BOOK………………ENDS.

September 27, 2013 -

John Heald

So here we are, three days into the trans-Atlantic crossing, and we will be talking a lot about this over the next few days here and on Facebook, I am sure. And today I want to start by talking about books. Now I have done ummmm……….ummmmm……..bugger me………..I have no idea how many TA’s I have done but it’s a heck of a lot. Some, I don’t remember, some I do.  There was one on Carnival Freedom where I was tormented by one guest who looked like Rodney Dangerfield, one on Carnival Liberty with a huge GI outbreak that certainly wasn’t fun, and one on the Carnival Splendor that was amazing because we had 16 days of glass-like water as we crossed the pond, it literally was…….. a pond. (more…)

The Hangover………before the TA

September 23, 2013 -

John Heald

 

“We should ban anyone over 40 from drinking alcohol on board.” Good morning. It’s 8:35 am here as I begin to write this part of today’s blog. My morning started with a visit to the coffee shop before I hosted the Morning Show and that’s when I met a guest who, through half-closed eyes and the complexion of a bullfrog, said these words, “We should ban anyone over 40 from drinking alcohol on board.” (more…)

GAME OF MOANS

September 3, 2013 -

John Heald

These days, most TV game shows like Who Wants to be a Millionaire or Jeopardy tend to have celebrity versions where Z-list celebrities are people who came 28th on American Idol or have been in a soap opera or a reality show with Mr. Trump or who starred in a rumpy pumpy tape that their boyfriend filmed without their knowledge. Instead of us watching regular members of the public on a TV game show, sweating nervously as they try to win enough money for a Carnival cruise or a new car or to buy a bigger thingy, we have a celebrity who most of us have never heard of trying to win lots of money for the charities that often involve donkeys or the protection of a rare bird that has been sighted off the coast of Michigan. (more…)

My wife Heidi runs a very tight domestic ship. With me traveling and being away as much as I am, she runs the household completely. Heidi pays the all the bills and makes sure my subscription to “Latvians In Stockings Weekly” is paid, takes care of all things around the house and garden and any DIY.

 She also has the traditional duties of cook, cleaner and occasional nurse. Indeed, the title of housewife no longer describes what she does. Yep, Heidi is our domestic chief executive officer. Now, like other CEOs, Heidi has to deal with hostile takeover bids as in attempts by others who have a fetish for fat ugly British cruise directors who try to seduce her husband. Like CEOs Heidi has to deal with, demands of long-term board members, or in this case, our parents. (more…)

WEINERS AND BARBIES

July 31, 2013 -

John Heald

My daughter Kye no longer loves that purple bastard dinosaur or the bag of sausages sometimes known as Peppa Pig. Nope, they are gone and forgotten because my daughter Kye, aged four …….. now loves Barbie. She watches the movies with sickly titles like Barbie and the Red Shoes, Barbie in a Mermaid Tale, Barbie Does Dallas and Barbie Divorces Ken. And she has the Barbie Dream House and the Barbie Cruise Ship and lots of Barbie clothes for her Barbie dolls while Ken lives in a cardboard box in the shed. It reminds me of when my sister played with her Barbies and what I would do to them when she wasn’t looking.  I chopped their hair off and gave them a bath in the toilet. I pierced their ears with a huge safety pin. I painted their nipples blue and one had the same number of legs as Paul McCartney’s ex-girlfriend. I hate Barbie just as much as I hated Barney. Yesterday, I called home to wish Kye goodnight and tell her I love as I always do and she insisted on singing a song called “She’s the Queen of the Waves” which, of course, is from a Barbie movie. (more…)

NO FLY ZONE

July 15, 2013 -

John Heald

 

Yesterday while the Carnival Legend was bobbing about in the beautiful harbour of Tallinn, Estonia, I headed up to the spa for a haircut. Actually, that’s bollocks. Because in today’s metrosexual world, it is impossible for this cuddly cruise director to have a simple haircut. Nope, what I have to do in the Carnival Legend Spa……… is have my hair “styled.” Actually, that’s not true because I could go to the crew barber. As I mentioned in a blog some weeks ago, each ship has a crew barber who after he has finished doing his real job – be it a waiter, cook, captain, etc. — he will go down to a small room below deck and cut hair. Now when I was on Carnival Breeze, the chap who did this was excellent. He got the clippers out and, five minutes later, you looked all clean and tidy and with a haircut that looked good. (more…)

 One day, there won’t be any cruise ships. Obviously not in our generation or even maybe the next or indeed the one after that, but one day man will move from A to B using personal jetpacks and vacation on the planet Uranus and hardly anyone will care about cruise ships. Seriously, think about it because mankind will have come up with something better. It’s happened before, after all. Every day, I sit here in my underpants thinking up new things to write to the thousands of you waiting to click on my latest bunch of bollocks about my life as a cruise director and cruising in general. And maybe this blog is being stored on a vast computer somewhere and maybe this will be the only way future generations will know what cruising was all about. (more…)

BREAKFAST IN BED

July 3, 2013 -

John Heald

 

We start today with some room service.

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ANGER MANAGEMENT

July 1, 2013 -

John Heald

 Good morning from this, the last day of our first Baltic cruise. Tomorrow we will be in Belgium and more on that later but, overall, it has been a huge success and the ports, as always, steal the show. I won’t say that there weren’t challenges. I had a guest who hated, truly hated the live German Music and Bavarian Food Party we did on Lido deck. The rest of the guests are still talking about it but this guest is so upset that it’s all I can think about when anyone mentions the words, “oompah” or “bratwurst.” I felt genuinely sorry for him as for reasons I won’t go into here, it was a party that made him so angry, he cried real tears. It’s at times like that you forget the 2,000 and remember just the one and then as a cruise director you find yourself second guessing if doing a party like that was a good choice or not. (more…)

INDEPENDENT TOURS AND INDEPENDENCE DAY

June 28, 2013 -

John Heald

From: LEGEND GUEST SERVICESSent: Wednesday, June 26, 2013 10:54 PM
To: LEGEND CRUISE DIRECTORCc: LEGEND ASSISTANT CRUISE DIRECTOR; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES SUPERVISOR; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES MANAGER; LEGEND GUEST SERVICES
Subject: Comment about Karaoke

Good evening John, I spoke with two guests this evening about karaoke. They are saying that the _____ group of guests is taking over and that others don’t have the chance to sing. Can you look into this please?

 

Kind regards,

 

Guest Services Associate, Carnival Legend
Carnival Cruise Lines

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Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.

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