BRUCE, STELLA AND RYAN

October 10, 2012 -

John Heald

I don’t get up to the Sports Deck here on Carnival Breeze much, mostly because I simply don’t have time and because it has the word “sports” in the title. However, I did get up there yesterday to check out the new foosball and pool tables we have had installed and to look at some work that the Fincantieri workers were doing while we were in Venice yesterday.

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LAP TOPS AND LAP DANCERS

October 1, 2012 -

John Heald

Oh, FFS! I am sorry to start today’s blog with that now well-known phrase but I just got my tickets for my trip starting October 16th. And with flights to London, Miami, New Orleans, Miami, London and Venice, it means I will be flying six times in 10 days and that’s why I started with a huge oh, FFS!

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Last week Eric the Beard launched a contest on my blog to for you to submit a slogan for the T-shirt for Bloggers Cruise 6. Now, I know that the prize was a fantastic cruise for two on BC6 right here on the Carnival Breeze, but I was shocked that 260 of you entered. And while that is wonderful and somewhat humbling to see, I am bemused even more by something and that something is why would anyone truly want a T-shirt with my name or picture on it? Obviously, putting your face or name on a T-shirt is OK if you are a superstar like LeBron James, Justin Beaver or Captain James T. Kirk …….but me …….. I am confused.

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Fighting Talk

September 19, 2012 -

John Heald

Now and then I get some posts that are very personal and attack me with such venom that it leaves me quite shaken up. There was one particular post I won’t grace with publishing but let me say it was so personal and full of such hate that it pushed my thick-skinned soul to the limit. You know, I spent all of my school years without ever getting into a fight, and even when the school bully Shane Ibrahim used to beat me with a wet towel in the changing rooms I remained calm and polite and tried to brush it off with humour. And that’s a practice that I continue to this day. (more…)

HALLOWEEN FRIGHT 2012

September 17, 2012 -

John Heald

Much of the news last week was dominated by a pair of royal breasts. Yep, poor Duchess Kate bared her bosoms in the garden of her and Prince William’s honeymoon villa only to discover that while she had her knockers out, a sleazy French photographer had disguised himself as a squirrel and taken photos of her nakedness. This should be no surprise as he was ….well, French, and this means I can talk about them. What can I tell you about the French? Well, there is a tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel which has to make it easier for the French government to run away to London during future invasions. France has a large and diversified economy which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.

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HORSES, WILLIES AND BEEPS

August 31, 2012 -

John Heald

There are some who would say that they resent being told what to do in the world we live in today. Don’t smoke, don’t eat too much salt, no right turn, keep your dog on a leash, correct change only, hold the handrail, watch your step, mind your head, don’t throw bulky objects into the toilet…… it is absolutely true that you can spend an entire day feeling scolded. Get off a plane and the flight attendant’s voice is nagging over the loudspeakers: “Remember to take all personal belongings with you.” My car bollocks me with a nagging, irritating alarm that dings loudly if I don’t fasten my seatbelt the second that I have switched on the engine. I have mentioned before about things that beep and how that beep is yet another way to tell me what to do……..and the worst of all is that bloody dishwasher. When it’s finished washing the mugs and plates, it makes a beeping noise. And if I don’t empty it immediately, it beeps again. And then again. How stupid is that?

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CONDITIONING AND THE AIR TO THE THRONE

August 27, 2012 -

John Heald

Hello, everyone. This is going to be just a quick blog as my arm is still under the care of the doctor and I want to ease into writing again slowly. My arm does feel better but the doctor said I have to be “careful” or I may need surgery again, which I want to happen in the same way I want Captain Hook to give me a rectal exam. While I was away having my carpool tunnel thingy taken care of, some of my Facebook friends wrote a couple of fantastic posts as if from our dog Breeze. They really were fun to read and, obviously, I thank those responsible for writing them.

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I had already started writing today’s blog a few hours ago as the ship sat overnight here in Venice. While I was asleep, I dreamt of running the 200 meters final representing the UK. I had been neck and neck with Usain Bolt and we crossed the line together but the judges gave Usain the gold medal because his gentleman’s sausage had crossed the line before mine. Anyway, I waddled over to the computer to find a message telling me that during the night, some “new software ” had been installed and the computer had “restarted.” My half written blog had gone. (more…)

THE LEGEND OF LONDON

August 8, 2012 -

John Heald

There is no doubt that the Olympic Games have done wonders for the city of London and the tens of thousands of people who have flown in from all over the world to visit and see huge Russian women with legs the size of truck tires throw a hammer around a field. It’s been great for me because we have had the BBC coverage of the games which I know upset one lady last cruise who felt it was biased to the British athletes but overall the games have been truly enjoyed by the vastly international 4,600 guests. Indeed, when Usaine Bolt won the 100 meters final on Sunday night the cheers from the packed Lido deck were, I am sure, heard in Jamaica.

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There is a book called “Women Are from Mars and Men Are from Uranus” or something like that and, judging from what’s happened here on the Carnival Breeze in the last four days, the author of this book was sodding well right. Within hours of the ship sailing from Barcelona on Thursday, a guest from Canada had contacted the guest services desk and had requested immediate debarkation as he and his partner had decided they hated each other. Now, obviously, he had to wait until the following day when we were in Marseilles before he got off the ship as we were at sea. Luckily, we had one open cabin for the night as some guests had missed the ship in Barcelona and would rejoin us in Marseilles and so, after four years of being together, he buggered off back to Toronto leaving his partner on her own to cruise without him for 11 days. What a true shame. (more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.