April 29, 2014 -

John Heald

I am staying in a guest cabin this cruise here on the Carnival Miracle, so I want to start today’s blog with an observation, if I may. In the bathroom the stateroom stewards (or “stewarts” as they are sometimes called – FFS!) place three sizes of towels for us to use. There are the big ones used after a shower and there are the medium-sized ones that we use to dry our hands and faces after a wash or a shave and can also be used to wipe away that stubborn toothpaste mark from around the sink. (more…)


July 17, 2013 -

John Heald

I was talking with a fellow cruise director a few days ago and as we chatted on the satellite phone — me in Dover, UK, and my colleague just waking up in the western Caribbean — he told me about the difficulties he had recently gone through, thanks to Tropical Storm Chantal. It wasn’t the storm that had caused him difficulties — no, it was a couple of guests who went beyond the usual disappointment that every guest feels when a change of itinerary occurs and became abusive and angry. This is, as the great Welsh, hip-gyrating Tom Jones says, “not unusual.” Not only on Carnival but on every other cruise line in the world………maybe with the exception of P&O because Brits never complain about anything in public. But seriously, on every ship that is affected by Mother Nature, there are people who do not and will not understand that the cruise lines make these changes to avoid ……..ummmmm………….how do I put it ………. ummmmm……ummmmm……oh, yes, I know…………..DEATH! (more…)


May 18, 2012 -

John Heald

Here is the schedule for June, July and August and I will have the rest of the year as soon as I can. May I take this opportunity to thank all my Cruise Director colleagues for their continuing hard work and their dedication in making sure you have the most fun possible.

CD Schedule Summer 2012


February 17, 2012 -

John Heald

It’s Friday February 17 and its time to pay tribute to something that has slowly disappeared from the Promenade Decks and dining rooms of the Carnival fleet. No, not the sodding shrimp cocktail ……….the gentleman’s tuxedo. My first remembrance of the tuxedo or dinner jacket as it’s known in the land of spotted dick and Simon Cowell was when I hired one from a store called Moss Bros. It was for a posh party and my mate Alan and I thought it would be “cool” to wear a tuxedo. Turns out it wasn’t and we were the only two people wearing such attire and to the other party goers we didn’t look cool at all. We looked like total and utter plonkers and we might as well have stood there wearing baggy underpants…… because the girls ignored us. We ended up drowning our sorrows with cheap wine and the next day I returned my hired tuxedo to the store explaining to the man on the returns desk that it was covered in vomit when I rented it.


February 15, 2012 -

John Heald

Just before I left home for the Carnival Magic my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter Kye discovered the word “why.” “Don’t throw Dadda’s cell phone in the toilet” ……..”Why?” is her response. And judging by what happened to me last night at the captain’s celebration I only have even more to worry about from her in the future. You see I was standing with the captain and senior officers when two bloggers approached me and at this point let me say a big hello to Jodie and Tom Marshall and their five-year-old son Brady. As we were chatting and talking about the blog and Facebook and their cruise, Brady, who was obviously bored, pulled on his father’s sleeve and pointing at me asked “Why is he so fat?”

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.