October 28, 2013 -

John Heald

 I took my daughter Kye to school for the first time last week. She is only four. The process, though, has started. It was both heartbreaking and sort of exciting to walk Kye up the path to a place where I would leave her behind from 9 am – 3 pm…..but, ultimately, forever as she starts to make her way in the world under the guidance of Miss Newman, Mr. Barton and, indeed, guidance other than that of my wife Heidi and I. (more…)

Here is Greenland

October 10, 2013 -

John Heald

Hello everyone,

I thought you might like to see what our guests experienced these past 15 days on our amazing trans Atlantic voyage on Carnival Legend.

My thanks to Martin, our videographer, for his great camera work. So sit back and let’s go to Greenland.


It’s quite comical, really. You see, Carnival Legend has, these past few weeks, docked in ports we have never been to before such as Oslo, Edinburgh, Belfast, Reykjavik and others. In all of these ports, we have been met with wonderful hospitality and upon arrival and departure, there have been locals who have come to see the famous “whale tale” that is Carnival Cruise Lines. But here is the comical bit. Every time I spoke to our ship’s agent or some local people or the local entertainers and mentioned how nice it was to see people coming to take photos of the ship, they all said the same thing: “You should have seen it when the Queen Mary 2 was here, hundreds, maybe thousands, came to see the ship!”



October 1, 2013 -

John Heald

When planning this trans-Atlantic crossing, there were two difficult concerns I faced– what entertainers to choose and what movies the guests would enjoy.

I based my decisions on both those categories on the average age being 73 and knowing that they probably would not enjoy a Bon Jovi Tribute Band, a balloon animal act, The Fast and The Furious 27 or Saw 32, I went with entertainers and movies that were, I thought, more suitable and so far……………touch wood…………..why is there never any wood around when you need some……bugger….hold on….where’s my Latvians in suspenders calendar………..ahhhhh, there it is…………ok, that’s the wood touched…………so far, there have been no complaints about either. (more…)


September 27, 2013 -

John Heald

So here we are, three days into the trans-Atlantic crossing, and we will be talking a lot about this over the next few days here and on Facebook, I am sure. And today I want to start by talking about books. Now I have done ummmm……….ummmmm……..bugger me………..I have no idea how many TA’s I have done but it’s a heck of a lot. Some, I don’t remember, some I do.  There was one on Carnival Freedom where I was tormented by one guest who looked like Rodney Dangerfield, one on Carnival Liberty with a huge GI outbreak that certainly wasn’t fun, and one on the Carnival Splendor that was amazing because we had 16 days of glass-like water as we crossed the pond, it literally was…….. a pond. (more…)

The Hangover………before the TA

September 23, 2013 -

John Heald


“We should ban anyone over 40 from drinking alcohol on board.” Good morning. It’s 8:35 am here as I begin to write this part of today’s blog. My morning started with a visit to the coffee shop before I hosted the Morning Show and that’s when I met a guest who, through half-closed eyes and the complexion of a bullfrog, said these words, “We should ban anyone over 40 from drinking alcohol on board.” (more…)


September 17, 2013 -

John Heald

 I started to give up caring what clothes I wore and about fashion as I gradually got fatter during my late twenties, in the same way I gave up on nightclubs, ever seeing my gentleman’s sausage again without the help of a mirror, or downing tequila shots at Carlos and Charlie’s with Calvyn in Cozumel. Even as a kid, I didn’t care and the only time I did care about clothes was during my single and thin twenties when I thought clothes could get me some rumpy pumpy. This proved to be bollocks because you can’t polish a turd……..if you get my meaning. As a cruise director, though, I have to look smart…..ish. My usual attire is a blue blazer, open-neck shirts and nicely pressed trousers and mostly clean underpants. Comfortable shoes are also a must for me. (more…)

The Bloggers Cruise will be on Carnival Sunshine on February 16th 2014 from New Orleans and registering will entitle you to be part of the private events, shows, activities and a few gifts from me to you………, not fruit.

I am planning a lot of surprises for this cruise and I will also be bringing some of the entertainment I have been highlighting here in Europe so I have no doubt that this will be the best bloggers cruise ever. I truly hope to see you there.





Here is the link


September 12, 2013 -

John Heald

Sometimes we make mistakes………….embarrassing ones……………like this:

Sent: Tuesday, September 10, 2013 7:09 PM
Subject: Schedule Friends of Bill W


Good evening John,

Mr_________from cabin _____ called about the Friends of Bill W meeting which in the Fun Times says it will be at 5 pm at the Atlantis Bar. Mr._______feels that it is not appropriate to have this meeting at a bar and would like to discuss this with you.

Thank you & kind regards,

Guest Services Associate, Carnival Legend
Carnival Cruise Lines


My morning started with tears, lots of tears. Not mine but one of my staff’s. A dancer, in fact, who was unceremoniously dumped by her Italian boyfriend who is home on vacation and told her by email that their two-year romance was over and, when he returned to Carnival Legend in New York, that he would be doing so as a single man. And that was me putting my big brother hat on. Actually, that’s bollocks. The dancer is 25 so I put my dad hat on……oh, FFS, I am seriously old. I felt very sorry for her and my offer of a shoulder to cry on accompanied by a box of tissues, seemed to help a little, but not much. I had seen her looking very sad backstage the night before and sensing something wasn’t right, I said if she needed to talk that she could call me. She did. And the water works began. (more…)

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.