Silence in the Bathroom……….. Please.

August 21, 2015 -

John Heald

My mate, Danny, has an electric car. It’s called the Nissan Look At Me, I Am Greener Than Shrek’s Scrotum and, after being fully charged, it can drive for an astonishing 80 miles before you have to pull over and plug it in again. While I know Al Gore would grow a third leg if we all drove electric cars, I still love the sound of a growling V8. You see, for all the benefits of an electric car, one of the drawbacks is that it makes less noise than a dead yak. And this got me thinking. I am sure, as I sit here writing this in my underpants, that there are very clever men and women who are locked away in laboratories trying to perfect planes that are silent and can fly over populated areas without so much as a whisper. If then they do perfect silent propulsion, I hope we can put it to some use on our ships. (more…)


April 29, 2014 -

John Heald

I am staying in a guest cabin this cruise here on the Carnival Miracle, so I want to start today’s blog with an observation, if I may. In the bathroom the stateroom stewards (or “stewarts” as they are sometimes called – FFS!) place three sizes of towels for us to use. There are the big ones used after a shower and there are the medium-sized ones that we use to dry our hands and faces after a wash or a shave and can also be used to wipe away that stubborn toothpaste mark from around the sink. (more…)


November 12, 2013 -

John Heald

This is not going to be my best blog ever, just letting you know. That’s because I have just come out of one meeting and in between organizing the last details of the Carnival Sunshine naming ceremony I have just had a two-hour meeting with someone who can only be described as ……………ummmm……………boring. The person who was leading the meeting is excellent at his or her job but bloody hell……he or she really is boring. Even if they had just been abducted by a naked space alien with three eyes and a 22 foot long thing who had said “take me to your leader” in a French accent..…he or she would still tell that storing in such a boring way. The meeting this morning was indeed so boring that I wished I was a horse so I could fall asleep standing up. I wish I could have found an excuse not to attend this meeting but when certain beards find out I am in Miami they like to schedule a meeting with. In the old days I would have found an excuse, I used to be really good at that but as I got older I got more responsible ………bugger. I have been thinking about my early life at Carnival recently and you will see why later in the blog and I remember one excuse I used. (more…)


July 17, 2013 -

John Heald

I was talking with a fellow cruise director a few days ago and as we chatted on the satellite phone — me in Dover, UK, and my colleague just waking up in the western Caribbean — he told me about the difficulties he had recently gone through, thanks to Tropical Storm Chantal. It wasn’t the storm that had caused him difficulties — no, it was a couple of guests who went beyond the usual disappointment that every guest feels when a change of itinerary occurs and became abusive and angry. This is, as the great Welsh, hip-gyrating Tom Jones says, “not unusual.” Not only on Carnival but on every other cruise line in the world………maybe with the exception of P&O because Brits never complain about anything in public. But seriously, on every ship that is affected by Mother Nature, there are people who do not and will not understand that the cruise lines make these changes to avoid ……..ummmmm………….how do I put it ………. ummmmm……ummmmm……oh, yes, I know…………..DEATH! (more…)

Fighting Talk

September 19, 2012 -

John Heald

Now and then I get some posts that are very personal and attack me with such venom that it leaves me quite shaken up. There was one particular post I won’t grace with publishing but let me say it was so personal and full of such hate that it pushed my thick-skinned soul to the limit. You know, I spent all of my school years without ever getting into a fight, and even when the school bully Shane Ibrahim used to beat me with a wet towel in the changing rooms I remained calm and polite and tried to brush it off with humour. And that’s a practice that I continue to this day. (more…)

I had already started writing today’s blog a few hours ago as the ship sat overnight here in Venice. While I was asleep, I dreamt of running the 200 meters final representing the UK. I had been neck and neck with Usain Bolt and we crossed the line together but the judges gave Usain the gold medal because his gentleman’s sausage had crossed the line before mine. Anyway, I waddled over to the computer to find a message telling me that during the night, some “new software ” had been installed and the computer had “restarted.” My half written blog had gone. (more…)

So during the show last night, I took some people from the audience for some pre-show fun before the Divas revue. It included a young couple who, when I asked for their names and where they were from, they replied they were from Denver, Colorado. I then shocked myself by instead of saying, “Are you having fun?” or “What’s your favourite port so far?” or “Bugger me your wife is gorgeous, are they real?” I went straight into the, “I am so sorry, how dreadful, it’s awful, I hope they cut his bollocks off and shove 50,000 volts through his arse.”

Today, I am going to highlight some of the comments we have received from guests about their cruise experience. Now let me start by trumpeting very loudly that in all the 14 inaugural cruises I have been privileged to do as cruise director, that the Carnival Breeze has (touch wood) been the best by a long, long way with oodles of wonderful comments and lashings of praise. Why? Well, because the Carnival Breeze is our best ship yet. The end. (more…)


May 18, 2012 -

John Heald

Here is the schedule for June, July and August and I will have the rest of the year as soon as I can. May I take this opportunity to thank all my Cruise Director colleagues for their continuing hard work and their dedication in making sure you have the most fun possible.

CD Schedule Summer 2012


April 11, 2012 -

John Heald

The race for the republican nomination is over it seems and that’s big news here in the UK where American politics still sets the tone. Mitt Romney it seems is your choice to challenge President Obama. Now don’t worry, I am not going to lob a huge dollop of my political beliefs at you this beautiful Wednesday morning but I have to say………..he is a bit ummmm…….robotic…….and may I say ummmm……a bit boring as well. And what’s with the hair. Surely he must know that his sculptured hairstyle is far to perfect. If I was him I would wear a crash helmet an hour before going on stage because look how perfect hair helped that John Edwards chap.


Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.