The People I Met Last Cruise

July 1, 2014 -

John Heald

This past week I have been talking about Mrs. Robinson and her daughter on Facebook and had forgotten to tell you about some other people who were with us this past cruise. Yep, they were at my travel talk, they were in the dining room and apparently according to the shore excursion manager, they were on the Best of Juneau tour. Who am I talking about? The answer is Star Trek officers dressed in full original costumes, gold, blue and “you’re completely ***** red.”  Yes, indeed, last cruise we had four diehard Trekkies on the ship and if you’re reading this I salute you with that Spock thingy salute. I really hope you had fun. They reminded me of a charter cruise I will never forget. No, not that charter where I hid in my cabin for seven days while herds of guests stalked the corridors all wearing “I have lost 50 pounds — ask me how” badges trying to find my fat arse and shove a selection of teas up it.

No, this was a Star Trek convention we had on Carnival Sensation back in the mid 90′s. We had stars from the original series, the Next Generation and Deep Space Nine. Most of them, as I remember, were a bit quiet and couldn’t seem to wait to get out of the public areas and hide in their cabins. The only exceptions to the rule were Michelle Nicholas who played the radio operator, Lieutenant Ahwhorea or something like that, and an actor called John De Lancie who played Q. He was brilliant and we spent the week smoking cigars together.

My favorite memory of the cruise was watching Captain Gavino’s face on the then formal night. We stood at the entrance to the main lounge at the captain’s party and, instead of welcoming elegant ladies in flowing gowns and smartly dressed men in tuxedos…. …..we welcomed Cardasians, Klingons, Romulans and the blue-skinned ones whose name I am not enough of a Trekkie to remember. There were Starship captains who truly believed they were ……… ummm …… Starship captains and Vulcans who instead of shaking Captain Gavino’s hand would approach him and give him the Vulcan salute while saying, “live long and prosper.” I guess Star Trek is not so popular in Italy because poor old Captain Gavino looked like an Amish guy in an Apple store.

Seriously, though, some of the passengers truly thought that the actors were really the characters they played if you know what I mean. At the Q&A sessions, guests would ask one of the actors, “When you were on the planet Cruisecriticborg and were being attacked by the giant lizard……. how did you feel?”  It was obvious to me that the actors just wanted to say………”I just read what was on the script and buggered off to my trailer.” But they couldn’t because these people truly were ……….ummm………….different. Perhaps I am being too cruel. Trekkies are an easy target. Having a go at them is like setting your phaser to “stun” when an alien life form is already down. But such ritual humiliation appears to be part of the fun for them. They know they are nerds. They are in on the joke.

I personally liked Star Trek. I specifically liked the banter between Kirk and Spock…….the stud and the geek. I guess that’s how Calvyn, my previous assistant, must have felt when we worked together on board. Many of us have a mate who is a bit of a nerd and somewhat ugly but smarter than us. That was me and Calvyn…….I was Kirk………he was Spock and Calvyn always wanted to fly his ship to the planet Uranu……..never mind.

Captain Kirk got the big boss’s chair in front of the giant plasma screen while Spock sat quietly behind him, occasionally, grunting the word “acknowledged.” He could also do the famous Vulcan Death Grip which I myself used on Tony Lang once in the playground because he had told me that Sally Pool had said I smelled. The death grip worked when Spock did it but when I tried it on Tony he laughed and punched me in the bollocks. Being a Vulcan, he had a seven-year mating cycle which meant he only got to have rumpy pumpy once every seven years……..many of you…… me……..will now be thinking if you have a bit of Vulcan in you and it might also explain why he had so much strength in his wrist when giving the old death grip.

Of course, Kirk was a stud. He had rumpy pumpy with every kind of woman ……green, black, pink ………if it breathed ……..he would have his way with her (or it).  I am sure that he must have spread some sexually transmitted diseases around the galaxy ………he really did go where no man has gone before when he had rumpy pumpy with the shape shifter thing who started out as a woman called Amanda but finished up as a man called Bob. Of course, since Kirk hung up his communicator we have had many more captains of the Enterprise. I guess many loved Jean Luc Picard but not me and not just because he was French, OK……..yes………I didn’t like him because he was French. But although he was calm and had cool sayings like “make it so number one” he wasn’t Kirk. Picard could outwit the Borg and then have a cup of Earl Grey tea. That’s OK. Kirk, on the other hand, would have had his way with three green alien women by the time the kettle had boiled. Captain Kirk was a hunter, killer and if he met a Ferangie, he wouldn’t want to hold “peace talks” with it he would rip its head off and then run off with his wife. Kirk had a cool Phaser that looked like a gun and not a Gillette electric razor as they use now……….and Kirk had a lazy boy chair on the bridge. There was a lady captain in the last series but her name escapes me and I am too lazy to ask Uncle Google. It as a boring Star Trek series from what I am told because being a woman she made friends with the aliens wives and had an intergalactic peace accord within minutes. This only failed when she discovered that the alien wives were better looking than her …….. in which case she bitched slap them to death with her space stilettos.

Time for today’s Q and A but not before I head to the bathroom to fight my own Klingon.

Laura Woods asks:
Good morning John: I hope that you are having a fabulous day! Just had a couple of questions for you. First and most importantly, we are taking another Carnival cruise on August 1 on Carnival Liberty out of Port Canaveral. We are celebrating a few huge accomplishments. First, my husband and I are celebrating 20 years of marriage. Woop Woop!  Don’t know how when we are only in our early 30’s LOL!!  Then we are also celebrating our son’s graduation from high school and EMT school.  He did dual enrollment his last year of high school and was able to complete EMT school all in the same year.  He is going into the fire academy and wants to be a fireman. We are super proud!  Then we will also celebrate our daughter’s 11th birthday. Even though all of these celebrations do not fall at the same, time we will be cruising.  We are celebrating anyway.  We were on Carnival Dream the last two years and honestly we had the most incredible vacations through Carnival that we just continue to book each year. All of us are excited for this eight-day cruise. By any chance will you be the cruise director for Carnival Liberty on August 1? I looked at the list and could not tell who would be on our cruise.  I guess I really only had the one question.  Seriously, though, a huge thank you to Carnival for always making our vacations fabulous!  We have never been on the Liberty however; we have also never been disappointed.

John says:
Hello Laura Woods

It sounds like you have lots to celebrate on this special cruise and congratulations to your son who I am sure you must be very proud of. The cruise director will be Cory Rogers who I am sure you will enjoy and appreciate very much. I would kindly ask that, if you can, to please contact me on my page the day before the cruise with your cabin number. I hope that is OK and I wish you all the very best of times together. Best wishes.


Randy asks:
The happily ever after goal of love that you are aspiring to is a myth. With your job, it’s not a realistic goal because you seem to value mobility and job satisfaction and self-glorification far more. Tell that to your daughter.

John says:
Hello Randy

I love my daughter more than anything in the whole world. Everything I do is for her and my family. Best wishes.


Ian Strout asks:
How come Carnival does not do fireworks on 4th of July and Disney Cruise Line (the best cruise line in the world) does a full display on their boats? Is Carnival too cheap to mark the most important day in the calendar year with some fireworks as tradition dictates???

John says:
Hello Ian Strout

I cannot comment really on what another cruise line does but, obviously, Disney does some things that we simply don’t do here at Carnival. I’m certainly no expert when it comes to fireworks but I’m sure it has something to do with safety and I am sure there are other restrictions, as well. We will have a wonderful 4th of July party on all our ships which I hope one day you get to enjoy. Best wishes.


Romy Goldstein asks:
Hi. I’ve been on three most awesome cruises with Carnival – Carnival Freedom, Carnival Dream and Carnival Breeze. I’ve now booked my fourth on Carnival Pride March 15. My question is why is there no seaside theatre on the Carnival Pride? I’ve heard that it is going to dry dock for 2.0 but no Seaside Theatre. Just wondering why? I think I’ve been very spoiled with the other boats. LOL.

John says:
Hello Romy Goldstein

I thank you so much for your kind post. Unfortunately on the Spirit class ships there is no place to put the giant screen as we have a split Lido Deck with two pools and no higher upper Lido decks. However, when you cruise on the Carnival Pride you will be on a ship that will have had her dry dock and receive a number of exciting Fun Ship 2.0 upgrades that I’m sure will make you very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very happy. Please let me know if you have any other questions and have a wonderful cruise. Best wishes.


Safeen Madina asks:
I am platinum VIFP with Carnival and ELITE Class with Celebrity. Here are some of the perks we get with them that Carnival MUST offer if they expect to keep guests loyal. Free internet, free coffee from their specialty coffee shops and 50% discount at their restaurants where fees apply – 50% discount! On our next cruise, we will reach Zenith level, that will mean a private lounge for cocktails before dinner. I have 11 cruises now with Carnival but perks are why loyal cruisers keep cruising and I think Carnival falls miles behind here. There must be more that differentiates us from other non-loyal passengers who are not on the same level as me.

John says:
Hello Safeen Madina

I would like to say two important things here and the first is to thank you for cruising with us 11 time, that really is wonderful and I hope there will be many more cruises with us in the years to come. Secondly, I would hope that the reason people cruise is not the perks but the experience of the cruise itself with all the fun and brilliant service that comes with it. Perks are nice and deserved but again, respectfully I would say that perks should not be the reason to keep coming back. Maybe I am wrong, that’s just what I hope. While we will not be adding any of the perks you mentioned, I can say the beards are looking at what we do and I will let you know of any changes to our loyalty program as soon as I can. Best wishes.


Paul asks:
Hello Mr. Heald: Can you let me know when they will have a Serenity deck on Carnival Conquest?

John says:
Hello Paul

There is no Serenity deck on this ship but the Deck 9 aft pool is designated for adults only. Please let me know if you have any other questions. Best wishes.


Robin Maciel asks:
John: A reminder to you that you only know if you have lost the correct amount of weight if your body mass index is what it is supposed to be. Just do not want you to get lazy because you are defiantly still very much morbidly obese, so keep going. We will see you in three weeks and we can talk more then.

Robin Maciel

John says:
Hello Robin Maciel

Yes, indeed, I have a long way to go and will keep working hard. Thanks so much for your concern and I will see you soon for a brilliant Alaskan cruise. Best wishes.


Sue Clarkson asks:
I just want to say that I have never had a bad cruise, even when we couldn’t sail to one of the ports because of bad weather. I would even be happy if I just get on the ship and it goes around in circles in the ocean….LOL. I’m not at work; I’m on a cruise having a great time, good food, and sunshine. My husband and I sailed on Carnival before we got married, and then we got married on a Carnival ship back in 2008 and we celebrate every anniversary on a Carnival ship…sailing again this year out of Galveston on the day of our anniversary 8/31/14 to celebrate our sixth wedding anniversary. Thank you Carnival for the fun and the smiles.  See you soon, and again next year.

John says:
Hello Sue Clarkson

I love posts like this, full of positive thought and excitement for the cruise to come. Thanks so much for taking the time to write and I hope you will be able to write to me the day before your cruise on and let me know your cabin number. Have a brilliant time and thanks for taking the time to write. Best wishes.


David Billock asks:
Hi John. My wife and I are sailing on Carnival Paradise in January, will be the second time on this ship. Anyway, I had a thought; don’t tell my wife, not allowed to think without asking permission. It would be nice to connect with others on the same cruise beforehand that would like to do so. Is there some page set up for that or something that could be added to the Carnival website for those that have booked already? Maybe there is not a demand for it, but I think that connecting with others on the same cruise would be awesome. Then when you get to meet in person on the ship you already have sort of a friendship established. Thanks David

John says:
Hello David Billick

I think your wife and mine must be very similar! Thanks for writing and, meeting new friends on a cruise is indeed something that is still one of the best aspects of sailing with us. There is our Funville site which I think is a wonderful place to see who is sailing and make new friends. Plus you can contact me via my page a few days before and I will ask the maître d to help with putting you at a big table with other guests. Hope you have the best of times and if there is anything else I can help with, please do let me know.  Best wishes.


Renee Lombness asks:
Your comedian_________used the “F bomb” at the 11:30 pm show on Carnival Valor four times in 35 minutes of comedy. Why? Uncensored comedy has no place on a family cruise which you always say Carnival is. The funniest comedians like Seinfeld and Jeff Dunham don’t use bad language!! Most passengers left the show saying that they were disgusted at the content of the show. More family comedy, scrap these degrading shows that feature nothing but degrading comments about women.

John says:
Hello Renee Lombness

I am very sorry that you did not appreciate the adults-only uncensored shows. I realise that they are not for everyone. However, I do know from vast experience that these shows remain massively popular with our guests and in our defence we make sure over and over again that before the show start, all in attendance realise that we do not keep a leash on our comedians and that their shows are adults only. I hope you enjoyed the family shows though and indeed enjoyed the cruise. Please do contact me if you have any other questions and comments and I hope to see you soon. Best wishes.


John Conklin asks:
What are your thought on Carnival stock? I am just about to book another two cruises B2B on Carnival Liberty and thought it may be time to buy stock in my favourite cruise line. What do you think John please? DW and I will be with you on September 8 in Alaska and are so excited

John says:
Hello John Conklin.

Thank you for being so excited and so you should be as Alaska is incomparable and the crew where are outstanding. I am not really allowed to say too much when it comes to stock purchase except that I am a stockholder and that all of us here at Carnival continue to work bloody hard to make sure we are the best in the industry. Hope that helps and, meanwhile, I will see you soon and please let me know if there is anything I can do for you. Best wishes.


Sarah asks:
Hi John,

Last January my siblings and I purchased an Alaskan cruise for our parents’ 25th wedding anniversary. My father is a UK citizen. He’s lost his passport and has applied for a new passport. As it turns out, it seems that Her Majesty’s Passport Office has all but shut down with a backlog of 50,000+ applications. We don’t believe he will get his new passport in time for their trip. We are trying to find out if he can still sail using his US green card but can’t find any more information on it. I’m hoping you can help me out and let me know if he can even board without his passport. They are booking number 85VFQ4 in case you need this information. Thank you for any help you can give. Have a wonderful day!


John says:
Hello Sarah

Oh, that’s terrible news. I had heard that there was a backlog thanks to the additional applications but that’s ridiculous it would take so long. Let me pass this on ASAP and get you an answer. I think it’s OK from our side but let me get you some expert help. I truly hope that this will be OK; I am pretty certain he will be able to but let me check. I hope to see you all soon. Best wishes.


That’s all for today, thanks to you all for your comments and questions.

Another wonderful Alaskan cruise starts today and let’s see who is sailing with us……….why are you not here?

Total Guests                                        2,405
US Citizens                                         1,991
Canadians                                           41
French Canadians                               18
UK                                                      23
Australia                                              15
India                                                    34
Guests under 18                                  361
Klingons                                              0
Diamond Guests                                 4
Platinum Guests                                  171

This week, there will be July 4th celebrations across the fleet, except on Carnival Spirit where for some reason, it’s not such a big celebration Down Under. Most ships will have a deck party and all the trimmings plus those ships with the big screens on Lido Deck will show true-blooded American Hero movies in Pretty Woman and Sex and the City 3 – The Syphilis Strikes Back. Kidding. The movies will be Captain America – Winter Soldier and Independence Day …….. naturally.

Here on the Carnival Miracle, we are limited as to what we can do. The 4th falls on a day we are in Skagway until 8:30pm and after sailing we are not allowed to play any music on the open decks as it may cause a Mr. Bear to have ED during a night of passion with Mrs. Bear. So we will have a party in one of the lounges but the good thing is that in Skagway there will be a big 4th of July street party so that will, for sure, please the guests. And I as a Brit will be honoured to wish all Americans a happy 4th July……..even though you still insist on drinking that sodding awful cold tea.

Let’s talk about some more of the guests I met last cruise. I met a guest this past cruise who I have not seen in a long time, maybe five or more years. He is a regular cruise, a Diamond guest who we shall call Neil because that is his name. I last saw Neil in Europe on the Carnival Splendor and it was great to see him here on Carnival Miracle. Neil has never married. He’s not hideously ugly, he doesn’t have hemorrhoids, halitosis, a facial mole that sprouts a dozen hairs or three nipples. He doesn’t live with his mother and he isn’t French. He is independently wealthy, attractive, funny, amusing, and popular. He always used to have a girlfriend and each of these relationships trundled along, as relationships will, to that point where commitments had to be undertaken, questions asked that involve diamonds, placement cards and singing hymns in church. And at that point, they gently parted ways.

I sat with Neil at the Diamond Party this week and asked him why he could never sign up to the Marriage Club. His says it’s because he fears that all women are only really after his wealth. He always thought that the evolutionary purpose of every woman is to find a male, fleece him, skin him and throw him back, a broken and shivering poor person. Yet, I see him now after a long time and now I see a man who has suddenly gotten old overnight. He no longer has a girlfriend and …….well…….he looks sort of lonely. Now don’t worry, I have Neil’s full permission to write this and indeed he reads this blog often. I know he played the field for many years and I am sure all that rumpy pumpy and stuff must have given him many evenings of ecstasy……but now ………well, he’s older and alone ………….and I fell so very sorry for him. Maybe it’s me I feel sorry for because the last couple of weeks I have been feeling ultra-lonely. I had hoped that Heidi and Kye would be here now with me on the ship but that’s not possible. Both our Mums have concerns that need Heidi’s full attention and, obviously, that alone riddles me with a massive portion of guilt.

Yep, I met many fantastic people this cruise but one person remains in my mind now and probably for a long time to come. Why did Mum make her wear her graduation cap and gown all cruise long both at the shows and at dinner? Or am I reading this the wrong way? Was it the daughter’s choice to do so? I have no idea but I would bet all my underpants that there was more to this story than I will ever know. Yep, only one thing is for certain and Mrs. Robinson as I called her in my mind, left the ship angry and massively disappointed that I would not do more for her daughter. I can only wish that the daughter has a wonderful stay at Brown University where she is studying law and that she has a bright and prosperous future.

And finally, last cruise, I had a wonderful honeymoon couple on stage with me at the Welcome Aboard show. They got married on the ship and, of course, I had some fun with them asking why they were at the show and why they were not having some honeymoon night fun. The answer was, according to the husband, “We are both too tired.”  That made me think. It was the same the night Heidi and I got married. As a “man” I knew that the wedding night is supposed to be a rejoicing of two people coming together and in many ways it’s the law. The priest knows it, both sets of parents know it and you know it……..rumpy pumpy must be part of the wedding night. You’ve planted your kisses and fingered your rings. and off to the bedroom you go.

But like this couple at the show, I was “knackered” which is Brit speak for very, very tired.
Had the napkins been folded into swans? Was the car on time, where’s Alan my best man? What do you mean he’s at the bar telling jokes about the midget and the Nun to my future mother-in-law who speaks sod all English? I was stressed, Heidi was stressed, the parents were stressed, the band was stressed, the vicar was stressed and my best man was pissed as wet fart and then after all that, the moment Heidi said, “I DO,” run to the bridal suite like some Benny Hill skit.

Anyway, I digress, as usual, and this couple was wonderful and what made them stand out was the fact that both were US Coast Guard officers and had met at Coast Guard school and we were very proud to have Kacie and Thomas sailing with us and I wish them many wonderful years together. And may I suggest, Thomas, that you have as much rumpy pumpy as you can before Kacie gets pregnant. Take it from me, women don’t really feel like having rampant rumpy pumpy after giving birth — or even non-rampant rumpy pumpy. Or even, you know, groping. Their minds will be on sanitary pads, baby poo and sleep deprivation with absolutely – and I mean absolutely – no thought of rumpy pumpy that’s for sure.  Get as much as you can now mate because once you have seen the Sigourney Weaver Alien episode –or birth as it’s sometimes called — you may not fancy any for a few years anyway.


Your friend,


Comment Policy

Look, friends — there are a few things you should remember before you comment. The space below is for you to post your comments about the post I've just written above. Now, while I may not be able to reply to your comment below, I do sit in my underpants almost every morning and read everything that is here. So feel free to comment on the comments and then if someone wants to comment on the comment to the comment then go ahead as well. Please be courteous, unless the poster is French...........then you can say whatever you want.

67 Responses to The People I Met Last Cruise

  1. Raeden J says:


    I was on the Magic last week and lost my wallet in the buffet area. One of Carnival’s employees turned it in quickly to guest services and I was able to retrieve it there with all my cash and credit cards. I just want to say thank you for having employees that are so honest. It sure was nice to get it back. Thanks again!

  2. Linda (Mom of DJ) says:


    Yes, I (like any normal human being) would love more perks.

    But folks need to be realistic…..

    no way has someone (who is Platinum on Carnival) paid the same amount of money that they did to be Elite on Celebrity.

    I have said all along that the perks Carnival provides to this point is pretty much in line with the price you pay for the cruises.

    We are looking forward to the addition of a Double Diamond level, but that is certainly not why we cruise.

    I hope Neil is reading the comments.

    IF he wants a wife, then my heart breaks that fear stops him for reaching that goal.
    Yes, sadly there are far to many females out there that would marry him for his money…but not ALL do.

    Just like there are men that will only marry a woman who looks a particular way, there are women who will only marry men with money.

    But there are wonderful men and women out there that still marry for love, respect and companionship.

    However, IF he is happy being single…then more power to him. There is no law that says everyone has to be married.

    The bottom line is to be happy!

    Linda ( Mom of your fried DJ)

    • grizel robertson says:

      I agree with Linda on both counts. Firstly, I appreciate the benefits of Platinum/Diamond do not offer the same privileges as some other cruise lines but I enjoy Fun at a reasonable price and prefer linking up with N American friends with whom I have met over my 22 years of cruising with CCL. Secondly, I feel sad for Neil concerning his mistrust in women. I don’t disagree with his thinking but can say that it has worked the other way with me. My second divorce cost me big money as I earned more than my spouse! Men can be Gold Diggers too even when a Pot of Gold is not at stake.

  3. Mary and Vic Stockbridge says:

    Good afternoon John, My husband and I have in the past traveled with carnival, 7 times. Last April we tried sailing out of San Francisco, with another cruise line, just because it was closes to travel for us. My question is…Why no Carnival out of San Francisco?
    I must add how I promised my husband I’d do my best not to compare…but while the embarkation was great, there was no way we could not help but compare…we are truly loyal to Carnival.
    We have booked a 2/14/15 cruise on the Miracle and are so very very excited to get on Carnival. The experiences on any of your ships are second to none!!
    Keep up the great work guys!!!

    • Nancy says:

      SF is a small terminal. Currently. It is being expanded with the hope larger boats can be accommodated. I think it is supposed to done Fall 2014.

  4. Charles White says:

    Do the old header to this blog!
    I loved it. I wasn’t sure I was where I was supposed to be, today!

  5. Ralph says:

    Ian Strout,
    I suggest you stick with Disney…you have a lot in common with Donald Duck!

  6. Daniel says:

    Hi John! I would have loved being on that convention cruise!!! I always read your posts and blog and also hope to see you next year in Alaska!! (You did say you wanted to be the CD in Alaska in 2015, didn’t you?) Anyway, just wanted to let you know the blue people were called Andorians!

  7. Teresa Cooper says:

    Randy, you are just being nasty and that is uncalled for.

    Robin, I know you mean well, but please leave John alone where his weight is concerned. He is following medical advice.

    Safeen, I am sure you are aware of the difference in pricing between Carnival and Celebrity. Celebrity is a bit more upscale cruise line and you pay for those extra perks. We want our Carnival prices kept low so we are willing to sacrifice the extra perks for an overall wonderful cruise at a price we can afford.

    • Missybee says:

      Well said, Theresa! 🙂

    • Thank you Teresa Cooper, very well said. It really just mystifies me that people can say things to someone that is so forward and unsolicited, and in my opinion, flat out rude. You may think John is a public figure and doesn’t require you to be courteous, but Randy! That was an uncalled for remark about John’s daughter. Shame on you!

  8. Kristen R. says:

    I am the breadwinner in my household, and as a scientist I must be away from home a lot. I find it disgusting that that turd wrote to you about how you must not love your family. I LOVE my son with all my heart, and work the job I do to provide him with a fantastic life. What an a-hole. I think we should band together and burn his “dangly-bits” for judging people.

  9. Lynn says:

    Hey John,
    Great blog again! I always have to read it when I’m on my own because I just laugh so much. I don’t know if you remember our conversation a few years ago but I am the lady who wants to live on a Carnival Ship full time in retirement. I’m still working towards that goal. A girl’s gotta dream, you know?
    Tell your friend Neil that there are lots of women looking for a nice fun guy for a relationship and companionship without the whole marriage mess. He needs to look at women past the “I want to have kids” stage though. Feel free to give him my email if he lives anywhere near Virginia 🙂
    Thanks again for the great laughs John. You keep me going between cruises.

  10. mike mickey says:

    Hello john, while I hope someday to be a platinum or whatever the top frequent cruiser vip member is called, after reading some of the messages from them, I hope that someone kicks me in the dangly bits if I become that pompous. While the perks would be great, the best fun is the cruise itself. Have a wonderful day!!!

  11. Joyce Deer says:

    John, we will be on the Magic July 6 to celebrate my niece’s high school graduation. She is matriculating to a Community College in TX, for which we are SO proud, given her grades not being where they should, but she graduated. We will be bringing her burgandy gown, and I would like recognition. In addition, we will be on the Miracle with you on July 29, celebrating my grandson’s entrance to high school with straight A’s for 1st – 8th grade. Dinner with the captain, a recognition on stage, and a fruit basket would be in order.…

    HAHAHA!! Did you get your blood pressure up on those two? I couldn’t resist! We really WILL be on both of those cruises, for both of those reasons, but I would NEVER think of asking you this – how CRAZY are people haha! Have a great day – you deserve it.

    Joyce Deer

  12. Mark says:

    Jeff Dunham certainly does swear and use dirty language, but I digress….I guess uncensored doesn’t mean what it used to.

    • John Pishotta says:

      It seems that for most adult comedy, the routines closely mirror the non-adult comedy shows, with the only exception being heavy use of vulgar language. Last October, on the Fascination, I was truly impressed. Dean Gaines was brilliant! His philosophy was simple – adult comedy can be funny without being profane and vulgar. It was by far THE BEST shipboard adult comedy I have seen. “I smell ‘moke”

  13. Elaine Hughes says:

    I miss waking up to you and Calvyn you both have made me laugh out loud on the lido deck many times. I am so happy for both of you, moving on up to bigger and better things. Let Neil know not all women are after the $$$ some just want to have a friend to talk to and not feel lonely. If he wants to send me an email you have my permission to pass my info on. It would be nice to share stories about rumpy pumpy or Mrs. Robinsons obsession to give you a HARD time. We have something in common already we are old, we read your blogs and we cruise on nothing but the best. LOL

  14. Ted Caffyn says:

    John enjoy reading your blog only one comment It takes a real low life sorry sack of whale S*** my apology to the whales to make a comment about another mans child I know company policy will not allow you to say what is on your mind so I will “Bugger Off” Randy

  15. Julie Tyler says:

    You’ve probably heard from legions of Trekkers already, but I’m going to say it anyway–Nichelle Nichols played Lieutenant Uhura on Star Trek TOS.

    “Hailing frequency open, Captain.”

  16. April Calder says:

    Hi John, I recently just started following your blog and I just love it! My husband and son have cruised on the Valor, The Freedom twice and will be on the Breeze next month. We are so excited and really can’t wait. We always cruise the caribbean because it only makes sense to me that if you’re on a cruise ship the ports we visit must be warm and tropical. Well recently my husband took a new job in Seattle. And since I have been following you on facebook and reading your blog, thanks to you I am now so looking forward to our next cruise being an Alaskan cruise. Thank you for all that you do to make sure your guests have the best time ever on your cruise ships. We have sailed other cruise lines, but since discovering Carnival we now know why they are called the FunShips and we don’t plan on sailing on any other line. Thanks again, and I hope to meet you when we sail out of Seattle! Sincerely, April Calder

  17. Dee says:

    Oh, John…the lady who has the daughter going to Brown…well, I don’t know how she will be studying law there as brown doesn’t have a law school. But best of luck to her. She’s going to need it with a mother like that.

    • Steve Morandi says:

      Dee, I hope that doesn’t keep you awake at night. Many schools have law schools that go under a different name, and some with their own campus. I don’t know about Brown

  18. Pam Dantzler says:

    Dear John, I notice so many folks who comment on your page/blog that are not always very positive. I would like to say publicly – my husband and I LOVE Carnival. We have done 14 cruises with you in less than two years. We have done other lines as well and have no desire to return to them. I appreciate the care, conversations and genuine professional behavior of everyone on board who are with Carnival. Of course you run into the young cruisers who want to be hammered every day and become somewhat obnoxious as they stumble through thinking they are so hilarious….but isn’t that the case in most venues in which alcohol is abundant to a diverse group? We know the quieter areas of the ships and tend to go there for our relaxation. We are sun people and spend most of our ship time by the pools or at least on deck. I just want to say “great job”….we are hooked on Carnival. The only thing I wish could be done is allow guests to request tables for two at the time of booking. My least favorite thing to do is after boarding go get in the line to see the maître d about getting a table. My husband and I always request a table and only once have not received it – we also take our grandson at times (he will be with us on the Victory July 7th) so we request a table for 3 as we use dinner to “relive” our days……we will be requesting again once on board….but it would be fabulous to bypass this….any chance the policy might change?

    Again, thanks for all you do and can’t wait to sail again!

  19. karen says:

    I came back to my cabin tonight to find a fruit basket, champagne and a trophy sent from you!! Words cannot express how much it touched me that you remembered.The cruise so far has been awesome, but Nick has had a hard time at shows and feeling overwhelmed. He loves his trophy and the fruit, and I am looking forward to the champagne!

  20. Gail Gerard says:

    After this last week, John, with that poor girl’s mom approaching every time you turned around crying her eyes out…I have to applaud you. You are a better man than I and definately were more polite. Then again, that goes without saying as you hail from England, land of good manners.

  21. Pam says:

    John, we just got off the Miracle and wanted to say thank you for the 24 karat gold plastic ship and bottle of wine that you had delivered to our cabin. We will cherish the ship forever. It was a great time and can’t wait until the next cruise.

  22. linda pearl says:

    I find,when people like Randy start off a conversation taking digs involving family, you know he is unable to carry on an intelligent conversation.aka…idiot.

  23. Eileene says:

    Wow, John! Maybe you ought to start a sanity-protecting Watchlist – with Robin Mariel & the guy whose daughter sings the National Anthem in MI, you already have two folks to avoid!!

    I’m going to have to get internet access when I sail with you in August so I can keep up! 🙂

  24. Rosemary Phillips says:

    I am so sorry that people feel they can attack you personally. The comments about your weight, your family, and your decisions. I could not do what you do everyday and deal with heartless people all the time with a smile on your face. I would be hurt deeply. You are a strong man John Heald.
    Hope to cruise with you someday. Planning our 5th Carnival cruise for next year.
    Rosemary Phillips, from Ontario Canada

  25. Margie M says:

    I can’t believe that somebody would have the audacity to tell you that you are still morbidly obese. It seems like these people think because you have a very visible job it’s ok to insult you. I admire you for the way you conduct yourself when faced with these morons. I would last about a week in your job.

  26. STACEY says:

    JOHN, Carnival is the best!!! With so many ships on fleet why can’t they designate one as adult only, would it really kill them revenue wise ???

  27. Joe Bozik says:

    To Safeen: Please get off your high horse and continue to spend the money on Celebrity cruises. The high cost of those cruises get you the ‘free perks ‘ you whine about – or haven’t you figured that out yet?

  28. Melissa says:


    My mom,son, and I recently returned from trip on the Conquest in June … My mom is 77, son is 6… I am a forty something single mom!!! I called the trip VELCRO 2014…(as both of my companions wear Velcro tying shoes!!!) Anyway… We had a fabulous time and I couldn’t have been happy with Carnival!!! My son and I had taken an RCCl cruise 2 years ago…. But the Carnival Cruise beat that one hands down!!!! I couldn’t get my son out of the camp till after midnight every night! I was so happy with the trip – I turned around a few days later and booked another cruise on the Breeze for March 2015…(same companions as before – this time adding my 8 year old nephew!!!!- at least he is out of the Velcro stage!!!. Love reading your blog!!!! Best of luck to you with weight loss!!!

  29. Christopher Butler says:

    Hey John, don’t worry about Randy, sounds like one of those Anal Dwelling Butt Monkeys from Bruce Almighty. As for Robin Maciel it might be wise if possible to inform her that the BMI was never meant to be applied to individuals, it was only meant to be applied in statistics. People use BMI because it’s “easier” then doing it the right way. Check this wiki, and if you question it check the noted citation

    What you want is the Height to Weight chart which I’ll link here

    I just get tired of seeing people bully you about being overweight, and I and all my friends would gladly volunteer to take these insufferable tea pushers and treat them like its 1773 and Boston Harbor, and their shirts were labeled “Property of the East India Company”

  30. Desiree Crutchfield says:

    Sounds like a great cruise. We sailed on the Carnival Ecstasy for a Halloween cruise a few years ago…it was a HOOT! Wish I had thought ahead an packed something fun to wear-even had a Halloween wedding on board-fun fun fun!!

    Love your Blog!

  31. Oh my, John;

    There is SO much I would like to say about this post of yours, but I’m going to try to keep it short and sweet. One, you have the patience of a saint. I don’t know how you do it. Dealing with the unbelievable, incomprehensible, and unforgiveable rudeness of folks day after day must really take its toll.

    Please don’t give Randy (henceforth known as “Asshat”) one second more of space in your head. He is simply unworthy. I am a Navy brat. My father served for 30 years. Perhaps this is why I have cruising in my blood. He was away for probably half of my growing up years, but when he was home he was completely “present”. I may not have had quantity, but I had the gold medal standard in fatherhood for a dad. I am sure that that’s exactly how Kye thinks of you.

    Robin…WOW. Someone needs to learn some manners. Someone also needs a filter. Perhaps one that looks like a muzzle.

    Safeen…This woman makes me wonder if this attitude of entitlement is acquired, taught & learned, or if wankers are just born wankers. Let’s go with the latter. Although the idea that wankers reproduce is a bit unnerving.

    In August, my husband and I will embark on our 7th cruise. Never have we EVER asked for special treatment, or notice, nor have we ever complained. We have nothing but wonderful stories that still make us laugh, and even the things that some people might consider “horrors” have become brilliant, laughable memories. We have been pampered by our room stewards, who have worked their bums off, we have had our names remembered in the dining room, we have won our share of Ships on a Stick, and participated in everything possible. It’s all what you make it. It appears some folks create their own hells. Poor dears. I pity them.

    Last but not least, your advice to the newlyweds regarding lots of rumpy pumpy made me snort my sodding iced tea. Well done! It reminded me of singer Robbie Williams’ response when asked by Graham Norton if he was at “the business end” when his wife gave birth to their child, and what was his reaction. “It was like watching my favourite pub burn down.” ‘Nuf said. 🙂

    Don’t let the wankers get you down, Mr. Heald. You’re awesomesauce in my book. And with that, it’s up the wooden stairs to Bedfordshire for me.

    ‘Nighty night and much Aloha!

    Pua Huffine

  32. Ryan says:

    Hi John, I really enjoy following you on facebook and here on blog with all the behind- the scenes issues that you share.. it opens up a dialog as to the environment that you work in everyday that as a cruiaer you wouldn’t see. You often mention that you sometimes have to run to the bridge for issues. How far of a walk/run is it from your cabin to the bridge?
    Thanks for the insight,


  33. Carmen says:

    Yes, Disney Cruise Line may have fireworks but it is NOT the best cruise line in the world. It is over priced, the food is terrible and Mickey and friends do not wonder around the ship as portrayed on the commercials. It is absolutely not worth the surcharge and when I was on my one (and only one) Disney Cruise, we pulled up beside the Carnival Splendor and I wanted to swim over. Fireworks YES… Best Cruise Line NEVER!

  34. colin cairns says:

    Hi John,

    Just felt compelled to let you know that I love your blog and especially love your updates on facebook. My wife and I are booked on back to back cruises out of Ft Lauderdale in September and cant wait, we love cruising with Carnival and feel its DEFINATELY worth the long haul from Glasgow to visit such amazing ports. This year, while we are on our cruises marks our 10 yr anniversary, we got engaged in San Juan on a Carnival cruise !! Looking for ideas how to celebrate while we are away…. any ideas much appreciated lol.

  35. sherry says:

    John, 1st I want to say “you go guy” on the weight loss journey!2nd-how dare Robin Maciel make a comment to you like that ! I can only hope to cruise with you someday,but until you get away from Alaska –it ain’t gonna happen till im an old lady with a walker , wearing depends!! my husband will not fly,so there is no getting to Alaska for me right now–just wanted to tell you to keep up the good work & cruise on !!!

    • Daniel West says:

      Add a week to either side of the Alaska cruise and tell your husband you’re going on a road trip! A week each way should cover the distance between Seattle and where ever you live.

  36. Steven Pederson says:

    Greetings John,
    I would like to echo comments from Platinum VIFP member about adding more perks for Platinum and Diamond guests. I and my family have Platinum status, 20+ cruises with Carnival. I agree with you that folks cruise for the experience, fun, hospitality, etc. I know I do. I believe in the brand and I am a share holder. However, perks bring guests back. Carnival’s program has not changed that much over the years. Free coffee and internet are not bottom line $$ deal breakers. I would Gladly give up the Tervis Tumblers (have about nine of them now) for free coffee/internet. Listen to your veteran guests, you don’t want to loose them.

    Thanks for all you do, Carnival is very fortunate to have you.


    Steve P.

  37. Richard Hayes says:


    In regard to the person complaining about the perks on Carnival against another company. I know that when my wife and I consider a cruise and we will be taking our sixth cruise on 30 Aug. on the Breeze, the following order is what we follow.
    1. Is it going where we want to?
    2. Is it going when we want to?
    3. What is the cost? ( this could be lower depending)

    Perks do not really come into consideration, while they are nice we are more concerned about the fun we can have on the cruise, something Carnival has always provided.

  38. Esther Blanchette says:

    John –

    I thoroughly enjoy reading both your FB posts and your blog and, sometimes, I just can’t wrap my head around how rude people think they can be to you. It is no-one else’s business (except yours, Heidi’s, Kye’s and your doctor’s) how much weight you have lost/are still losing, no-one’s place to demand that you do or do not do certain things, and absolutely no-one’s place to chastise you for your choice of career.

    For the rest of humanity (because these people seem to have lost theirs along the way), I’d like to apologize for their “rude, crude, and socially unacceptable” behavior (as my mother used to call it) and give you a Zen hug (the one I would give you if I were there, but I’m not, so I can’t….LOL!)

    Have a great day and keep up the great work you and Carnival do.

  39. Dana T says:

    Not even gonna comment on all the really dumbs comments above. But I did want to comment on John’s belief that people don’t cruise for the perks: I 100% agree! I have attained platinum because I love to cruise. I was very happy to receive free laundry, but I’d still be cruising with Carnival even if I still had to pay the ghastly amount of $15 a bag! I view the loyalty perks as just that: perks. I appreciate them, and you won’t ever hear me complain when I get a tote bag instead of a tervis cup!!

  40. Duane spencer says:

    In reference to comment by guest looking for more perks, I agree with you, cruising on Carnival is a value unto itself. Yes I like getting a gift who wouldn’t. I will be on my 5th Carnival in nov. Last year went on another cruise line, and Carnival beats them by far. Carnival has lower prices, more fun and is a great value.

  41. Mike says:

    Will TS Arthur effect the Splendor out of NYC July 3rd?

  42. Dutchman says:

    Well that’s a hell of a statement about Carnivals loyalty program. Give the Diamonds 1 cruise with a few perks and then kickem back to Platinum perks. That makes it Pretty clear Carnival is only interested in new cruisers. All the other cruise lines have better loyalty programs and carnival “you don’t cruise with Carnival for the perks” you got that right.

  43. Melissa Caro says:

    Desperate need of your help! My husband and I will be sailing on the Triumph on July 28th – this will be our first vacation without our 4 boys (ages: 17,16,14,12)….my concern is “Who will I be able to depend on to keep my husband entertained….that’s what I have 4 boys for?!” Is there an age appropriate Camp Carnival for husbands? What have I gotten myself into? All kidding aside, we are very excited and fortunate to have this chance to take this vacation – with having 4 teenagers, school and sports activities both of us working full-time (my husband is also a Volunteer Fireman), vacations aren’t always affordable or a priority – but Carnival makes possible. (On a side note, Triumph has the absolute friendliest/hard working staff we have ever met — it doesn’t go unnoticed). Happy Sailings!

  44. Stacey says:

    To Randy… Obviously you are a sad and bitter man. If life is that bad for you, do something to change it.

    John, you have the patience of a Saint and you are so great at what you do. Do not let people like Randy get to you. He is obviously very unhappy in his life.

  45. Julie Tyler says:

    I have found hands down the best response to all of the rude comments that these people seem to think they are entitled to make. Just remember, when they make a totally uncalled for remark, think of them as really saying, “Hi! I’m a total stranger and I’m going to make a statement about your life/blog/etc.!” Do not let total strangers have a leading role in the movie that is your life; don’t even let them have a walk on role!

  46. reza shekari says:

    i cruised with Carnival Ecstasy 1991 then i was single and john healds was our cruse director what a magnefesent time then he was slim and very fit now Carnival treat him very well and he is a bit ……. .now i am married my wife and I with my two teenager kids cursing on July 5 on freedom love to see john
    have a spiffy day john you were the best and reason i am coming back to carnival you are the best .

    reza shekari

  47. Steve says:

    Well Im French and Im Platinum and to put it bluntly I do not appreciate what John H understates when relating his meeting with Neil by saying ‘he’s not French’. I am wealthy well-educated and… oh yes although French I am married. So being French is not a disease. My husband and I both find this sentence very disparaging and it deserves apologies. Like I said we are Plats and I dont think, Mr John Scornful H, our money has ever been refused by Carnival because we are French. Regards

  48. Charles Kelley says:

    Hey John,
    Enjoyed the cruise so much last week. The morning you had Q & A, I was Charlie Brown from Alabama, and said Roll Tide! You kept saying “rolling tide.” Very funny.

    My question is this. When the Miracle starts the Hawaii cruises will you be on it? Also, do you know your next years schedule for those of us who would like to sail with you again? You’re an awesome CD, and your passion for what you do helps make the cruise much better.
    Thank you!!
    Charlie Brown

  49. Bryan says:

    Hi, John. I’m on the last night of my 4 day cruise to Catalina/Ensenada. Having a great time and about to go see Epic Rock. But I was wondering does Carnival ever have any plans to add a juice bar on their ships? I’m talking fresh greens juiced to order. It’s just enough to make gluttons feel less guilty for that 4th helping and let’s avid juicers like me not miss a day. I for one wouldn’t mind paying $6-8 for one. Stay cool!

  50. Al Hasbrouck says:

    Been on 4 different cruise lines to date. Even though there are not some of the same “perks” found on your competitors, the overall vote by the family for most favorite time and funtimes is on Carnival. We’ll be going again in 2 weeks and again for our Anniversary in 2 months. We love Carnival. Keep up the good work!

  51. Pissed Cruiser says:

    What in the hell is up with the AC… It’s hotter in my stateroom than anywhere else on the ship…. 3 calls and multiple visits to guest services and they say nothing is wrong… Why do I start sweating the moment I get in my room then?

  52. Shelly says:

    I am taking my first cruise in a couple days on Carnival Legend and I am going solo! Is there anything you might recommend for a solo cruiser?

  53. Alecia Gonzalez says:

    We will be on a Labor Day Cruise out of Galveston on the Triumph,my son is wanting to propose. We would like to know the cruise directors name and possibly e- mail address. My son is wanting to do a flash mob and would like any help he can get and also he would like to have it recorded and have photos. Thank you for any help you can give!
    Alecia Gonzalez

  54. Alecia Gonzalez says:

    My family will be on the Labor Day Truimph cruise out of Galveston.
    My son wants to propose and is trying to find out the cruise directors name and possibly their e- mail address.
    My son is wanting to do a flash mob and would like any help he can get and would like approval. He would also like to arrange photography and video.
    Thank you for all your help.
    Alecia Gonzalez

  55. jesh-ma says:

    i love you so much and i want you and i wish the nbest for you

  56. J.R. says:

    Hello Safeen Madina

    I wonder if before you complained about the lack of Carnival’s “Perks” you also compared how much MORE you paid for a Celebrity Cruise

  57. Babara Post says:

    John, This year, I wanted to do something special for my birthday. I found a fabulous deal and will be celebrating my 52nd birthday on the Carnival Victory on the 21st of July. I will be in the heart of the Caribbean on my birthday that Wednesday. I have never cruised before and will be taking this adventure by myself (perhaps my mid-life crisis event!) Anything I should know in particular? I look forward to meeting and greeting lots of interesting folks that week!!

  58. Ken Wilson says:

    To the people who complain about the comedy shows: You know what’s really hilarious? The people who go to an adult show in the middle of the night and complain about bad language. Despite warning after warning after warning that you are attending an adults only show that contains graphic language you go anyway. Is that so you have something to complain about? I would bet that the same people who walk into an adults only comedy show in the middle of the night and complain about language are the very same people who sit in a clearly posted smoking section and hack and cough while giving you the stink eye while sitting upwind of you.

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