I SCREAM ABOUT ICE CREAM

June 6, 2014 -

John Heald

If I was walking around the Carnival Miracle and saw someone indulging in antisocial behavior, such as sitting on Promenade Deck and putting their feet on one of the chairs or spitting that chewy tobacco stuff into a cup (both of which I have actually seen last cruise), I would simply roll my eyes and keep on walking. If it were something more serious, such as trying to pull a cowboy hat of some poor bugger’s head in the dining room, I would probably even say something. (more…)

SMOKE GETS IN YOUR EYES – OR DOES IT?

June 3, 2014 -

John Heald

My wife is amazing. She runs the house, takes care of my five-year-old daughter and my huge mailman-eating dog, Breeze. She does not have me in her life to help her with any of that because I am sitting here on the Carnival Miracle, in Seattle, wearing only my underpants, writing to you. Yep, she does a terrific job and some may ask how she manages without a man around the house and the answer is simply that, apart from providing a salary, love for my daughter, a walk for my dog and, if it’s November 14, three minutes of rumpy pumpy for Heidi. (more…)

I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD

May 27, 2014 -

John Heald

I like to think that I am capable of doing most of what life throws at me. I can tell a joke, gently persuade a cowboy not to stab a platinum guest in the face with a butter knife, I know how to drive a car, keep people calm in a fire, and boil and egg. I once even managed to put a piece of IKEA furniture together without having a sodding screw left over. Technologically speaking, I’m not bad, either. But when it comes to technology my knowledge and capability is that of the Dali Lama’s understanding of a lap dancing club. And last week I suffered a serious (more…)

Friday Thoughts

May 16, 2014 -

John Heald

So here I am on my second week as a cruise director again and enjoying immensely being in Alaska. I am finding it a bit more challenging, though, to remember how to be a cruise director again, not the stage stuff but rather the management of 60 people in the entertainment department. And most of them were either in their strollers when I first started with Carnival and, in the case of a few of the dancers, were not even bloody well born yet – FFS! (more…)

The Balcony Club

May 14, 2014 -

John Heald

We have the dome closed here on the Carnival Miracle and it gives guests a chance to use the pool and stay warm as we cruise the Alaskan waters and the guests really appreciate the covered deck for sure. The only problem with this is that you can’t do too much with live music because if I put the live four-piece band, Music Unlimited, there or one of the soloists or even the DJ, the music echoes and makes even the lowest sound levels become amplified and, honestly, it sounds awful. So most of the time, we have background music on there as we sail through the glaciers and the amazing scenery that Alaska provides. So last week on our sea day, I walked onto Lido Deck and saw people reading, relaxing and looking out of the windows and they were doing all of that to some kind of hip-hopping drum and bass Lady Gabeiber music. ……. while we cruised Alaskan waters. Oh F (more…)

Looking For Trouble

May 8, 2014 -

John Heald

Last night was elegant night and that meant some but certainly not all of our guests were dressed formally and that, of course, included some very beautiful ladies………….by the way, remind me to talk about elegant night and what we have to do to make it better please. Anyway, so there I was standing in the lobby with the captain and a few senior officers when this absolutely stunning – I mean drop dead gorgeous – supermodel twenty-something walked past. (more…)

Time To Be A Cruise Director Again

May 5, 2014 -

John Heald

There is more chance of Donald Sterling being asked to be Ambassador of the United Nations than there is of me ever being asked to be top beard for Carnival Cruise Lines. OK, I would enjoy being president for a week and be involved in important decisions like hiring more Latvian supermodels as crew and making Southend on Sea, Essex, UK, the home port for the Carnival Vista. But deep down I know I will never be president of Carnival Cruise Lines, a senior beard or indeed any kind of beard because I know my limitations and when it comes to what is required to be a beard, those limitations are massive. In the old days (more…)

PIANOS, SEAGULLS AND SCHEDULES

May 1, 2014 -

John Heald

Carnival Miracle was built in Finland and, let me tell you something about the Finnish, they really were brilliant ship builders and, although once quitting time came around, they might like to hoist a pint or two (or three) but when they worked, they were as dedicated as anyone I’ve ever seen to become superb builders of sea going vessels — and indeed still are.

 But as I walk around Carnival Miracle and admire their work, which has stood the test of time here for sure, I can’t help but remember the difference between how the ship builders were during the week vs. how they were on the weekend (which you could probably say the same for a lot of European nations not to mention the U.S.). Their motto seemed to be that it was no use drinking the odd glass of beer now and then, it was too expensive and (more…)

WASH AND DRY

April 29, 2014 -

John Heald

I am staying in a guest cabin this cruise here on the Carnival Miracle, so I want to start today’s blog with an observation, if I may. In the bathroom the stateroom stewards (or “stewarts” as they are sometimes called – FFS!) place three sizes of towels for us to use. There are the big ones used after a shower and there are the medium-sized ones that we use to dry our hands and faces after a wash or a shave and can also be used to wipe away that stubborn toothpaste mark from around the sink. (more…)

A Quickie

October 11, 2011 -

John Heald

Good morning from Freeport, Grand Bahamas, where today we have been filming the last part of the four different videos you will see over the next few days. This will be a quick fire blog as I have to squeeze may fat arse in an American Eagle seat and fly back to Miami.  Peter the Hair and Jay the Recently Married are brilliant at what they do and the next series of videos will include some fantastic shots plus will also include some amazing time lapse videos as well. (more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.

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