:

    We sailed Carnival three times now. We have had stewards on two cruises tell us that they are not allowed to empty the minifridge. On our last cruise the guy said did it after we had asked with no problems. If the steward will not empty the fridge I just took everything out and placed them in a large bag that I put in the top of the closet, then I put a sign on the fridge so that everyone knows not to refill our fridge. I don’t see why emptying the fridge is such a problem for them.

    • Bob V says:

      We’ll see you on June 17th.
      This will be our 3rd cruise with you as the CD.

      Thanks for the funny blog-thingy stories.

      Bob & Jackie

  64. Derwin Nelson says:

    Hello John,
    My wife and I are sailing out of Tampa on May 26, 2014 on a 5 day cruise celebrating our 8th wedding anniversary. We are very excited to be cruising with Carnival again, as this is our 4th cruise together, 3rd with Carnival.I just wanted to let you know we love Carnival and will be loyal customers for years to come.

  65. Joyce Stowers says:

    So excited, just booked a cruise from NO leaving July 17 on Elation. I decided I can’t take it with me, so to enjoy now and spend with the family while i’m still here. I’m an 8 year Air Force vet, and was happy to find out about the special rate for vets. Then not so happy to find out the Ship Credit that is advertised is not available to vets. With a $4k bill for two cabins, my ship credit is only $20. So it seems to me what really goes on is that it is presented as a discount to vets, but then they take the ship credit – so the net is that it really isn’t anything special at all. I begged for 3 comp soft drink comps for the kids, and could not even get that. Can you make any suggestions for me to feel like i’m getting something extra? I also am going to want the mini bar emptied for both cabins – don’t want any issues with the kids and the mini bar. Any other perks you can suggest for me to ask would be appreciated. It took 4 calls and 4 agents before i was able to tie it down, and seems like each one had someting different to say/offer. Makes you feel like it depends on who you get on the phone as to what you actually end up with.

  66. Ginger Smith says:

    Dear John,
    I have always wanted to say that… Just kidding. Anyway, back to my response. I am a woman who is comfortable enough to admit that I too would have stopped to take in the beauty.
    There are just some people who take everyone’s breath away. My fiance asked me today about your situation and, asked me if I would be mad at him for doing that. My response was. ” Of course not. I probably would have too.
    So, for somebody to try and make you feel ashamed for it is just trying to take advantage of you.
    Stand your ground. The people who deserve to get free things are the ones who respect not only you but, true beauty.

    Ginger Smith

  67. Beatrice McLarty says:

    John, my husband and I just came back from our first cruise on The Miracle, with you. We had a wonderful time and hope to take another cruise soon. Our vest vacation ever! Thank you, and all your crew. We were treated as family and made many new friends! Thank you!

  68. Joseph McCarry says:

    I say “BOLLOCKS” to the woman who thinks you were unprofessional. It was obvious the woman dressed for all the men to stare at her. I say stare all you want and if you have a camera, take a picture. “CRUISE ON”

  69. liz says:

    John We will be celebrating our 25th cruise with carnival June 7th on the Breeze. You asked how you could improve elegant night One step is to hold meet the captain & senior officers on the opposite side of where the pictures are being taken – there is always such gridlock of people wanting to meet the captain and those who want pictures
    taken. Also with luggage restrictions (and its related cost) it is hard to bring real dressy outfits and heels that won’t get “smashed” unless to carry them separate which is a charge. We are lucky enough to live in Florida now and can drive to any of the ports so luggage is not a restriction for us but this is what I have heard from our table mates throughout our cruises.

  70. stacy h says:

    i have amny concerns about the cruise i am on day 3 now but i get the run around when i ask guest services pleASE email me and i can tell you so you can direct me to the appropriate channel to get answers very upset cruiser!!!!

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