Fat people like me never really think about how fat they are unless they are presented with an economy-class seat or have to buy clothes from a store that doesn’t have the words Big or Mighty in its name. With small people, things are different. They think about their height all the time. This gives them what doctors call SMS…….small man syndrome. At parties, they feel excluded from conversations as they wander around banging their heads on coffee tables. On busy subway trains they feel bullied. And when shopping for clothes, they quickly become fed up with being directed to Baby Gap. This is why a vertically challenged psychic/”professional medium” guest is so upset, that and the fact that I refused him permission to set up in a lounge and hold “readings and contact” sessions. I listened to him, spoke respectfully to him and yet there was no way I was ever going to let him sit in the Ocean Plaza and try and contact the dead. Can you imagine the Fun Times:



September 14, 2012 -

John Heald

I think the time has come to introduce a solid gold plastic ship on a stick which is presented to those guests who have won an award for being ……well…………..being a bit dense!

After what has happened here with two guests, I think it is something we have to do. (more…)

There is a book called “Women Are from Mars and Men Are from Uranus” or something like that and, judging from what’s happened here on the Carnival Breeze in the last four days, the author of this book was sodding well right. Within hours of the ship sailing from Barcelona on Thursday, a guest from Canada had contacted the guest services desk and had requested immediate debarkation as he and his partner had decided they hated each other. Now, obviously, he had to wait until the following day when we were in Marseilles before he got off the ship as we were at sea. Luckily, we had one open cabin for the night as some guests had missed the ship in Barcelona and would rejoin us in Marseilles and so, after four years of being together, he buggered off back to Toronto leaving his partner on her own to cruise without him for 11 days. What a true shame. (more…)

We have a procedure here on the ships that when a crew member is not well, he or she will go to the ship’s doctors. Now if the doc thinks the crew member cannot work, he or she is what we call “signed off,” meaning that they cannot work until seen again by the doctors and pronounced fit for duty. This is obviously an important procedure as you don’t want a sick crew member making your chocolate melting cake, do you? Seriously, we have very strict guidelines for crew when they are ill and the medical staff on the ships provides them with brilliant medical care and I thank them so much for doing so. Usually, when I am informed about a crew member being signed off work, I am not told why as that is, of course, confidential information. Sometimes, though, the crew members will tell me themselves and, indeed, such was the case a few weeks ago.


I would like to blame the guest who demanded that we pay for his cold medicine last cruise for the fact that I now have a stinker of a cold myself but, unfortunately, I had it before I had a close encounter with this Petri dish of a chap. In between his shouting session about how Carnival would “live to regret not giving him free medical care for the cold we gave him,” he sneezed and gave leviathan coughs and both the guest services manager and I both wished we were wearing Hazmat suits. But, unfortunately, I cannot blame my mate Mr. Nyquil because I have had this sodding cold for some days now and each year, since becoming diabetic, I seem to get one like this every 12 months. Bugger!


The Grey Man

July 9, 2012 -

John Heald

I rarely pay attention to what other people are reading but over the last few days here on Carnival Breeze I have noticed a pehenomonan………a fernoman………..a phernoma………..something is very, very popular here and it all started with this comment from a guest.



June 29, 2012 -

John Heald

If I have done my job properly and had a good Welcome Aboard show and other stage appearances that have made people laugh, then I take a walk down Promenade Deck. It should take me a few days to get from the bow to the stern because people want to say hello, ask questions or simply shake your hand.

This is still one of the best parts of the job and it certainly massages my ego after I have had been kicked in the bollocks by a chap called Dave and the rest of his Pandora’s Box group on Facebook yesterday. However, while the fantastic feeling of a job well done is achieved by this Promenade Deck walks there is also the chance that you will meet someone who either doesn’t like you or the ship. Now meeting these people is part of the job and I think it’s safe to say I am a good listener and face these comments as a challenge and do my best to turn them around. But worse than any complaint, any negative comment and even worse than someone trying to sell me diet pills that make you crap yourself more than an elephant that’s just eaten an entire field of cabbage. Let me explain.



Part 1




Part 2





Part 3


Interview with Carnival CEO Gerry Cahill

May 22, 2012 -

John Heald

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.