IF YOU COULD SEE ME NOW….AGAIN

June 27, 2014 -

John Heald

This past week, a gentleman posted on Facebook that, because the captain had decided that the winds were too strong for Carnival Liberty to safely dock in Roatan, it was……….drum roll please …………….”the cruise from hell.” Now while I have sympathy for anyone who misses a port, is it really the “cruise from hell?” ……..The worst vacation of their lives? Has this family never had massive arguments because no one remembered to pack the toothbrushes? Have their children not gotten car sick and vomited all over the rental car? Have the kids never fallen over while riding their bikes and spent two weeks screaming as Mum picks gravel out of their knees? Did they all remember their passports? Are none of the children so embarrassed by their parents’ summer outfits as their Dad wears the briefest of Speedos on the beach? Is the air-conditioning working perfectly in every car they have rented and every hotel bedroom they have stayed in? Did nobody get lazy about the sun cream because it was a bit cloudy and then blister like purple bubble wrap? Has Dad never drunk a few too many and spent rather too long talking to the lady on Lido in the G string and with breasts the size of beach balls? Has a camera has been lost? Or an eyephone dropped in a hot tub or maybe Mum and Dad want some rumpy pumpy in the tiny hotel room just for once………you little bastards ………….. it isn’t too much to ask. Can’t you just go and play on your own for a bit like other children?  (more…)

So it’s Tuesday, June 24, 2014, and I am sitting here in my underpants while the ship is docked in Victoria, BC, writing to you. Those underpants are quite baggy now because, yesterday, I finally reached the mark I have been working so hard on for the last seven months. Yep, I lost two pounds………..OK, two pounds plus another 50 pounds.  Yep, I have, as of today’s weight check, lost 52 pounds! Yipeee! Only another 50 to go. Oh FFS. (more…)

Medium – Rare

June 20, 2014 -

John Heald

It is very rare for me to get heckled. Not because I am so funny that nobody has the courage to take me on. Oh no, it’s just that the type of shows I do and the fact that most are audience participation-based, it most often never happens. So when I do get heckled it is something worth writing about. Two nights ago I came out to introduce the hypnotist and the moment I started talking about nice weather and what a glorious day it had been, the heckling started from a few rows back. It was nothing dramatic but stated with, “Stop talking, get on with the show, will ya?” The audience looked at him, some laughed nervously; most ignored him. I obviously could not, it had been loud and clear and I had no choice but to (more…)

John Heald…….Headhunter

June 17, 2014 -

John Heald

Motivating my flaccid arse to go to the Carnival Miracle’s gym is hard enough even though my cabin is on deck 8 and the gym is right above me on Deck 9. Sometimes the wait for the elevator is so frustrating. As a fat chap, I can feel at ease with myself in most walks of life but in a gym there is no disguising it. There are mirrors everywhere that shout, “Hey, you fat bastard about time you spent some time here.”  And that’s what the guests who use the gym are saying — “Look at our chubby CD.” Proof positive of this was yesterday when, on one of the exercise bikes, a male guest dripping with sweat stood next to me rubbed my stomach in a circular motion and said, “You have to start somewhere.” I nodded and smiled and had thoughts about tying his dangly bits to a weight and dropping it off Deck 9 of the atrium. (more…)

Teachers, Breeze and Simon

June 13, 2014 -

John Heald

So here we are, well into the school holidays with 481 guests under the age of 21. But it’s not the kids I want to talk about, it’s those that teach them because it’s their holiday time, too. As I sit here in my underpants writing to you, Carnival Miracle is sailing through the extraordinary beauty that is Tracy Arm Fjord and I can’t help but think about (more…)

Today we will start with the Q and A if that’s OK with you. ………..let’s crack on.

 

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I SCREAM ABOUT ICE CREAM

June 6, 2014 -

John Heald

If I was walking around the Carnival Miracle and saw someone indulging in antisocial behavior, such as sitting on Promenade Deck and putting their feet on one of the chairs or spitting that chewy tobacco stuff into a cup (both of which I have actually seen last cruise), I would simply roll my eyes and keep on walking. If it were something more serious, such as trying to pull a cowboy hat of some poor bugger’s head in the dining room, I would probably even say something. (more…)

SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES – OR DOES IT?

June 3, 2014 -

John Heald

My wife is amazing. She runs the house, takes care of my five-year-old daughter and my huge mailman-eating dog, Breeze. She does not have me in her life to help her with any of that because I am sitting here on the Carnival Miracle, in Seattle, wearing only my underpants, writing to you. Yep, she does a terrific job and some may ask how she manages without a man around the house and the answer is simply that, apart from providing a salary, love for my daughter, a walk for my dog and, if it’s November 14, three minutes of rumpy pumpy for Heidi. (more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.