Mr. and Mrs. Turnitdown

September 6, 2011 -

John Heald

Wow, what a difference from last cruise. I will show you the stats in a moment but we have gone from 1,000 children to just 91. And the guests are much older as well and with that in mind have a read of this:

Guest: Mrs. ________ Ref: 941285541A
Cabin: —— Booking#: _______ Added-Changed: 09/05/11 – 09/05/11

Mrs.______ came to the GSD to say that her husband and she had left the show tonight because it was too loud. Guest was very upset and said that she wanted to meet with the cruise director as she wants the volume lowered for all the shows.


Today’s blog is a little different and will concentrate mostly on how the storm affected some of the ships. So then, without further ado, let’s crack on with some Q and A. (more…)

Peter Speaks In Proper English

March 16, 2011 -

John Heald

You may remember in Monday’s blog that I got a bollocking from Geoff N about my use of British spelling in a blog read mostly by Americans. I wanted to answer him by screaming “Who invented the language you apple pie eating bastard” but I didn’t……….as that would have been unprofessional.

However, he wasn’t the only one to administer a bollocking to me about my language because I used the word “trash” instead of “rubbish” while talking to my father on the phone. And being a retired high school principal he turned into William Shakespeare and threatened his footeth wouldeth be forever upeth my arseeth………..if I ever spoke American in his presence again.

But it’s not just me. (more…)

Cruising With The Sopranos

January 10, 2011 -

John Heald

My sister Suzanne and I have always had a relationship based on my teasing her relentlessly and her putting up with it as best she could. Once when I was 14 and she was 10 I told her that Mum didn’t love us anymore and had moved to Africa, when she had just gone to the local shop for some milk. (more…)

So I came back stage ready for the Marriage Show and was horrified to discover that one of the entertainment staff was playing some hip hop rap crap drum and arse bollocks as pre-show music. I rapidly inserted my foot in his bottom and then asked why he was playing Pee Diddly and Snoop the sodding Dog before a show about love and honeymoon and romance. The excuse of “it’s all we have got backstage” resulted in my other foot finding a resting place in his chocolate starfish.

So, after the show I called the DJ and asked him for some more appropriate music. He then told me that this would take a day or two as he needed to “burn some CDs.” Now, I know that “burn some CD’s ” doesn’t involve pouring gasoline over Todd Wittmer (more…)

OK, Mrs. God……..I won’t……I promise. But I can’t help doing some pretty serious coveting about my friend Spencer who has just sent me photos of his new house in the green pastures of Surrey in the UK. It’s a stunning Georgian house set in 15 acres of beautiful gardens and has stables, an indoor swimming pool, and a huge pond full of crap……….. (more…)

Health and Safety vs. The Predator

August 12, 2010 -

John Heald

I came on the Carnival Splendor determined to make sure I change some of what I do, add new activities and bring some of the old ones back. Admittedly, I am doing this not just for the guests but for myself, I don’t want to go straight onto auto pilot and just do what I have always done. And while I have been able to change one or two things for the most part I have found it very hard to bring back some of the old style fun because of course………….times have changed.

You see, the problem is that while we weren’t looking (more…)

Jim'll Fix It

July 29, 2010 -

John Heald

I met a few famous people on the Queen Victoria. Their names won’t mean much to you but they are all household names here in the UK and of course Duchess Camilla is a name known around the world………..and they are all constantly in the spotlight. Just imagine for a moment that you are Samuel L Jackson. (more…)

Good Morning Everyone

This is Kye writing the blog today as Mummy and Daddy are upstairs shouting at each other. I think it’s about packing for our trip to the big boat called New Amsterdam tomorrow. Daddy is shouting at Mummy that she has put too much stuff in the suitcase. I heard Daddy say that he isn’t going to pay any money for having packed too much stuff. Mummy called him a cheap bastard. I don’t know what that means but as long as I have my toys and my diapers I am OK. (more…)

The Worst Movie Ever Made…And My Bottom

June 16, 2010 -

John Heald

For those people who say that my blog is based around toilet humour……… you would be correct. And after yesterday’s blog about my little Kye being sick………….she is fine now by the way…..the last thing you needed to read this morning is stuff about my bottom. So for those who would rather not may I direct you to a far more grown up blogs……….here are the link thingies.

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.