Teachers, Breeze and Simon

June 13, 2014 -

John Heald

So here we are, well into the school holidays with 481 guests under the age of 21. But it’s not the kids I want to talk about, it’s those that teach them because it’s their holiday time, too. As I sit here in my underpants writing to you, Carnival Miracle is sailing through the extraordinary beauty that is Tracy Arm Fjord and I can’t help but think about my geography teacher at Shoeburyness School, Caulfield Road, Essex who I remember teaching us about Alaska when I was a spotty 15 year old.

Her name was Mrs. Miller — or Miller the Mole — as we used to call her out of ear shot. We called her that because Mrs. Miller had a huge mole on her face with three hairs protruding from it that used to give me nightmares. I would like to say a few nice things about Mrs. Miller …….. but I can’t…..she was a tyrant who used her ugliness to scare us kids and we were 15 years old at the time. This was back in the day when teachers could, if they wanted, practice corporal punishment to advance their education. Today, a teacher just has to look at a kid in the wrong way and the teacher is immediately fired and burnt at the stake. Mrs. Miller used her chalkboard eraser to hit us over the head with when we spoke out of turn. Her biggest pet hate was yawning and anyone of us who yawned, would receive the good news with the chalk board eraser.…..I became great friends with it and can still feel her rancid breath on me as she shouted in my face “Heald, did you just yawn?” and then her huge hand would bring the eraser for a close up meeting with my head.

She was though not the worst teacher because there was one who we all feared………and his name was Mr. Wakenen–Reynolds, the double barreled bastard! He taught biology and his favorite weapon of choice was a slipper, an old leather thing which probably belonged to his great grandfather and which he used on our bottoms whenever he could. I would like to say that his strictness caused us to listen and learn more ….but it didn’t ….it just made me hate biology and it’s his fault that until the age of 16, I thought babies really were delivered by a stork.

I realise that teachers can only take cruises when the schools are out and normally that means prices are higher. So please join me in thanking them because we all have a teacher who we remember who made a difference in our lives. Yep, the mole and the double-barreled bastard were the exception because most of my teachers were simply brilliant. Teachers can, and do, change lives. They can determine the life you lead. They can influence career choices. They can inspire. I have so much respect for teachers who, despite all the issues today, endure and succeed. Teaching truly is a vocation and a really wonderful teacher can have a profoundly positive influence on the children that pass through the classroom. My dad was a teacher. I know how hard he worked and how little he was paid and at his funeral, so many past pupils came to say goodbye. I was so sad that day and so proud too.

I am sure all of us can think of one now who made a difference in our lives. I have two. Mrs. Bright whose history classes were full of excitement and whose care for her pupils was extraordinary. And then there was Miss Grover, our drama teacher……. who had breasts bigger than my head.

Time for today’s Q and A…………..let’s crack on

Pamela Montano asks:
If I have a medical certificate from my doctor in Denver will Carnival allow me to bring on marijuana which I use for medical pain relief? Please reply as my cruise is soon.

John says:
Hello Pamela Montano

The simple answer here is “no.” I am sorry, Pamela, but I am afraid that under no circumstances do we allow this on our ships. Please do ask me if you have any other questions. Best wishes and have a great time.


Julie asks:
My family and I are going to be sailing on Carnival Inspiration June 30, 2014. I hear that we should expect a large number of children on that cruise, it that correct? How many children should we expect? I myself am traveling with four children between four and 14. I was wondering if there is a limit on the number of children allowed in Camp Carnival? We are taking a cruise so that it is a REAL vacation, meaning our kids can have fun in the kids club while we enjoy some adult time (at least a couple hours a day, anyway). We would be very disappointed if Camp Carnival was closed, because it was too full of kids.  Thank you.

John says:
Hello Julie

Please, do not worry. We would not refuse any children from taking part and attending our wonderful Camp Carnival activities. I am sure they will meet new friends, have fun and meanwhile you will be able to relax and enjoy the cruise knowing this. Have a great cruise and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Best wishes.


Simon asks:
Today you said many people agree that a good cruise director can make a cruise even more special. As usual, you are full of yourself, Heald, because not everyone agrees!!!!


Check out how many of your passengers think the opposite. Cruise directors are overpaid sales people with their constant nickel and diming announcements. Carnival should pay attention to what’s written here and get rid of you and all of them and spend the money on steel drum music on Lido Deck or better shows. Make sure you read the comment about your ageing boring material because it shines a different light on you than the, “I am brilliant, please love me ” one you force feed us every day. Time to move on, Heald. You are one of my 10 reasons why I have never and will never cruise with Carnival.

John says:
Hello Simon

Thanks so much for writing and I agree that not everyone appreciates what we do but I think it is safe to say the very vast majority do. I did not read the entire link but amongst the comments I noticed some praise for the cruise directors, as well. We certainly do have announcements but really have tried to limit them in recent years. I hope to sail with you one day and if there is anything I can help you with, please do ask me.  Best wishes.


Celia Fairbanks asks:
My husband and I sailed with you for the first time back in June 2007 to the beautiful Mediterranean. We were very impressed with our time on your ship, Carnival Freedom. We enjoyed our lovely dinners and shore excursions, as well as our immaculately clean room. For our second cruise, we sailed with Princess Cruises. We chose them only because you had limited cruises to the Mediterranean. My question is this, “Are you discontinuing cruises to the Mediterranean?” If so why? Thanks.

John says:
Hello Celia Fairbanks

I, too, have many wonderful memories of our time in Europe on Carnival Freedom. Carnival sources most of its guests from North America and there are some issues about the cost of flights to get to Europe to join the ship. So for this year and next we do not have plans to be there. Hopefully, that will change one day as we receive really great feedback on these voyages. It would be great to see you again. Best wishes.


Kerry Landewe asks:
Sailing on the Carnival Glory July 12, 2014 cruise me and my wife and two daughters will be there. My daughter Destiny was part of the University of Minnesota Team that will represent the 2014 International Cheer Union Championship. The ship’s passengers would greatly enjoy and benefit from seeing her performance. Can you arrange this on one of the big show nights!!!!!!!! She is destined for great things and living up to the name we gave her. It would be an awesome highlight definitely!! Thank you.

John says:
Hello Kerry

Congratulations on your daughter’s achievements and I am sure you must be very proud of both your girls. The ship has a talent show on the Friday night of your cruise and so I do encourage Destiny to sign up and take part. I am sure the guests will enjoy seeing her talents and I wish you all the very best of times together on this great ship.  Best wishes.


Robert Heslop asks:
John: Please. Stop saying you have “diabetes” when you mean type 2 diabetes. Stop writing that. Type 1 and type 2 are so different in causes and treatments that merging them into one disease is wrong and shows you have a clear lack of understanding of the disease.

John says:
Hello Robert Heslop

My apologies, I am obviously aware of the differences between type 1 and type 2 diabetes and I apologise if it caused you any offence. Best wishes.


Trish Sokoloski asks:
Hi John; My husband and I will be sailing on the January 18, 2015 Carnival Conquest cruise. I understand this cruise will have a 9 pm departure time as it is traveling from Miami to FLL. I am wondering if you have any idea if the dining times for that first night will be modified? I am also considering booking the steakhouse and wondering what time would be the best time to book on that first night? Thanks for your help John, it is much appreciated!

John says:
Hello Trish Sokoloski

While it is too early to say for sure I do not believe that the ship will alter from the regular early, late and Your Time Dining times as this is something we always try to avoid when we can. Please check back with me in December and I will have a definitive answer for you. Have a great cruise. Best wishes.


Alysia Wolf asks:
John: I cannot thank you enough for your blogs and daily postings on Facebook. I especially appreciated your hilarity this week. On Monday, June 6, I had outpatient surgery. Less than 12 hours later, while still in great pain, I was at my vet’s office saying goodbye to my sweet furry companion. My dog, Abby, was the sweetest fuzzball ever and to lose her the very day I was having a surgery… Well, it was just a horrible day.  That night, reading your blog and some of your Facebook posts, took me from just tears to tears with laughter. Today it is mostly just
laughter. Please keep up your awesome and hilarious details of current guests (the lady a couple cruises ago who called you a sexist pig for having the nerve to look at another gorgeous women cracks me the heck up) and what is going on throughout the ship. Some days reading your posts are what get me through some days. It certainly helped the night of my double whammy sad day June 2. You and your humor are one reason I love Carnival so much – of course, the rest of the Carnival staff are a big reason as well. I sure hope one day we can cruise with you as our CD. I think that would be a hilariously awesome cruise!

John says:
Hello Alysia Wolf

I am so sorry to read of the loss of your beloved Abby. I hope you are able to cling on to the wonderful memories of your friendship together. Thank you also for your kind words, they mean so very much and I hope that one day we shall meet on board one of our ships. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you and I appreciate so much this lovely post. Best wishes.


Annette asks:
Hi….Our family will be on the Carnival Splendor the week of Thanksgiving. We will have my 17- month-old grand baby with us. I know the rules on no children in pools that aren’t potty trained even with swimmer diapers. I did notice in a picture I saw on the Internet that there is a little water play area for little ones but I am hearing that it is rarely open. Can you please find out the hours of operation and if it is open every day? Thank you so much. I met you briefly as my husband and I were headed into brunch on the Sunshine the week before your Blogger’s cruise. We hope to cruise with you as our CD one day.

John says:
Hello Annette

Thanks for writing. Carnival Splendor does indeed have a brilliant splash park for kids and it’s open from 8 am – 8 pm. I hope you have the best of times and if there is anything at all i can do for you or the family, please do let me know. Best wishes to you all.


Kyle Ramin asks:
John: I just wanted to drop you a note to thank you for the wonderful time I had on your Alaskan cruise that sailed on May 27. It was my first cruise and I am now convinced that cruising is the best way to enjoy a vacation. I don’t know if you are the person that should be made aware
of this or not but I would like to say that my stateroom steward, Roy, the lady bartender with braces from Thailand in the piano bar, and the hostess whom directs where you sit in the Level 3 Bacchus Dining Room were exceptional in how they treated me all week. I will definitely
cruise with Carnival again.

John says:
Hello Kyle Ramin

It was a pleasure to host you here on the Carnival Miracle and thanks so very much for taking the time to write. I will make sure that those crew members you mentioned see your words of praise and they will be thrilled. I hope we see you soon and that this was the first of many cruises.

Best wishes.


Janis Doliente asks:
John: I suggest you think again before promoting the use of hand sanitizers on your ship. You made references to this during our cruise in Alaska. Hand sanitizers do more harm than good. Research by UCLA found that triclosan caused some bacteria to become resistant to commonly used antibiotics. Antimicrobial washes kill both harmful and helpful bacteria. Many experts believe that the overuse of cleaning products dulls the immune system to the point that it no longer knows how to fight bacteria!!!!! Suggestion: Read more before giving your passengers seriously wrong and harmful information.

John says:
Hello Janis Doliente

I do hope you had a wonderful time in Alaska and enjoyed the cruise. The announcements I make are obviously to help avoid any gastro illness and I do make a point of stating that the use of hand sanitisers complements the frequent washing of hands with warm water and soap which remains the best way to avoid getting sick. This information comes from our medical center and the doctors and nurses that work there and obviously I respect their opinions and advice. Thank you for pointing this out and I will pass it on to the ship’s medical center. Hope we see you soon. Best wishes.


And that’s all for today. My thanks to the hundreds of you who competed on the blog I had written about Connor. They were inspiring and gracious and I will make sure his parents see them all. Hopefully, they will help the healing process.

I really can’t get over Simon’s post. I am guessing that he is brand loyal to another cruise line which, of course, is fine. I suppose that in the days when your local shopkeeper knew your name and there were just a few makes of most things to choose to buy, “brand loyalty” made sense. Now we live in a world of huge corporations and multiple choices. It is a rare thing………no matter how many loyalty cards you have in your wallet.

It seems Simon may be brand loyal to maybe RCI, Celebrity or NCL, Princess, Costa, Holland America or another line ………….but please ……. be loyal based on the merits of these cruise lines not the possible faults of others. But I do not feel the need to defend any of Simon’s comments when he says…… “I will never cruise with Carnival.”

I guess I am a little confused as to why Simon felt the need to write this comment. I dislike Desperate Housewives of New Orange County immensely. I know this because my wife made me watch a few episodes and I based my opinion on that. Even so, I have never felt the need to write to the producers and tell them that I would rather watch a maggot crawl out of the arse of a yak in slow motion ……….then ever watch that program ever again. And why, oh why, if Simon dislikes me does he read this sodding blog? Please, can a smart person explain that to me? Still, I must not take it personally. Must be professional.

Let’s move on. After weeks of mumming and ahhhhging, my wife and I have finally decided that our dog Breeze should have his bollocks snipped……..I think the medical term is neutered, right? Not a very fetching sentence to read, I’m sure, and not particularly pleasant to write, either. Few sights are more guilt-inducing than your poor German Shepherd gazing in bewilderment and wondering why someone has put plastic lampshade around his head.

Poor Breeze, I bet it’s painful and unpleasant and it’s not cheap to have it done either. I wonder though if the vet will give me a two-for-one coupon so I can get Simon done, as well?

Bugger…………..so much for me being professional.


Your friend,

Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

55 Responses to Teachers, Breeze and Simon

  1. Ralph says:

    Thank you for vowing never to sail with Carnival. Myself and others won’t have to put up with your childish, inane ramblings. Now..go back to reading Cruise Critic….until Mommy tells you to “Go night night Simon”!!

  2. Pat DeWald says:

    Bravo to your decision to neuter your dog (not the ship of the same name) Breeze. Research has shown that animals who have been neutered or spayed have a longer life span and a more relaxed attitude about life in general. No more hormone-induced chasing of skirts, as they say.

  3. Jenn says:

    Hahahaha! Since posting this, seems like the thread has switched momentum!

    I think the CD can make a cruise but not break it. We have had horrible CDs (Jacques comes to mind where his assistant really did the work) and awesome ones, Like Butch and Six-three!!! Who make every activity fun so you want to be more involved…

    If we don’t like the CD, we don’t go to the events s/he hosts but instead go to other ones!

  4. Chris Jacobs says:


    Please stop saying underpants!! Everyone knows there are two types of dirty underpants, Type 1 & Type 2 and there is a vast difference between the two!!!
    The causes and treatments for them are vastly different….unless of course you have both Type 1 & 2 at the same time.

    Thank you & have a brilliant day!

  5. Gail Dittbrenner says:

    John, I chuckled as I read of 2 of your previous teachers and thought back to when I was in first grade and scared to death of the nun who taught the class. My daughter and I have been teaching for the last 29 and 39 years respectively. We love seeing our kids come back and see us and feel like we are like your Mrs. Bright and your Dad in our love for our kids.

  6. Kathy T. says:

    Some people like to complain all the time because it makes them feel superior to others. I just laugh at them because they are totally clueless about what big blow-hards they are.
    Keep on doing what you do, John. If people don’t like it, they can go away.

  7. John Masalko says:

    Hi John,
    We are sailing on Sunshine 06/21/14. You will be pleased to know, that I’m not writing to ask for a special table of for you to put my spoiled kid on stage or for the chef to create a special menu just for me or any other number of assigning request you get on a regular basis. I am writing to say that we sailed on Destiny and we are really looking forward to seeing all of the upgrades on the ship now known as Sunshine. Destiny was my favorite ship until we sailed on the Breeze. I just love the new 2.0 upgrades. Cheers my friend, John

  8. Don Lasater says:

    Simon needs to pull the bug out his arse and go read something else. He will never sail with Carnival and yet he appears to read your blog? He is one of those who like to bring good people down and I would not give his comments a second thought.

    Thank you John.

  9. Dee says:

    Wow, how do you deal with all of the stupidity and just plain idiocy that is thrown your way?

    I’d prefer Simon and people like him stay off of Carnival cruises as I don’t like to sail with a bunch of complainers.

    While I’m sure Kerry thinks her daughter is amazingly talented, thank you for directing her to the talent show instead of indulging her request to force her daughter’s “talent” on all of us during one of the main performances. I avoid the talent shows because, no, I don’t think your kid is cute/funny/sings well.

    Now, the nasty Robert chap who wants you to stop saying you have diabetes because of which type you have…Type 1 AND Type 2 are BOTH diabetes. Yes, different TYPES of diabetes but still BOTH diabetes. He is a moron who should crawl back under his rock.

    Keep on being you. Most of us adore reading your musings. The ones who complain, well, they obviously like to complain so keep doing what you’re doing so they can be happy to have something to complain about!

  10. Debby Barnes says:

    If one has had bariatric surgery, do special dining arrangements have to be made? I didn’t know if it would be possible to order very small portions. Thank you for being our “live” link to Carnival. I tried two other cruise lines but once I tried Carnival I knew I would never sail with another line, and I am proud to bring new cruisers with me, it is indeed a joy!

    • Janey Winford says:

      Debby, my sister and I have both had bariatric surgery and have sailed at least a dozen times since then.

      They will not serve smaller portions or even split a plate back in the kitchen. We’ve found success in ordering wisely….we rarely eat bread before the meal, we choose a soup for a starter instead of something more bulky, and for our entrée we often choose fish because it’s lighter than a piece of meat or chicken…….neither of us are big dessert eaters and don’t eat them often, but sometimes I will just order some sherbet or we’ll order 1 WCMC and 1 cheese/fruit plate and share them like a fondue…….

    • Janet Armstrong says:

      I had bariatric surgery 9 years ago… it’s al about choices. No need for a special menu.,,, They have protein and healthy choices.

  11. Rodger says:

    Why does an A-hole like Simon even read your blog is he doesn’t like you or Carnival. Obviously has issues and should seek a mental evaluation sooner than later.

  12. Carol Hume says:

    John, just a quick note to say don’t worry at all by jerks like Simon. I’m with you on if you don’t like it don’t read it and by the way we had a fabulous time cursing with you on May 27. By far the most beautiful cruise (out of 12) that we have been on. Another thing, congratulations on being a responsible pet owner by having Breeze neutered. There are way to many unwanted and abused pets in this world. This coming from the terrible person who forgot to pick up her dog from the groomer this morning and now my husband is a little pissed at me because he has to stop and get him (because his day wasn’t bust enough) opps, I hate when my brain decides to quit working. lol

  13. steves542 says:

    I can only hope Simon, Robert Heslop and Janis go on a cruise together. May I suggest White Star Line, they have a new ship going on its first voyage to New York.

  14. Jeff Norris says:

    Hi John
    Like you, I am also a diabetic. I have diabetes and that is what I tell someone if the topic pops up in conversation. A majority of the people I run into are clueless about diabetes and further clueless about the differences between Type 1 and Type 2. Unless the person enquires further as to which type I let it stop at “I am a diabetic”. As 90+% of diabetics are Type 2 you should be entitled to use the word diabetes/ diabetic as you wish. For the record I fall into the minority group of Type 1 diabetics and take no offense at being lumped in with type 2. The bottom line for us all is that we all need to take great care of ourselves, though the treatments may be different, to ensure a healthy normal life as possible. Good luck with your efforts towards controlling yours. Best wishes Jeff

  15. Martha says:

    John, You have the right to not disclose the type of diabetes that you have. Absolutely ridiculous for someone to say otherwise.
    And kudos for getting Breeze neutered. You will extend his life expectancy.

  16. Steve says:

    In reply to Simon the Dork.
    I have to agree that the job most evident for a Cruise Director seems to be selling and barking. However, there is a huge difference between a Good, average and lousy Cruise Director. I have been on hundreds of cruises. And I can tell you that some CDs (Cruise Directors)you never see except on stage and hear on the loud speakers. They run from all guests, never return calls or inquiries and are boring and even rude standing on the guest line. I have seen these CDs on every cruise line in the US! A good CD will make you feel like a Diamond guest even though your card is red and a Diamond guest feel like an owner. He is funny and friendly all the time. Helps with guest issues, is witty and fun to talk with and always has clean panties when he is sitting around. Unlike the beards who don’t wear panties (which is why they are moody and chafed all the time). He is the face of the cruise line and makes you want to come back, even though he is required to sell sell sell.

  17. JAGL says:

    Dear Simon,
    If you dislike Carnival so much please tell me why are you reading John’s blog? I don’t understand why you and your fellow cruise critic friends feel the need to be so negative & rude !!!!!! You have many cruise lines to choose from and they ALL have cruise directors that make announcements. So please do us all a favor stop reading the blog and sharing your negative CC links a take your bad behavior to another line. I’m so, so tired of CC members thinking they are entitled to special treatment. Anyone can sign up. YOUR NOT SPECIAL !!!!!!!!!!!

  18. Rosalynn Kuhn says:

    John, You couldn’t get a 2 for 1 coupon to have Simon done also. He doesn’t have any!

  19. Randy Fisher says:

    It is very interesting that Simon spends the time reading your blog and writing to you eventhough he hates cd’s. People need to get a life and let loose a little.

  20. Barb says:

    John, I understand your confusion about “Simon” Absolutely do not take his comments personally. Some folks are just so unhappy and miserable they want to attempt to make someone else feel their pain and misery. I personally am so thankful that he will never cruise on Carnival.

    And Simon……..get a life!

  21. Jim Munkittrick says:

    I have always thought that those that defend one cruise line over another is based on defending their own spending decision…I concur, her needs to accompany your dog, but why waste the sedative, he is tough and can do it without pain killers!

  22. Eileene says:

    John, please stay as “professional” as you are… it makes for great reading!

  23. Nancy McQuarrie says:

    John, you do a great job, and I really enjoy your fb page and blog. You are absolutely correct – if Simon doesn’t like your writings, why does he read it? Pass on the things he doesn’t like, and just be quiet about it. His rudeness certainly won’t sway anyone to his opinions! Like my mom taught me at a very young age, “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.”

  24. Jeff Reese says:

    Robert Heslop the reason John shouldn’t have to go into detail on his ailments it should be good enough for him to say he is diabetic. because he only states that he is diabetic to explain why he doesn’t eat sweets. As far as I have ever known type 1 or type 2 Sugar is a NONO. so get off your high horse. and try looking at what you are reading and as far as some one else’s health goes take what they tell you and from there it is really none of your business. It is one thing to wish them well but to give them a bollocking for not describing their ailment to your standard is for the birds. It doesn’t mean he is lacking in knowledge of the disease it just means he doesn’t wish to discuss the extent in general public. And as far as Simple Simon goes if you don’t like Carnival don’t sail Carnival If you don’t like the Blog don’t read it.

  25. Lucinda says:

    John, I look forward to reading your posts regularly. They always put a smile on my face. I am booked on the conquest the 20th of July. My sister is getting married on board. 20 of us will be enjoying the ship. Since my sister is such a character. I was wondering if we can put her on blast.. By the way, what is this reference for your alter ego Lucinda

  26. Craig Harvey says:

    It really does amaze me when people post crap like Simon did. If he is never going to sail on a Carnival ship, then he has no worries about having you (or anyone else) as a CD. We have sailed 7 times so far, we have had some ok CD’s, and we have also had a great CD named Jen Baxter (who lives near me Mums hometown of Lincoln). Bottom line is that we have yet to have a bad cruise, we have enjoyed them all. Thank You for all that the CD’s do on a daily basis for us, and we are looking forward to our next cruise Oct 12th on the Magic.

  27. Debra says:

    Simon is a bully. Numbers speak for themselves. How many guest have sailed with Carnival? How many follow John’s Blog & FB page? Thankfully, my next cruise I know Simon won’t be sailing with us.

  28. grizel robertson says:

    Simon, you need to waken up to reality instead of living in the dream world of Cruise Critic. Why are so many CC members so jealous of John Heald’s popularity? I am a Brit who has embarked on over 30 cruises with Carnival and JH did not sell the product to me. In contrast, he has enhanced my cruising experiences through his Bloggers’ cruises where like minded folks meet annually to renew friendships, make new friends and enjoy John’s sense of humour – we come from both sides of the Atlantic. I suggest that you go back to the drawing board and redraft your pitiful message!

  29. Reenea Ehle says:

    Omg! U freaking crack me up! I thought the same thing about simon. If he doesn’t like carnival or you why would he be interested in your blog? I, for one, love both! Btw John, I have voted for your blog several times and you are way in the lead. That tells me that Simon doesn’t know what he’s talking about! Go Carnival! Go john!

  30. Tammy says:

    Hi John – there is no cure for stupidity and it seems that Simon fits this category. Having never been on a Carnival Cruise he is only getting information from a third party and like everything else, take it with a grain of salt. I agree with the others also when I wonder why he is reading your blogs but has never and no intentions of experiencing a cruise. The age of technology has afforded us several positive things but one negative is the ability to criticize and judge sitting in front of a computer screen where that person does not have to justify their comments. Keep up the awesome work and, as always, smile – and thank them for commenting. :>)))

  31. Robyn says:

    Hi John, it would be wonderful if Carnival would consider giving a discount to teachers! Thank You for all the nice comments you made, seriously appreciated, it’s for the most part a pretty thankless job these days.

  32. Gail Gerard says:

    Thanks for this wonderful post. Teachers in this country (by which I mean the US) don’t get paid enough for the hard work they do. My son is special needs–ADHD, Asperger’s, anxiety and a whole host of other issues on top of that. His teachers have been patient, kind, wonderful, caring, inventive women who have always gone above and beyond to make sure that the classroom is a friendly, welcoming place where my son and others can learn and work in whatever way is most effective for them. I cannot praise them high enough.

    Second..the person who was griping about the usage of the word “diabetes”–GROW UP and stop nitpicking. Yes, there is Type I and Type II, but they are both commonly know as Diabetes.

    Third–I didn’t get why Simon needed to dig it in a little more about how he’ll never cruise with Carnival. Fine. Stay away. We’ll have more fun without you, Simon!

  33. Robert says:

    Hi John,

    I have a suggestion that I think would prove very popular with guests. You should enter into a partnership with FedEx or a similar service that would allow guests to ship boxes directly from the ship on port days.

    The reason I think this would prove popular is that when I travel (and I know I’m not alone in this practice) I like to ship my dirty clothes home before leaving for home myself. This frees up tremendous amounts of room in my luggage and I can usually collapse one bag and put it in another, making travel that much easier. I also don’t have to worry about the TSA sorting through my dirty underwear.

    Pretty much every hotel these days has a business center where you can get shipping materials and drop off shipments. It would be great if we could box up our dirty laundry the night before disembarkation and simply take it to Guest Services with the knowledge that it would be on its way once we were in port.

  34. James Eager says:

    Robert Heslop asks:
    John: Please. Stop saying you have “diabetes” when you mean type 2 diabetes. Stop writing that. Type 1 and type 2 are so different in causes and treatments that merging them into one disease is wrong and shows you have a clear lack of understanding of the disease.

    Having watched my mother suffer with Type 1 from before I was born until her early death and now suffering from type 2 myself, I say, get over yourself Robert Heslop. You know nothing of what diabetics of both types suffered those years ago. The cause is the same, failure of the pancreous cells, whether all at once as in type 1, or gradually as in type 2. As for treatment, many times the treatment is the same, many times not. That is between you and your doctor. So John – you have diabetis, not type 1 and not type 2, but diabetis. And for the totally ignorant, there is NOTHING in diabetis that is caused by either overeating, or eating the wrong foods. It is GENETIC in nature. A trauma to the system activates it early as type 1, vs age for type 2. My mother and my brother had such traumas, I did not, so I am type 2, they were and are type 1. This surprised me, as I figured surviving cancer would had triggered type 1 early, but it did not.

  35. Derrick says:


    Thank you for the words about teachers. I am not a teacher, but many of my family and friends are. I thank them and I am very proud to know them. I also wanted to tell you I was on the Miracle cruise to Alaska. It was a great time. You were a big part of that. While on the deck getting safety instruction, many people were talking about you. Everyone said you were great and we would have fun. One couple said that was the reason they were on the ship. I know part of entrainment is selling something. However, you allowed the passengers to choose. People need to understand that this is a business and sales are apart of that. I felt you enjoyed your job and enjoyed people. Every crew member on the ship was great. I told my wife, I would give the cruise a 10 if you took the rude passengers off. I can’t how many people I saw littering even in Glacier Bay. I want to thank you for everything you and your crew did for us. I know they worked hard. Since them my wife and I have decided to go to southern carribeans. Will you on a cruise in that area?

  36. Vickie Hickman says:

    I adore you. How hard it must be to be so nice to so many idiots. Do you have little bite marks in your tongue from biting it so often. To say, “I hope to sail with you one day” to a complete douchebag who just sat and criticized you is a magnificent skill.I am a nurse and often have to do similar things with family members and patients too. I’m sorry that your juice doesn’t have enough ice in it, I was concentrating on keeping your grandpa’s heart beating. Ugh! You make me smile. You inspire me. Keep it up, and don’t let the buggers get you down, John.

  37. Kindergarten Teacher says:

    Perhaps the beards should consider a special rate for teachers on sailings offered during the summer. That would definitely be an incentive for me. You know we don’t make as much money as we should and cruising is not the least expensive vacation option. My husband and I are both teachers and we love to cruise with Carnival, a special rate would allow us to cruise more frequently.

  38. Steven Johnson says:

    John, you showed a lot of class with that rude Simon. That letter from Alysia was affirmation of how many people appreciate and see you as a dear friend. Even though most of us including myself have never sailed with you. Hope to in the future. Keep looking for those angels mate!

  39. Janet Armstrong says:

    Just wanted to make a comment about my recent responses to the post-cruise survey. I had absolutely no complaints about the service or accommodations. That being said, I went with a bunch of 20 and 30 somethings and would prefer a somewhat “older” crowd.. Not bad, but not my first choice. Hopefully I didn’t get anybody in trouble!! We had a blast…

  40. Michael says:

    Someon should tell Janis that she is an idiot. Hand sanitizer uses alcohol to kill germs, not triclosan. I for one have never seen a hand sanitizer with triclosan as an ingredient.

    I would mention however, that it has been shown that hand sanitizer will not kill the norovirus, and that the best way to do that is with a thorough hand washing for the full 20 seconds recommended.

  41. My daughter has worked on four Carnival ships and forwarded the link to your blog. My wife and I have been on one cruise and plan others in the future. I appreciate your candid and direct writing style. You address issues straight on instead of the usual evasiveness and end-runs that have become commonplace.We’re planning on a Panama Canal cruise soon, and we’ll give Carnival due consideration.
    My time travel/action/adventure/romance novel ‘The White Limousine’ will be published soon.Learn more at johnrpaterson.com

  42. Rochelle Brown says:

    Robert Heslop. For your information, sometimes there is NO Difference between type 1 and type 2 diabetes. I am type 2 and on an insulin pump. The only reason I am classified as type 2 is that I was not born with diabetes, it started as gestational diabetes and it never went away. Without the pump, I am on 5 shots of insulin per day. A diabetic is a diabetic regardless of what type.

  43. Madeline says:

    Wow I completely disagree with Simon. Cruise Directors make a fun cruise all that more awesome. I’ve been lucky to have great cruise directors and assistant cruise directors who get the fun going and keep it going the whole trip.

    Thanks for the message about teachers!!!

  44. Evann englert says:

    Hey john!
    First I wanted to say thanks for the blog! Love watching it while I’m not cruising! Second I wanted to say how much I enjoyed my march 30th sailing on the conquest! But that’s not why I wrote you. I was just wondering if crew members had to go their full contract without seeing their family. Do they get a discount or something for their family to stay on the ship. Are your wife and daughter going to join you anytime on the miracle? Thanks for your time!

  45. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    The answer to your question (why does Simon read your Blog) is simple.

    He is an insecure child who tries to bolster his limited self esteem off the opinions of similar folks who are jealous of your success and the success of Carnival.

    Linda (Mom of your friend ~ loving his new home~ DJ)

  46. Diane says:

    John, If Carnival is under the same corpation as, let’s say, Holland American, Shouldn’t the cruise times, mileages or what have you count towards the total?

  47. kruiserkaren says:

    Oh my! Such a fun blog tonight. Simon obviously sails only with the Troll Line. Silly sod. For someone who professes to dislike you and all things Carnival, he certainly expended a fair bit of energy by both reading AND responding to your blog. Confused chap.
    And Robert … silly sod #2. Yep, there is more than one type of diabetes (and, Mr. Lack of Understanding, there are also more than 2 types – just FYI!) But both the Type 1 and the Type 2 diabetes are, in fact, diabetes…. hence calling them “Type 1 and Type 2”. Perhaps you need a clearer understanding of the English language?
    Thanks for today’s giggles.

  48. Alan Radomski says:

    Hi John, I was to supposed to on the kiddie(school out) cruise. I heard the Miracle is skipping a port in Alaska due to a maintenance problem. I will be sailing with RCCL. Sorry. My friends call me Mr Carnival. I will be sailing with CCL again, many times. But not on a maintenance needed ship. Alan

  49. Dallas says:

    HEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY!!! THANK YOU! I am a teacher and this CRACKED me up. I AM SOOOOO excited about taking a cruise with 3 generations of my family in NINE days on the freedom! I am a kindergarten teacher and my mom is as well and we will both get to cruise together – YAY! Yes, this is when we are able to take time with our families and YES everything is much more expensive in the summer. Still, I cherish the time that I have to spend with my sweet family and children in the REST I find in summer! Teaching is DEFINITELY a work of HEART! 🙂 Thanks for thinking of us! 🙂 🙂 🙂

    (also my mom and I are as excited as my kids to get to experience Seuss at Sea I practically have The Cat in the Hat memorized at this point)

  50. Dolly De La Garza says:

    John I was just on the June17-24 trip to Alaska on the Miracle and I loved every moment of it. I really enjoyed your humor, it made the trip. I have to share a funny story, I attended one of your shows and when everyone agreed to have you do an all call in the cabins if you saw the Northern Lights on the trip. Well I was dead asleep and heard a loud voice in my cabin. I thought I rolled over on the remote control. Then I remembered the Northern Lights. I jumped out of bed threw on a robe and out on deck in my bare feet. I saw several crew members looking off into the ocean and I asked if they could see the”lights”. They all just looked at me really strange, so I just kept looking off in the sky. I figured I must have missed them, so I returned to my cabin. Then when the second call came explaining what had happened, I knew the crew must have thought I was crazy. One of my finer blonde moments lol
    By way I am a teacher and you could not have said it better, just loved reading your post today, thank you! It is a more expensive time of year, but this trip was so worth it! Thanks again for all you do!!

  51. Myrt Quinlan says:

    John, i have been on 3 cruises and my husband and I together only 2. We are taking our next cruise in 2015 on the Splendor. We are all about the entertainment, music and all the shows. We had a much better cruise the 2nd time and it was all because the cruise director and asst were so involved with everyone!! So I know that you guys make a big difference on the cruise.
    p.s. we have not sailed with you.

  52. Maranda Greer says:

    I really enjoyed reading this blog. I am a second year teacher and I hope that one day I have students that remember something unique about me, but more importantly I hope they remember how much love I have for them. Someday maybe they will realize that even under all the “hard work” I make them do it is because I want them to grow up and have the ability to do whatever they desire. I am heading out on 7/27 for a last minute vacation before school starts back as well as to celebrate my wedding anniversary!

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