July 15, 2013 -

John Heald


Yesterday while the Carnival Legend was bobbing about in the beautiful harbour of Tallinn, Estonia, I headed up to the spa for a haircut. Actually, that’s bollocks. Because in today’s metrosexual world, it is impossible for this cuddly cruise director to have a simple haircut. Nope, what I have to do in the Carnival Legend Spa……… is have my hair “styled.” Actually, that’s not true because I could go to the crew barber. As I mentioned in a blog some weeks ago, each ship has a crew barber who after he has finished doing his real job – be it a waiter, cook, captain, etc. — he will go down to a small room below deck and cut hair. Now when I was on Carnival Breeze, the chap who did this was excellent. He got the clippers out and, five minutes later, you looked all clean and tidy and with a haircut that looked good. (more…)


July 11, 2013 -

John Heald

In recent years, when I would walk around the ship I would see toddlers and younger children who were not enjoying the fun at Camp Carnival playing with teddy bears, toys and whatever is on the table……..knives, pepper pots and bits of food. Fast-forward to today and you will see kids aged as young as two ignoring the fascinations of a straw and a glass of ice and instead concentrating on their eyepads. My gorgeous daughter, Kye, is now four but from aged three she could navigate from start up to shut down, accessing her Peppa Pig cartoons on YouTube, the iplayers and game programs I had installed for her. (more…)

 One day, there won’t be any cruise ships. Obviously not in our generation or even maybe the next or indeed the one after that, but one day man will move from A to B using personal jetpacks and vacation on the planet Uranus and hardly anyone will care about cruise ships. Seriously, think about it because mankind will have come up with something better. It’s happened before, after all. Every day, I sit here in my underpants thinking up new things to write to the thousands of you waiting to click on my latest bunch of bollocks about my life as a cruise director and cruising in general. And maybe this blog is being stored on a vast computer somewhere and maybe this will be the only way future generations will know what cruising was all about. (more…)


July 3, 2013 -

John Heald


We start today with some room service.



July 1, 2013 -

John Heald

 Good morning from this, the last day of our first Baltic cruise. Tomorrow we will be in Belgium and more on that later but, overall, it has been a huge success and the ports, as always, steal the show. I won’t say that there weren’t challenges. I had a guest who hated, truly hated the live German Music and Bavarian Food Party we did on Lido deck. The rest of the guests are still talking about it but this guest is so upset that it’s all I can think about when anyone mentions the words, “oompah” or “bratwurst.” I felt genuinely sorry for him as for reasons I won’t go into here, it was a party that made him so angry, he cried real tears. It’s at times like that you forget the 2,000 and remember just the one and then as a cruise director you find yourself second guessing if doing a party like that was a good choice or not. (more…)


June 28, 2013 -

John Heald

From: LEGEND GUEST SERVICESSent: Wednesday, June 26, 2013 10:54 PM
Subject: Comment about Karaoke

Good evening John, I spoke with two guests this evening about karaoke. They are saying that the _____ group of guests is taking over and that others don’t have the chance to sing. Can you look into this please?


Kind regards,


Guest Services Associate, Carnival Legend
Carnival Cruise Lines



June 26, 2013 -

John Heald

I haven’t had much chance to write about my recent trip to Galveston to see the new and shiny Carnival Triumph. The flight from London seemed to go on forever and the 10 hours felt like so much more. And when we landed in Houston, I was tired, cramped and seriously grumpy. Anyway, I had listened to the flight attendant warn us that we must not use our cell phones until we were off the plane and off I ran with the other 300 passengers toward United States Customs and Border Protection. I reached the hall where this was taking place and swore immediately under my breath as the lines were exactly as they were in Miami…….long…… “Oh FFS,” I said. So I took my place wondering if I smelled as badly as the chap in front of me and started the long shuffle toward the inspectors. (more…)


June 24, 2013 -

John Heald


So here I am after 12 days of traveling, flying and farting back with you on the blog. In fact, here I am in my cabin on the Carnival Legend this morning.


john missing kye


Notice anything different? Yep, I am wearing glasses. For some time now, I’ve suspected my eyes were tired from all these days at the computer and that some spectacles might be a good idea. But I’ve always been nervous about coming out because of a simple truism…..while I have no fear of blood, detached limbs or anything that is associated with blood and gore….the thought of anything to do with eyes makes me physically sick. I can’t use eye drops, and I feel physically sick at the thought of having a retinal scan. I can’t even watch a close-up of someone’s eyes on hospital shows. So, given the choice of putting in a pair of contact lenses or having H82SEAUGO paint an RCI anchor symbol on my buttocks, I’d have my underpants down pretty dam quickly.  This comes from the last eye test I had. Obviously, I am well aware that having type 2 diabetes means I must be very careful about my eyes and, therefore, last year I went to my optician…..and it was a dreadful, agonizing experience. Maybe it was the freezing liquid in my eye, maybe it was the stinging sensation that felt like my eyes were on fire or maybe it was the fact that for hours after the test, my eyes were weeping so much I looked like I had missed a call from Megan Fox who was asking to have lashings of rumpy pumpy with her or it could have been the optician was inches from my face and he had breath that came straight from a skunk’s bottom.


Celtic Thunder Cruise update

June 18, 2013 -

John Heald

Recently, I told you that I was coing to be cruising on The Celtic Thunder Cruise this fall on Carnival Victory.  There was just something about a 5 day Irish blowout that was calling me.  Well, I had read that some of  you  would love to go, but only if I could get them a “deal”. And so with thanks to the wonderful oraganisers the Celtic Thunder Cruise folks honoured my request  and are now offering very special “JOHN HEALD’S BLOGGERS” rates for the cruise. 


When you call their office (toll free at 855.523.5842), be sure to mention this blog and you will get the best deal.  I have always wanted to say that.  To give you a hint at the BLOGGERS savings,


Interior CURRENT PRICE/PERSON – $ 799          JOHN HEALD PRICE/PERSO – $ 699

Join me on the Celtic Thunder Cruise and get ready for a brilliant time.



Here John takes you through the great day we had as we welcomed back Carnival Triumph, and saw her off as she prepared for the first leg of her voyage — heading toward Cozumel. Enjoy!

Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.