August 26, 2013 -

John Heald

 We serve of them on average of 600 portions each cruise here on the Carnival Legend and their popularity keeps on rising. There was a public outcry when due to droughts in Indonesia, we could not source them. Yep, we are of course talking about snails or to give them their posh name…….escargots. If there is such a thing as reincarnation, please, Mrs. God, don’t let me come back as a snail – what a miserable life they lead. You spend your life trying to avoid being swallowed by a bird, crushed underfoot into a shell/slime soufflé or boiled alive, smothered with garlic butter and devoured by Mr. and Mrs. Seaugo in the dining room of a Carnival ship. Regardless, it seems you love them and here is a photo of Sid the Snail and his mates as taken by Mr. Radu. (more…)


“It’s too loud — are you trying to kill people in there?”……..and with that a very upset elderly British lady waved her hand in my face as I tried to talk to her and stomped out of the lounge. Hello, everyone, from a beautiful morning here in St. Petersburg, Russia. Yep, that lady I just told you about was not happy and I did my best to appease her and followed her down Promenade Deck away from the show room trying to apologise, trying to get her to talk to me. But her British lip was stiff and defiantly in the upright position and she waved me away again like she was swatting a mosquito with a rolled up newspaper. (more…)

 So as everyone else is still talking about Prince George……so will I. And just in case Prince William reads this blog (why wouldn’t he?), I thought that as George reaches a week old, I would give Will some advice. Yes, he will be surrounded by butlers and nannies and queens and servants but they won’t tell him the most important thing about being a father. And that is Mr. Prince……. now that your wife has had a baby, you can never ever be in pain ever, ever again. You see Willy, my daughter is now four years old and since she came in to our life, no matter what illness I have, it doesn’t matter anymore. (more…)


July 17, 2013 -

John Heald

I was talking with a fellow cruise director a few days ago and as we chatted on the satellite phone — me in Dover, UK, and my colleague just waking up in the western Caribbean — he told me about the difficulties he had recently gone through, thanks to Tropical Storm Chantal. It wasn’t the storm that had caused him difficulties — no, it was a couple of guests who went beyond the usual disappointment that every guest feels when a change of itinerary occurs and became abusive and angry. This is, as the great Welsh, hip-gyrating Tom Jones says, “not unusual.” Not only on Carnival but on every other cruise line in the world………maybe with the exception of P&O because Brits never complain about anything in public. But seriously, on every ship that is affected by Mother Nature, there are people who do not and will not understand that the cruise lines make these changes to avoid ……..ummmmm………….how do I put it ………. ummmmm……ummmmm……oh, yes, I know…………..DEATH! (more…)


July 11, 2013 -

John Heald

In recent years, when I would walk around the ship I would see toddlers and younger children who were not enjoying the fun at Camp Carnival playing with teddy bears, toys and whatever is on the table……..knives, pepper pots and bits of food. Fast-forward to today and you will see kids aged as young as two ignoring the fascinations of a straw and a glass of ice and instead concentrating on their eyepads. My gorgeous daughter, Kye, is now four but from aged three she could navigate from start up to shut down, accessing her Peppa Pig cartoons on YouTube, the iplayers and game programs I had installed for her. (more…)


June 26, 2013 -

John Heald

I haven’t had much chance to write about my recent trip to Galveston to see the new and shiny Carnival Triumph. The flight from London seemed to go on forever and the 10 hours felt like so much more. And when we landed in Houston, I was tired, cramped and seriously grumpy. Anyway, I had listened to the flight attendant warn us that we must not use our cell phones until we were off the plane and off I ran with the other 300 passengers toward United States Customs and Border Protection. I reached the hall where this was taking place and swore immediately under my breath as the lines were exactly as they were in Miami…….long…… “Oh FFS,” I said. So I took my place wondering if I smelled as badly as the chap in front of me and started the long shuffle toward the inspectors. (more…)

It seems like ages since I have written a blog. It has been difficult to do so with all the travelling I have been doing and of course it is much easier to find material for the blog when I am on the ship as a cruise director. That was what the blog was always supposed to be, a diary of my life as a CD and, certainly, if I was to ask you I am sure that most would say the stories of life on a cruise ship and tales of disgruntled guests is what you enjoy and the reason the blog now has 16.1 million page views. So at the end of this month, the blog will return to its natural habitat and there will be no doubt lots to share with you as the Carnival Legend heads to Europe. (more…)

Sent: Wednesday, June 20, 2012 6:31 PM
Subject: 10*** – Meeting with John

Good afternoon John,

Mr. and Mrs. _______ from cabin 10*** are asking to speak to you. They still have no luggage which was lost by Iberia. We have tried to work with the airline but so far they have not found it. Guests are very angry and upset and are blaming us even though they booked the flight independent to Carnival. They have no insurance and really are upset. Not sure what you can say, John, but maybe you can call them.

Thank you and best regards,

Guest Services Associate, Carnival Breeze

Let me start by saying that I have nothing but sympathy for these guests and they, along with 11 other cabins here on Carnival Breeze, have had the misfortune of the airlines losing luggage. (more…)


June 19, 2012 -

John Heald

I should mention before I start that the start of today’s blog and indeed the end bit may be a different to the usual rubbish I write. That’s because I want to use this forum to talk about my friend and one of Carnival’s finest, funniest and most exuberant cruise directors Mr. Corey Schmidt who died last month.

For those of us who knew Corey, it has been difficult to comprehend his passing. Now, if I were to write this blog responsibly, with adequate research to confirm certain facts, I’d have to ask people about the last time they saw or spoke with or heard from my friend Corey. But I’m afraid to ask his family those questions. I’m afraid to talk with his wife or those who spent the last few years by his side; I don’t know why this happened.


May 18, 2012 -

John Heald

Here is the schedule for June, July and August and I will have the rest of the year as soon as I can. May I take this opportunity to thank all my Cruise Director colleagues for their continuing hard work and their dedication in making sure you have the most fun possible.

CD Schedule Summer 2012

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.