January 14, 2013 -

John Heald

As you know, I do not drink and ever since I was as a young cruise director back in 1827 on the Carnival Fantasy who had enjoyed a few too many cognacs and couldn’t remember how he got through a man overboard rescue operation………..alcohol has never touched my lips. (more…)


January 7, 2013 -

John Heald

Social media can be a minefield that, if you are not careful, will blow your bollocks off. For many people, sites like Facebook are all about simply finding someone you had rumpy pumpy with 10 years ago and contacting her asking if there is a chance that you do so again. (more…)


January 3, 2013 -

John Heald

So here I am with the first blog of 2013 and as you will read shortly it’s business as usual with some news, lots of juvenile humour from yours truly and the Q&A session which I am sure for many of you is your favourite part. I did give a massive dollop of consideration to not answering questions on the blog anymore as I answer three billion a day on Facebook but as not everyone has Facebook and because it has always been part of the makeup of the blog thingy I shall indeed continue to sit here in my underpants and answer 10 per blog. (more…)

Merry Christm…… Happy Holidays Everyone.

December 17, 2012 -

John Heald

There are certain things in this world that cost ridiculous amounts of money for reasons I can’t fathom. Take razor blades, for example. Can someone explain to me then why razor blades probably cost about 50 cents each to make, but are so sodding expensive to buy? Maybe they are so expensive as the company that makes them has to pay David Beckham millions of dollars to stand at a mirror shaving with a cucumber shoved down his underpants. There are other things that cost so much to buy that I wonder why they can get away with such baffling sums of money. Batteries, sun lotion and bottled water that has been “flowing through the Swiss mountains for hundreds of years” yet costs ridiculous amounts and come with a sodding sell by date!  Or at least that’s what I thought until I discussed the outrageous price of Gillette razors with Calvyn. (more…)


December 3, 2012 -

John Heald

One of the beards wrote me an email last night from his eye pad. It was 11:20 pm and he told me he was writing it from in bed while his wife lay next to him asleep. Oh, FFS, get a life. What a sad bastard he must be I thought, lying in bed writing emails. But then I realised what an idiot I was because I was reading his email on my blackberry in my underpants with my legs planted firmly under the Intercontinentahyattarriot’s duvet. I then realised that I do this all the time whether I am on a ship, hotel or at home and I do it quite a lot! This is probably not a good thing and will probably mean that I will have less rumpy pumpy than a Benedictine monk. Anyway, it’s now Sunday evening, 11:45pm and I am writing this piece of today’s blog from my bed in my underpants with my laptop resting on my beach ball of a belly. (more…)


November 30, 2012 -

John Heald

During the CD conference last week on Carnival Breeze we spoke about our commitment to help raise money for St Jude Children’s Research Hospital and their continuing fight to find a cure for childhood cancer. Our objective is to raise $3 million and thanks to you we are well on our way to reaching that goal.

The Groove For St. Jude event is going to be revitalised thanks to some brilliant ideas from the cruise directors and I will be more specific about how this will work in the weeks ahead but look out for news on this at the start of January 2013. There were many great ideas from the CDs and some not so great ideas including one that only I seemed to want to reject. Yep, I was the only negative voice in a sea of positives and while I would do almost anything to help this brilliant organisation there is one thing I will not do……nope………I won’t do what one of the metrosexual, good looking, thin, well groomed bastard of a cruise director suggested……. and that’s a calendar of the cruise directors in different “poses.” (more…)


November 28, 2012 -

John Heald

It’s strange to think that I won’t be a cruise director for a few months after spending seven months in the chair on the Carnival Breeze. I won’t be the CD for BC6, although I will be hosting a Marriage Show and Calvyn and I will host live morning shows for the audience to enjoy. It never gets easier being an older cruise director and especially during the conference last week when I was surrounded by youth and vitality and more hair product than a sodding beauty salon …………..and that’s just the male CDs. (more…)


November 26, 2012 -

John Heald

I had originally written the start of today’s blog yesterday. It was a piece about my thoughts on how some of the cruise directors I had spent the last few days and how they dressed, spoke and groomed their dangly bits with scissors and weed whackers and how that made me feel old. But after my experience this morning I decided to press delete on that and tell you about something else that happened to me. As you know, been travelling between Antigua and Miami and then Miami back to the Carnival Breeze and then back here to my room at the Interhyattarriot. During this time, I have worn my beloved blue blazer and my grey dress pants which after examination yesterday, I realised needed a serious bit of dry cleaning especially as I had spilled some fried onion that had dropped out of my sensational SeaDogs hot dog and onto my crotch.



November 19, 2012 -

John Heald

A compact car……a sodding compact car. Are you kidding me? My fat, flaccid arse, Calvyn’s huge oil rig thighs and three suitcases……in a Ford Focus. Oh, FFS. “So upgrade,” I hear you all cry. Ummmmm……….I can’t. It’s strict company policy that no upgrades are allowed and if I did ignore this policy, the lady in charge of the entire company’s travel and expenses credit card bills would not be happy. The lady in question is De and she is the most wonderful lady and has been with us for many many years and we all love her. In fact I think I am right in saying that she has been with the company as long as anyone and is an icon at Carnival HQ. But we live in fear of her because if we lose a receipt, upgrade or do anything that is not in the company guidelines she will be very cross indeed.


Hi, I’m John, and this is my blog. So please don’t mistake my opinions — or those of my dear friends, fans or commenters — for those of Carnival Cruise Line or Carnival Corporation. My apologies in advance for anything I may say that upsets you, but this disclaimer covers Carnival and puts the blame directly on me………….. bugger.