Carnival Century

August 17, 2011 -

John Heald

I would like you to see this e mail that I received from Tex, the brilliant CD on the Carnival Triumph. Here it is:


Sent: Tuesday, August 16, 2011 1:05 PM
Subject: Talent Show

Hey Gang-

Tomorrow night, Old Man Wiggle will be celebrating his 100th birthday. He’ll sign up for the Talent Show (he always does) and we need to put him last. When he’s finished with the act we’re going to sing Happy Birthday and present him with a cake. I would like to fire the green, gold and purple confetti when we finish the song. Same as we do for Big Easy.  If anyone has any questions, let me know.

Cruise Director, Carnival Triumph


Dive?…..My Arse

March 11, 2010 -

John Heald

I was speaking to bloggers Sharon and Marcus this week who told me that they went on a Beginners Scuba Tour in Cozumel this cruise……..and oh boy did that bring back some memories.

Table For One Please

March 18, 2009 -

John Heald

Yesterday was St Patrick’s Day. We had green, white and orange bunting draped listlessly on some of the bar counters with extra-cold Guinness ready to be served in ice cold bottles ……..however most of the Irish Americans dressed in their green T-shirts seemed to prefer that other famous Irish beer………Budweiser.

However……….I missed my mate Ken Byrne, maitre d of the Carnival Splendor and our talk about………. “the craic.”

The “craic” is very popular Irish phrase as popular in the Emerald Isle as “OMG” or “LOL” is online. I remember Ken once telling me though how much “Irish Pubs” that are outside of Ireland itself make him laugh. You find these pubs everywhere from Aruba to New Zealand.

The Gift!

March 16, 2009 -

John Heald

There are so many ups and downs, slings and arrows, peaks and troughs and other metaphors that I could use to describe what being a cruise director is all about. However, rather than me waffle on about this why don’t I just show you these two letters which I received on the last day of last cruise……………have a read of these


March 14, 2009 -

John Heald

Bugger………….I am really late writing this today and please forgive me as it’s not as big as it should be……….where have I heard that before………..I mean the blog isn’t as big as usual………………it’s been a very busy day.

Let’s start though at home.

Heidi is doing well but informed me that when I get home there is lots of work to be done around the house and in the garden.

And she is using her being pregnant as an excuse to not do it herself……..what a liberty. As we live in the country Heidi decided it was the law to plant vegetables and fruity stuff and now we are buggered as it all needs tending to.

University Challenged

March 12, 2009 -

John Heald

Guest: Mr ___________–Ref: 836065611A
Cabin: _______ Booking#: ________ Added-Changed: 03/10/09 – 03/10/09

Guest came to the desk to complain about the University Challenge team activity because the team from University of Wisconsin had said the wrong answer but the staff member had said it was correct. Mr ________ said that he had done lots of checking on the internet and he had proof that the answer was not right. This meant that his team from the University of Georgia were the winners and should have the trophy. Guest then demanded that we refund him the $45 he spent on the ship Internet.
GSA tasked to Cruise Director

Oh Joy.

Well, I have nobody to blame but myself. I thought it might be a bit of fun to have our usually named Super Trivia team event changed to University Challenge. And it was ………. fun………with six teams from various universities and colleges taking part. The event was won by a team from the University of Wisconsin and all was well right up to the moment Mr. Brainbox decided to query one of the answers. I called student Brainbox a few minutes ago and woke him up…………well, it was 9:30 am…….and asked him what the problem was. I should have known this wasn’t going to go well when he started his reply with the word “dude” but I carried on regardless.

Grandma, Jimmy and Wonderful Spring Breakers

March 10, 2009 -

John Heald

This morning I walked along the promenade after hosting my port adventure talk to find a group of three or four teenagers huddled around a laptop dancer computer watching something intently on the screen. Asking them what they watching I was told “Watchmen,” the movie

“Oh,” I said and as I walked away I realized that this movie was still in theaters and was not available on DVD.

Young People today……little buggers! ……..If they like a TV program, they go online and download the whole series. If they want to go to the movies and have spent their pocket money already, they download a movie. Everyone’s at it. My mate Alan told me he recently downloaded a program called Spotify, which gives you pretty much all the music in the world on your computer instantly, whether you’re into Mozart or Madonna.


March 9, 2009 -

John Heald

I had a very strange conversation with a guest on Saturday. It all started when I was at the Coffee Shop on Saturday morning with the doctor and the food & beverage manager. We were all getting our morning cuppa before the senior officer meeting. Anyway, I heard this very excitable voice say “Peter”…………now because my name is John I ignored it and carried on ordering my skinny frapacrapapoochino thingy.

Then the excitable voice got much louder………….”Peter”………………”Peter,” it bellowed and this time I looked up to see a lady in her fifties waddling towards to me ay 90 mph. Now, my first reaction was to look over my shoulder for a Peter but I already new that it was 8:50 am and the only two other people at the coffee shop were Doctor Carlos and the food & beverage manager whose name is Anhil……..who then………….was Peter ………….it was then I realized …….she was talking to me.

Two Years of Thingies

March 5, 2009 -

John Heald

Let’s start by wishing each other a very happy second blog anniversary. Two years ago I wrote my first thingy and look where we are now……….3.8 million readers and a community of fun and caring people who love life and love cruising. I thank you all for taking your valuable time to read it each day and a huge thank you to Stephanie and Vance and all the people behind the scenes who have made the blog’s continuing success possible…………..long may it continue.

It’s that time of year when cruises become a popular destination for a lot of people, including students, taking spring vacations.

And it’s not surprising that so many people gravitate to a cruise based on some of the reports out there in the news about tourists having terrible things happen while trekking through some fleapit on the wrong side of the equator.

A Blog on Two Wheels

March 3, 2009 -

John Heald

Guest: Mr _______ Ref: 835005386A
Cabin: _____ Booking#: ________ Added-Changed: 03/02/09 – 03/02/09

Guest called the desk asking to speak to the cruise director who was at the time hosting the Captain’s Party. Guest said he would not hang up the phone until she had spoken to him. GSA asked if she could help. Guest said that he had just finished watching the cruise director’s port orientation talk where he said that guests must not rent Mopeds in the ports. Guest was very angry about this as he owns a moped rental company in the Florida Keys. GSA apologized and said that it was company policy to advise guests not to rent them. Guest then started to shout and then put down the phone. Guest called back but there was no answer. E-mail sent to CD

Good morning everyone from Grand Cayman………well………sort of……………and I will explain what I mean about that later. Firstly, let’s talk about the comment above. Yes, I did indeed advise the guests that renting mopeds is not a good idea as I and my fellow cruise directors have been doing for many years. All of us have seen first hand the accidents that these machines can cause. This includes guests coming back to the ship having left various bits of skin on the road for the iguanas to nibble, guests having to stay in the islands’ hospital, and in a few cases not coming back at all.

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.